about friends' families at my wedding?

[ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged]

More of a WWYD or 'Would I be being unreasonable?' in the hope that I don't inadvertently inspire a bridezilla thread when I send out my invites!

I'm currently planning my wedding, which will be in my parents' village (about a two and a half hour drive from where we live and from where some of our guests will be travelling from). The service itself will be at the local church and then there will be a meal and a 'disco' at a nearby hall. Like most people, we're struggling with a tight budget versus a long list of people we would like to invite. I've never been a fan of 'tiered' weddings - where some people are invited to all of it, some to the evening reception etc - and always said that anyone I invited would be invited to the whole thing. However, some of our friends (mainly colleagues) have young families. In an ideal world we'd invite the whole family, but there simply won't be room at the meal for them (and, to be honest, we won't be able to afford the extra meals)

Would we be being unreasonable to say on the invite "[Insert name of husband] and [insert name of children] will be very welcome at the church and at the disco afterwards, but unfortunately there is unlikely to be space for them at the wedding breakfast (we'll let you know if this changes). [Insert name of village] is beautiful and we can recommend places to visit for those few hours in between if they would like to accompany you to the wedding" (or a more polite version if you can think of better!)

By the way, I will completely understand if these invitees decide not to attend because of the distance (or for any other reason!) but I want to give them the option of bringing their families to as much of it as possible. It's being held in a beautiful part of the country so it could offer a nice chance for a family break if they want to come.

That all sounds like hassle, I'd just invite the colleagues, plus partners to the evening - no children. I prefer child free weddings, I don't really agree that weddings are best with kids since there are long periods of hanging around, formal meal, drunk people...

I think it would be a bit odd and awkward though to invite the colleagues to the wedding breakfast but expect their partners (and children if applicable) to disappear for that time.

Personally I'd invite colleagues and their partners just to the evening bit (obviously they can pop in for the church bit if they happen to live locally, I don't think you strictly need invitations for a church service anyway!) and leave the children out of it.

I think it is assumed that everyone is welcome to the church, it being a public place and all. Then, you can just send out evening invitations and leave it up to the individuals as to whether they bring their children or leave them with babysitters.

If you want to direct them to a local attraction while you are eating and having speeches, talk to them about it individually. You don't need to have it on the invitation.

Invite only those collegues you are close to and include their partners. I am in the camp that i would prefer to go a wedding with my dh. When I did go to a wedding on my own, it was because my dh could not make it, not because he was not invited. It is dodgy not inviting partners you could end up offending. Better just invite friends and collegues who are close to you, and their partners, than those who are not

Thats what I did, and they went to the ceremony and the dinner, no evening do for us either.

and it flowed nicely, no 3 hour wait inbetween. All of our guests went to the ceremony, meal than disco

We had 120 people including about 20 kids and 7 under 1s at ours. Ceremony at 3.30, buffet at 5ish for everyone, dancing and some filled rolls at about 8pm. Perfect as we had it all in the same function suite - and catered for those travelling and our hatred of the 2 tier invite ...

I'd not be offended if I were invited to an evening reception of a colleague without a partner. A bunch would go from work - no problem. And same if he were invited and I weren't.

I personally would not feel comfortable knowing that people who came to the ceremony are whiling away the hours somewhere, while we are eating, speeches etc. If you do an evening buffet, do it well, not a few crap sandwiches and dry pieces of pizza. Some people might be coming from afar and staying in a hotel to attend your evening do. Don't make it a first and second class affair.

I think it sounds ok, but equally I really don't think your colleagues would be offended if their families weren't invited at all, or if just their partners were included. You really don't need to include everyone, especially with regards to work mates.

See, this is the problem! No-one knows! Some people think 'no partners' others think 'no children'. Some think 'evening do'. Some think my plan's okay. If it was local I'd definitely go for the 'whole family to evening do' approach, but it's not. I think they'd be offended if I didn't invite them but I can't invite their whole families to the main reception.

Damn. There isn't an answer is there? Other than, well, talk to the people I work with (who I consider my friends) and see what they'd prefer! Awkward conversations here we come...

(oh, and no, it's not going to be a child-free wedding. Our child will be there, as will children we actually know and partners who we socialise with, the concern is over the families we don't know)

the thing is, if their families can't come to the meal - you need to provide a solution that is NOT them spending hours waiting around, because that's crap, nobody wants to do that - and it will make them feel horrible/ annoyed...people just want a simple invite, with you telling them what they are invited to - that doesn't involve waiting around. Just invite them to the meal and say their partners/ kids are welcome to join in with the evening - and say that if that means they can't make the meal, you will understand.

I'm confused. You're still inviting some people to all of it and some to just part of it.

How is it not still a two-tiered wedding?

Given that it still is a two-tiered wedding, just do it the more straight-forward way (i.e. evening do invites) rather than what you're currently proposing.

I love weddings, but I would decline an invite like that.

I would rather my children weren't invited to any of it and my husband was invited to all of it.

There is no way I would expect DH to travel all that way with me, expect him and my children to sit through a ceremony for someone they barealy know and then have to entertain themselves for a few hours in a place they don't know while I went for a meal without them.

Couldn't you just have cheaper food? Do a buffet and invite everyone to all of it?

I can see your problem. However, I wouldn't go to an evening only do if it involved a two and a half hour drive.

I'm an all-or-nothing person myself. Our wedding was in our home town (two hours away) and we invited only our closest colleagues and their partners. We invited the children of one colleague because they were very young.

I would imagine the only people we offended were those not invited at all. I wouldn't have a clue who that might be though.

No, sorry, don't like that. Just invite them to the evening with their partners, with or without children according to how you feel. No way would I want to hang around a village while the chosen few get to eat!

OK why don't you not invite them, but then have them to a buffet and party at your house after the wedding/honeymoon, say a couple of weeks afterwards? That way you could invite partners, no need to travel, everyone could just get babysitters and you actually get time to talk to everyone, partners too.

Everyone will be happier as there's no expense in travelling and babysitting and lunches out whilst everyone else is at the wedding. It's not stressful for the partners of the colleagues, because they will actually have the chance to make new friends at your house, when there are just adults present.

And yes, you can wear your dress! Put fairy lights all over the house, nice buffet, some sparkling wine and you're sorted!

I wouldnt go if I was invited to a wedding with an arrangement like that.

TBH it sounds utterly ridiculous.

What slavetofilofax said.

If it was my colleague's wedding I'd be perfectly happy going with just my fellow colleagues, no partners, no kids.

I wouldn't want to take my dc to sit through a wedding ceremony and speeches etc of someone they've never met, ditto dh.

It's not about the children ruby; as I've said, I'm happy for children i know to be there; it's the husbands and children I don't know that I'm wondering what to do about.

I think I'm just going to invite my colleagues and make no mention of their families. They may decide they all want to come together and have a child-free night out / weekend away. If they ask about partners or children then I can discuss it with them and try to come up with something that works for everyone.

And imperial, I'll do your plan too. Any excuse to wear the dress a few more times!

I've been to an evening do with a disco. It didn't fololow a wedding but the children there just got on everyone's nerves. Adults would get up to dance properly (whatever the music was - ballroom or rock 'n' roll) and the children just got in the way and spoilt it all.

If I were you, I'd invite adults only unless the children were relatives.

Do not talk it through with your work colleagues and ask what they prefer, they don't get to dictate what you do !!! At the end of the day they are just colleagues, not family.

I think your idea is fine, but please please make your invite clearer and take out the bit that says 'will let you know nearer the time'. That's just weird and will mean people don't RSVP IMO.

The thing is, OP, that your wedding is really inconvenient for your colleagues. Yes, they'd probably like to be there, but I doubt whether their families will want to be there.

My idea of the party afterwards would resolve all your problems. Do you think your colleagues would be upset not to be invited, given the distance?