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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP is being an arse by saying 'we are short staffed at work'

37 replies

Shinyshoes1 · 12/11/2011 23:39

Long story short.

Our 2 DS's were sexually abused by a family member, AFAIK, DS1 was moreso than DS2. This is irrelevant though

This has taken 2 years to get to court. We are SOOOOO near the end after a 5 week trial we are looking at a verdict Monday or Tuesday.

The jury went out last Tuesday. DP has been there majority of the days since last Tuesday. We knew it would probably be Monday or Tuesday but didnt want to miss the verdict if it came in earlier. DP has just told me he is off Monday but not Tuesday as they are 'short staffed'

AIBU to call him a cunt and tell him these are exceptional circumstances, he has a letter from the lead detective outlining it might take 6 weeks (this is for DP work puropses if he gets called out at a moments notice). His work should come second , his family should come first

Fuck 'short staffed' I'm sure a borough council can fucking manage without DP.

I am fucking livid. He has gone to bed thinking there is nothing wrong in what he has said and I am speechless

OP posts:
StrandedBear · 12/11/2011 23:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tortington · 12/11/2011 23:45

i think your dp could have planned this better and organised leave or spoken in confidence to his manager - but perhaps he was embarrased/ashamed of the circumstanes and everyone deals with these situations differetly, perhaps he did;t want people at work knowing about this?

again another factor, i dont know what its like at work for him but for lots of people in the public sector this isn;t a time to take your job lightly, and he might have a shitty manager - or a young whipper snapper on his heels

thisisyesterday · 12/11/2011 23:48

ok i do get where you're coming from and I totally agree that family should come first.

can i ask you though, what would happen if he lost his job? say he puts family first and coems with you... and loses his job

that will affect your family too,

I can't even begin to understand what you are going through right now, but I can see that you desperately want him there and yes, I think if it were me I would expect him to move heaven and earth to be there.
But if he has basically been told that he HAS to come in then perhaps he is just trying to look long-term (ie, keeping his job and looking after his family- putting them first you might say)

AgentZigzag · 12/11/2011 23:50

You must both be at breaking point, is he trying to just survive it and not doing a very good job?

I'm not taking anything from what you're going through saying that though, just trying to work out if he's making excuses because he wants to hide from it all?

How are you managing to cope?

Original poster
Shinyshoes1 · 12/11/2011 23:52

I understand jobs in the public sector are difficult to hold on to, but seriously any HR or Union manager would so understand the circumstances.

I believe he is putting his work above DS and that isnt right.

I have been to work TWICE in 5 weeks and have rung work this faternoon telling them it isnt over yet and I'm going to need next Monday and Tuesday off. They didnt even question it, they know i'm involved in a court case , but don't know the details.

He never goes sick, never skives, does some overtime when asked, is perhaps one of the best in his team.

I just don't get his thinking and the fact he screwed at me for questioning or going livid at the fact he said 'short staffed'

OP posts:
Original poster
Shinyshoes1 · 12/11/2011 23:54

ok it's a verdict, not sentencing or giving evidence, but surely the 'closure' or end of it IS the verdict. Guilty or not guilty, it's important right??

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AgentZigzag · 12/11/2011 23:55

I don't know how the court works in this respect, but is it possible for him to go in to work and leave if the jury come back with a decision?

That wouldn't give you any support while you're waiting, but it would be better than you bearing it on your own.

Original poster
Shinyshoes1 · 12/11/2011 23:56

We are coping, well I am, I get he is a 'man' and finds it difficult.

Losing his job would put us in shit creek without a paddle, there is NO WAY we couldnt live without his wage BUT, like I said it's exceptional circumstances so coming from someone that has previously a good sick record it's a given right??

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Original poster
Shinyshoes1 · 12/11/2011 23:58

AGENTZIGZAG its a case of waiting and the jury come back and give a verdict, it's more than likley he would miss it as it takes around 1/2 hour to get to the court and they most certainly will not wait until we all got there

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Original poster
Shinyshoes1 · 12/11/2011 23:59

thanks for the hug Smile

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thisisyesterday · 13/11/2011 00:00

well you'd think so wouldn't you, but maybe he doesn't want to risk it.

or maybe he is scared and simply doesn't want to hear the verdict in case it's not want you want...

i think you should talk to him tomorrow. stay calm. explain how much you need him there, and DS's need him there... see what he says

youtalkintome · 13/11/2011 00:02

Perhaps he doesn't want to be there in case you don't get the verdict you are hoping for. It may just be his way of coping. Have seen your other threads this must be a very stressful time for everyone, try not to fall out with each other.

ShellyBoobs · 13/11/2011 00:02

Shineyshoes Maybe your DP doesn't have such an understanding employer?

You say that any HR or Union manager would understand. Well I would hope they would too, but there are no guarantees, as harsh as that may be.

What a terrible thing you're going through as a family. Sad

AgentZigzag · 13/11/2011 00:05

I don't mean this as it sounds, but it's just such bad timing for you to have something going on between you when you have so much to get your head round.

Do you think he understands that you're not feeling angry about the fact he's got to go into work, it's because you need him to be there for you and your DSs?

Original poster
Shinyshoes1 · 13/11/2011 00:10

ZIGZAG I'm sure he gats that I said that I feel his family should come first and his work second his answer to anything confrontational is 'OH fuck off'
Then goes to be. I sat nhere speechless, yes I've had a drink but seriously he says 'You always start when you've had a drink' I'm not starting I want him to see the importance of his priorities.

I will only get the 'fuck off' answer tomorrow if I bring it up again

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Original poster
Shinyshoes1 · 13/11/2011 00:11

IN ENGLISH Grin

ZIGZAG I'm sure he gets that I said that I feel his family should come first and his work second.... but his answer to anything confrontational is 'OH fuck off'
Then goes to bed. I sat here speechless, yes I've had a drink, but seriously he says 'You always start when you've had a drink' I'm not starting, I want him to see the importance of his priorities.

I will only get the 'fuck off' answer tomorrow if I bring it up again

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AgentZigzag · 13/11/2011 00:24

Is there a way you can word what you say tomorrow that won't get a 'fuck off' answer?

Maybe not saying about the work bit but just focussing on how you're feeling at the min?

Even if he's in turmoil himself, there's nothing worse than being given the brush off and not being listened to.

Even if he can't do anything about going into work, he can at least give you the chance to talk without any wine involved Grin

'Oh fuck off' is so dismissive though isn't it? I'm not very good at being dismissed Grin

WilsonFrickett · 13/11/2011 00:30

Oh sweetheart. I am so sorry for what your family has gone through. And I think your DH is just scared, or in denial, or a mix of both. He's organised a set amount of time off, he can't face the fact of booking more time because that means he has to face up to the fact there will be a verdict and theres a risk it won't go the way it should.

Love to you all. Try and have a calm talk tomorrow. He knows his family comes first.

Original poster
Shinyshoes1 · 13/11/2011 00:33

Thanks Smile

I will try and talk to him tomorrow

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GypsyMoth · 13/11/2011 00:35

So He was there last week? Cos your other thread about this, slating the in laws for not helping with childcare, you stated he could not and would not, take any time off?!

FabbyChic · 13/11/2011 00:38

I hope you have filed a claim with the Criminal Injuries board, my friend had similar circumstances with her children, when the case was over the guy got six months suspended and there was pentration. She took her kids to Disney with the criminal injuries money a year later.

Original poster
Shinyshoes1 · 13/11/2011 00:49

he was there Thursday and Friday, he booked this time off after all (Jury retired last Tuesday), . we kinda knew a verdict wouldnt be reached before then but then it could have been . Who knows with jurys? We (some of the fam) wanted to be there last week 'just in case' the jury came back ealry, we wanted to be there for the verdict, we are back up there on Monday morning, Judge is most likely to advise the jury he will accept a majority verdict, so we are looking at late Monday or early Tuesday.

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Original poster
Shinyshoes1 · 13/11/2011 00:49

Fabby I dont want money, I want him to rot and have a miserable life in prison

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AgentZigzag · 13/11/2011 00:50

Probably just me being prickly Fabby, but tagging the 'She took her kids to Disney with the criminal injuries money a year later.' just makes it sound like a trip to disneyworld or whatever would make it all alright.

auntiepicklebottom2 · 13/11/2011 01:00

It not easy to take time off, sometimes you can get emergency annual leave, but I suspect he will have to take unpaid leave.

Perhaps he is worrying about paying the bills

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