This is so bloody hard. Am I really being selfish?

[Notalone]

I have been with my DP for almost 7 months. After being with an abusive ex our relationship is like a breath of fresh air. We get on really well, agree on almost everything and enjoy just being together. Our relationship got serious very quickly and we are head over heels in love. He had a major heart attack a few years ago and had an angina attack a few weeks ago. His GP has put him on the waiting list for more investigations and he is understandably very scared. He had counselling after his heart attack and just felt like he was returning to his old self when the angina reared its ugly head. I have been there for him the whole time.

I knew the situation when we got together and it does not change how I feel about him. I have never put my own insecurities about this onto him but in reality I am scared too. If he doesn't call me when he says he is going to (which is rare) I worry. We used to work together and his boss (my ex boss) called me a few weeks ago to tell me he had some bad news and was I on my own. I started shaking and tears were streaming down my face because I thought something had happenned to him. It turned out an old client of mine had died and he wanted me to know (I then felt guilty for feeling momentarily relieved it wasn't DP). I am scared of falling more and more in love with him and to have to deal with the fact that there is a good chance he will go before me and at a young age. I don't know if I want more DC's but he feels it would be selfish of him to have anymore children because in his words he probably won't be around to see them grow up. I am scared of bringing him into DS's life because this could affect him too if anything was to happen. All these things worry me.

I tried to broach the subject with him on Friday and he basically told me (not in a nasty way) that he will not talk about this and that him not talking about it is self preservation. He said me wanting to talk about it is selfish because is does not affect me or have the same impact that it does on him. I was crying because I hate the fact that I may have made this worse for him or made him more stressed, and also in truth for myself. I have talked to friends about this and have had a mixed reaction. One friend was bereaved at a young age and has told me to be selfish and move on. She would not wish what she went through on her worst enemy. Another friend agreed with DP and said I will probably need to be content talking to friends about this instead. However, I feel no-one really understands because they are not in this situation themselves. The only people who do really understand the whole situation are myself and DP, but he won't discuss it. I am not saying I want to talk about it all the time but I feel upset, frustrated, angry and scared all at once because no-one seems to see it from my point of view. Of course his needs come first. Stress really badly impacts on his condition. But what about me? Is it really selfish to want to articulate my worries very occasionally or should I really never be able to talk about it?

And shouldn't have been because that's the wrong one :( sighhh
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/1338808-Six-weeks-of-not-smoking
that's the right one now!

Thanks Pombear. Am in awe of you. From 100 a day to nothing is such a massive achievement. And I am in awe of what you have been through. Absolutely terrifying. Thank you for sharing your story - it wasn't easy reading for me but hopefully will prevent anyone reading it from going back to smoking. I gave up smoking almost 4 years ago now and would never do back again. Reading your story, meeting a lady with chronic COPD in her 30's and speaking to DP have re-inforced that for me. i wish you all the best.

Notalone, love, I congratulate you for getting out of an abusive relationship, I really do. I am going to be straight talking with you love. I hope you don't take offence.

I don't like the selfish comment either.

He has told you in a round-about way that his heart attack/angina is none of your business. You've known him 6m. He kind of has a point.

May I remind you that ALL abusers can sustain the appearance of being wonderful WAY past 6m. You are calling him your DP. He's not. he's a BOYFRIEND.

From here you appear to be WAY too involved in his health. I understand your concerns, but tbh, he's got a very dim view of his life at the moment, and perhaps with good reason, you don't know and are not likely to know either. BF's not going to discuss it.

You are doing that thing of Hanging on in the sidelines, that being supportive and Being There For Him. You are getting caring mixed up with love tbh, be on your guard. You are giving him a title and position/stature in your life when he has done nothing to earn it. Riding in on a White Horse to save you from an abusive relationship is actually a red flag all by itself, so if that's the case, we'll need to start a tally...

Don't take the opinions of others into account when judging a person! ALL of my X's friends/acquaintances will tell you how wonderful he is, I would have told you how wonderful and supportive he was in the first 6-12 months.

You are focussing ALL your attention on this man, you are discussing/considering children with him when you don't even know what he's like with your own (good move for not introducing him yet though!)

If he is saying he doesn't want more kids, and you think you might, then why are you even contemplating sticking with this? Why do you not deserve the chance for a new full life? He needs to know that if he is going to curtail his own life (and yours by default) that perhaps he needs to understand that you have other options, that he is not going to reduce your future. And certainly if he's not even going to involve you in his life.

My feeling is that this is all too fast, WAT too fast. You don't know this man, you need to really back right off and see if this man really IS the bees knees you think he is. I can guarantee he's not. No-one is.

This SELFISH comment should be your Red Flag. 6m is usually where they start appearing, but very very subtly.

Be wary, open your eyes and really look at this, what is in this relationship for you. If you are young enough to have more children, why stick with someone who denies you that, for his OWN selfish reasons?

WAT WAY

Look I understand your fears but you simply cannot force him to talk about his potential early death! I most certainly wouldn't want to either - way. You are being inadvertently selfish - not because you want to talk about and make a decision about how to move forward - but by pushing this in his face when he's not ready for it.

And I agree, you have pretty much written him off when he might live for another quarter of a century.

No way, not way. Durr.

Your DP is in exactly the same situation as myself. I am seeing the Consultant next week (I have had a triple by-pass and now have angina).

He is the wrong person for you to talk to about your fears and worries. He has enough on his plate coping with his own feelings.

I was 999'd into hospital last week and when I got out I had my son (Aspergers) ranting and raving at me, my best friend crying on my shoulder that she thought she might not see me again, and my very elderly mother decamping to my sister's through stress. I will be honest and say that I didn't need ANY of that on my plate at all. I just needed peace and quiet.

Talk to your friends, your parents, the Samaritans - but not to him. He can't cope with it at the moment. Time will come AFTER he has had the Consultant's appointment and he knows exactly what is going on. Then you can discuss the future with him.

Really sorry to hear about your situation.
I think it depends on how you and he view the relationship in the long term. Is this something that you have discussed? Are you living together, etc?

If it hasn't got to the long term stage yet, you probably have to respect his wishes or perhaps take things v slowly.
If you have decided that this is a long term relationship and you want to be together forever, etc, it is definitely somethings that will have a serious effect on you. In this case I think you can explain how you feel in a gentle caring way and explain that you are worried about him and that you want to support him not upset him. He sounds v negative about his illness and rather fatalistic. Do you think that there is a possibility that he could be depressed or is he just s**t scared and burying his head in the sand?
There are things that he can do to reduce his risk of further events. He has taken some steps (given up smoking) but he could do more. A good Cardiologist will be able to perform an angiogram to diagnoses if/ where there is a blockage of his coronary arteries. This may be fairly straightforward to sort out and could well get rid of his symptoms altogether.

Unexpected - the situation is remarkably similar as there is a definite hereditary link here too. Every member of his close family without exception hve had or have heart problems. He has already had counselling but I agree that in the future he probably could benefit from some more, if not at the moment. Hopefully he will consider going down that route again in the future.

Hissy. I don't take offence and appreciate your honesty. However he isn't an abuser. He has been there for me more than almost anyone else ever has in my life. Practically, emotionally, physically, everything. He has dropped everything for me on numerous occasions and I trust him implicitely. I am unsure if I want more children with him or with anyone else, but being a woman with a ticking biological clock, this is something I do need to consider. He has said he would love to have children with me in the future and wishes he had met me years ago, but feels he couldn't because of how unfair it would be to them. As yet though I still don't know how I feel about this issue but am lucky that being in my early thirites I still have the luxury of some time left. I haven't met his children yet but the way he talks about them and the fact that he takes his responsibilities to them very seriously illustrate to me that when he does eventually meet DS he will be a positive influence in his life. But I appreciate your comments, I really do because having been in an abusive relationship there is no way I would want to be in one again and if someone can spot the red flags before me then I definitely want to know.

Proud - I haven't written him off but perhaps his fears have rubbed off on me, or perhaps I am just a natural born worrier.

Oldgrey - thanks for your post. I hope everything goes ok for you and seeing the words from your perspective have helped me to see how DP feels. I would not want to make him feel worse and I have always pushed my own worries about this aside for his sake, but at the same time we will need to talk about this at some point. Just not yet. I hope you are ok and wish you all the best. Out of interest have you told your family and friends how you feel like DP has with me?

Thanks Maple. We are serious but not living together yet. He is waiting for an angiogram so hopefully this will reveal what we need to know. He has said he is scared and his way of coping is suppressing it. I feel this may come back to bite him one day in a big way but this is how he deals with the day to day. I will support him of course but I guess this will be on his terms as and when he wants to discuss it and not when I do.

I'm heartened to hear that notalone, but remember that you do only know him 6m and my X was an angel for way longer that that. You can't judge this man by what he says. Tread carefully.

When he has got this medical crisis out of the way, you should be in a better place to make decisions/judgements, but right now, there is too much going on. Cool your ardour a bit.

If all is OK and he really is nice and you are just asking him something he can't handle right now, then the best you can do now is to back off a bit, and let HIM come to you in HIS own time. Tell him you care, that you want to help him, and that if and when he wants to talk, that you are ready to listen. Then leave it.

Let him take the lead on it.

BUT - don't put your entire life on hold, you are in a relationship, which is growing, but it is still new, still unknown, you don't need to be committing too heavily until you are 100% sure he is trustworthy.

IF he is the man you say he is, he will understand. If he doesn't, he is one of THEM.

Blokes aside, what work have you done on yourself post abuser? Have you read Why Does He Do That? it really helps you reclaim your life, and helps you see why things happened the way they did. Helps arm you against falling into old familiar routines too!

The Freedom Programme is good too!

Thanks Hissy. I have given your post a lot of thought over the past couple of days and have decided to take your advice. I am going to back off regarding all the heavy stuff and will let him come to me in his own time, if he wants to. I do love him but I am more aware now that this is still very new for both of us and I do need to make sure he is trustworthy and what he seems. I am not going to look too far into the future anymore. It is tearing me up into knots and I can't change anything for now. One thing for sure is I am not going to end up with someone who is like my ex dp so treading cautiously is going to be a mantra for me. I think I have been really wrapped up in this new love affair after being with my ex for almost 2 decades, because it has been exciting, heady and a bit of an adventure. At the end of the day though I just want happiness and security for myself and my DS.

In relation to your question about what work I have done on myself. I completed my degree this year with a high first and am now in my first post grad role which I am loving. It is my graduate ceremony next week and I have been asked to deliver the student speech which is really exciting. Closer to home I am really relishing my independence and have realised I am capable and can manage perfectly well on my own. I am still not keen on spiders but I have even handled those myself lol. I am loving my own time in my own house with my own company and I feel in a much better place than I have been in for years. I have no intention of living with any man again for a long long time and am happy with that!

How long were you with your ex before he showed his true colours?

Met him in Aug 2800, started seeing each other more seriously in June 2001, he moved in that christmas. The following christmas he went snooping through my things and found a box of letters from 10 years previously.

That's when the inquisition/torture began. Up until that point, I was walking on air. So 18m. It's pretty textbook.

By then I was hooked, convinced he could walk on water, and was desperate to hang onto him.

Now Christmas 2011, I am free. The legacy of the last 10 years will take forever to recover from. I gave my 33rd to my 42nd birthday to that man. The most important years of my life.

That decision is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life, but thankfully my DS will not have to endure anymore. His only chance of as sibling is a step sibling now, the chances of me finding both the courage to saddle up again, let alone the man are tbh, slim.

That said, I am happy to live the rest of my life in complete solitude, than to share oxygen with a man like my x was.

I am sorry to hear about your ex h Hissy. I am glad you escaped but 10 years is such a long time. I was with my ex dp for a long time too. some good some bad times but the bad times are what I remember most sadly. Thank you so much for your inout on this thread and I wish you all the best for the future