about friends' families at my wedding?

[ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged]

More of a WWYD or 'Would I be being unreasonable?' in the hope that I don't inadvertently inspire a bridezilla thread when I send out my invites!

I'm currently planning my wedding, which will be in my parents' village (about a two and a half hour drive from where we live and from where some of our guests will be travelling from). The service itself will be at the local church and then there will be a meal and a 'disco' at a nearby hall. Like most people, we're struggling with a tight budget versus a long list of people we would like to invite. I've never been a fan of 'tiered' weddings - where some people are invited to all of it, some to the evening reception etc - and always said that anyone I invited would be invited to the whole thing. However, some of our friends (mainly colleagues) have young families. In an ideal world we'd invite the whole family, but there simply won't be room at the meal for them (and, to be honest, we won't be able to afford the extra meals)

Would we be being unreasonable to say on the invite "[Insert name of husband] and [insert name of children] will be very welcome at the church and at the disco afterwards, but unfortunately there is unlikely to be space for them at the wedding breakfast (we'll let you know if this changes). [Insert name of village] is beautiful and we can recommend places to visit for those few hours in between if they would like to accompany you to the wedding" (or a more polite version if you can think of better!)

By the way, I will completely understand if these invitees decide not to attend because of the distance (or for any other reason!) but I want to give them the option of bringing their families to as much of it as possible. It's being held in a beautiful part of the country so it could offer a nice chance for a family break if they want to come.

As a guest it sounds impractical to me.
I would have no problem as a colleague, just being invited to the evening (and going to the ceremony independently to see the bride have a nose at the guests )
In fact, as colleagues, we usually attend wedding evenings without partners unless they socialise with the Other Halfs.

Very reasonable IMO. Have agreat day. xx

Not really sure.

I think not inviting a person's spouse to the meal would be rather rude. Children, less so - plenty have child free weddings/parts of weddings.

On the other hand, I can see your problem and if you were going to have some sort of scheme like this, I think you would need to talk to people face to face, rather than them receiving this in the post and feeling offended.

Are you certain that all the people you are inviting are real friends? Because I think I would prefer to trim the guest list so that the people coming could bring their entire families.

YANBU as long as you are don't mind too much if these people then don't come at all.

Is there a way that you could make it clear that they are also welcome to say that they will all do the reduced part of the wedding, rather than splitting up for the afternoon?

Too ambiguous. You need to tell people straight or you'll get all sorts of misunderstandings.

Also, inviting to the beginning and end but not the middle is not practical. Either the whole thing or the evening do only but be prepared for those with young families and no childcare to decline the invite to evening do only.

I went to a wedding like this (was a colleague of my DH). After the service they gave us a packed lunch in a bag and a list of local places to visit. We then went to the evening do. I quite enjoyed it. Some other colleagues declined the invite though.

Whoopee, would you really invite a family of four when you don't know three of them over four colleagues?

Where we work we just get invited to the evening do - with partner, no children. It works well.

It is quite normal to only have family and maybe closest friends to the sit down meal, and then have a larger reception with buffet in the evening.

What we did was have a buffet in the day too though rather than a more expensive sit down meal, and everyone was invited to the whole thing. Much more informal, and everyone enjoyed it.

I would just invite them to the evening do or just invite the adults if it was local; the problem is that it is so far away. It seems rude to ask anyone to travel all that was just for a dance! Or to ask them to leave children at home for what would need to be an overnight visit. Not inviting them at all would feel like a snub especially as I intend to babble away about the plans in the staff room

I like the packed lunch idea

Maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't want to attend a reception where DH wasn't invited, and I have declined a wedding invite that did just that. But it is your day, so you should do exactly what you want! Just be aware that some may decline, and if you're ok with that, then you should go for it!

Honestly I they would probably be grateful for a night away from the children and a bit of a party. If they are bothered then they don't have to come.

tbh, I was invited to a ceremony and then disco / after party once..but not the meal> I found it really stressful, filling time somewhere while everyone else had lunch felt really horrible! The group of us not invited to lunch felt far more left out than I have felt at weddings where I was only invited to the evening do..

You are trying to be nice, but you are over complicating things....people will be baffled and might feel embarrased/ left out - if you dont want people + families why not just invite colleagues to the evening....really, it's very normal....and splitting is just a pain for people

agree, nobody wants to hang around somewhere random, having just watched all the wedding party head off for a meal - it's grim...

I think weddings without children are like Christmas without children. Weddings are for most people the union which will result in the production of children, so it seems strange to exclude them.

If you can't afford to pay for the meals for children just have a family and close friends only wedding. Make the cut-off wherever you can afford to feed the whole family.

People aren't going to judge you for having a small wedding, nor are you going to win a prize for having a big one.

I can that you are trying to be nice and include everyone but I think that actually you're just making things awkward. Either invite people to everything or invite to evening do only. No-one wants to wander round like a spare part all afternoon however nice the village is,

oh totally disagree with onehandflapping - this isn't about having kids or not having kids - it's about not inviting familly of colleagues - you can invite whoever you want to your wedding, and I would not expect a colleague to invite my whole family ...
people can say no if it's a hassle for them, but you should feel able to invite them without kids.....

A bit about not inviting partners. Mabey you could scale it down and just invite those friends that are close to you, or you see more often.

Tbh I would just do evening invites for colleagues, inc families if you want.

IME colleagues and partners get invites to the evening (no children). If they want to see the ceremony that's up to them. If the colleague is a really close friend I would expect the whole family to be invited. I don't think I've ever heard of partners expecting to amuse themselves for a couple of hours, especially if they haven't got children to while away the boredom! Tricky one.

I think you have to scale it down. I agree about two tier weddings being a bad idea, especially when they are some distance away.
Just invite those whom you can afford to accomodate at the lunch. If that's not enough people for a successful dance then maybe rethink the whole thing?

the problem is, if you invite to ceremony some will feel they have to attend, even though it's awkward. watching a 20 minute ceremony is not worth getting hours early to a village you don't know, particularly with children - Im sure people would rather come down later and enjoy the evening - I've enjoyed lots of evening only weddings, as long as it's a good party..!

I would prefer to be invited to the evening with my husband rather than the whole thing without him. I wouldn't expect children to be invited and would not be offended.

I definitely don't think you need to invite children of work colleagues, I doubt anyone would expect that. It would be nice to invite partners if you can, but you don't have to. Also it's fine to invite colleagues to the evening party only, I've never been offended by this, and would prefer it to hanging around during the day.