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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have been confused by 22 turning up to DD's party...

60 replies

soandsosmummy · 12/11/2011 21:14

when I only had 16 acceptances and one of those contacted me earlier in the day to say their dd was ill and couldn't come. That means 7 people who never responded turned up. Obviously they were welcome but just unexpected!

Luckily I'd made 25 party bags and catered for plenty as I always like to have extras for siblings if they turn up at pick up time for example so we had enough but AIBU to have wanted to know in advance?

OP posts:

MrsJasonBourne · 12/11/2011 23:07

I don't have a lot of experience in school party etiquette yet but am not looking forward to it. How bloody rude of people not to reply! And how bloody hurtful when it's a child's party! How would they like to see their child sobbing on their birthday all alone and friendless?

Sorry, just can't get that image out of my mind now. Will be so vigilante with invites now.

PattySimcox · 12/11/2011 23:12

Oh this gets my goat.

So many parties held where could have invited more as only half RSVP / bother to turn up. Had to pay for extra places / rustle up extra food and party bags for those who hadn't replied.

Rude bastards

lisad123 · 12/11/2011 23:15

We don't celebrate birthdays but when dd started school she got loads of invites. I always made sure I let parents know she wouldn't be attending, either via text or if no number a little card via dd.

I had a party a few weeks ago, and sent 25 invites and had 4 turn up!! some people are just rude

leftmydignityatthedoor · 12/11/2011 23:28

I don't get this. I get an invite for ds, I check the calendar, I reply. Its not hard.

Ds is missing a party tomorrow as he's recovering from chickenpox - I will text the mum though. Last year a boy in ds' nursery class was having a party when we were snowed in - we spent 2 hours digging ourselves out to go because I was worried no-one would turn up due to the snow! To be fair a lot of other families did / thought the same.

I'm sending ds' party invites out next week - I bet loads don't reply..

IwanttobeShirleyValentine · 12/11/2011 23:30

This really annoys me! Over the years I have come to realise that there will be a set amount of people who just dont get the RSVP thing.

The last few parties I did I put RSVP by a certain date. This did encourage more RSVPs but not 100% so then I rudely put RSVP by XX date please. If I have not heard from you by XX date I will assume you are unable to join us. I still had one turn up on the day who was actually turned away as it was at a playbarn place, and I had not booked a place for them. A bit mean on the child but not intentionally so.

I have also over the years been quite blunt! If people turn up without having responded to the RSVP I will say something like "oh how lovelyto see you, we assumed you were unable to come as we hadnt heard from you, but please do come in and take the hint to rsvp in future.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 12/11/2011 23:34

Some people are incredibly rude, and some of the stories on this thread are very sad. I remember going to my friend's dd1's party, and only 3 girls turned up, when she'd invited all the girls in her class. My dses were there, as was the ds of a mutual friend, but I don't think that made up for the non-appearance of her classmates.

On previous threads like this, I have suggested party invitations that give the date and time, and say that the location will be given out by phone nearer the time to people who have RSVP'd - so people would have to RSVP if they were going to come - you couldn't just get 7 people turn up out of the blue as the OP did.

If mine weren't well past the organised party stage, I'd be doing this - but they are, praise the lord.

Horopu · 12/11/2011 23:35

A girl in my class(Y4) sent hand written invitations to 5 children to come to her birthday party at her house at 8.30am on a Sunday without asking or telling her parents. Luckily one of the parents spoke to her Mum about it - that is why is it very important to RSVP!

workshy · 12/11/2011 23:42

I found an invite in my DDs bag the day after the party and I was mortified!
I rang the mum to apologise about not attending and bought her DD a gift anyway

what I didn't get though was that I had been standing next to her in the playground 3 days before and she hadn't said a word!

I always get my DDs to start pestering their friends about 10 days before the party to confirm but what I've found in the past is that it's mainly the kids that have weekend access visits with their NRP that don't tend to respond

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 12/11/2011 23:47

Groovee So how many did turn up?

BridgetJonesPants · 12/11/2011 23:49

Maybe sometimes the invites don't reach the parents.

DD was invited to a party last year however she left the invite in her school tray. She never said anything to me about the party and neither did any of the other mothers. Result was, the party was long since over when the invitation finally arrived home.

Next time I seen the birthday boys mother, I apologised for not replying but I was still mortified that she might have been thinking how ignorant I was for not replying, until I explained what had happened obviously.

It's just really bad manners to not respond to a party invite.

foreverondiet · 13/11/2011 00:09

Annoying but people are rude. We have tried both ways (regrets only) but then people don't bother regretting and still don't show.

This year invited all 16 girls from class plus 1 extra from out of school. 4 regrets, so was expecting 13 but only 11 came so 2 didn't bother to respond they couldn't come.

Over time though I have have mobile numbers of all the mums of the girls from her class so if I really needed to know could text to ask.

CardyMow · 13/11/2011 03:05

Impossible to have the mobile numbers for the parents of all 90 dc in DS2's Year group though, and as they've shuffled the classes this year, he has invited some dc in the other 2 classes, but also some dc that h has never been in a class with before this September. I handed out 22 invites on Friday - ALL with MY mobile number on, so people can send a quick text to let me know. I have already got one verbal NO, as my friend's dc is in a dance show that day - I am ready to place bets on how many will respond, against how many turn up - I always allow for a party bag for dc that haven't responded, just in case, but it is SO rude.

I ALWAYS reply to any party invites.

minicorrect · 13/11/2011 04:40

I will never forget how heartbroken I was when only 4 people turned up to my 12th birthday party despite inviting around 30. All because my mum had said no boys. It's beyond rude to not respond - not just for the organisers but for the child too. Althougp it sounds as though the OP's experience was more positive than others on here, YANBU.

MmeBucket · 13/11/2011 05:30

This is one of my biggest pet peeves. 2 years ago I invited 15 people to DC's birthday, figuring because it was in summer, maybe half would come. I got 2 yes and 3 no, and didn't hear anything from anyone else. So I invited another 6, and heard nothing. The day of the party I was very upset nobody was coming, my poor kids wouldn't have anyone at their party, and ended up with 19 kids there, with 2 who said no coming, and one of the yes not showing up. It cost me $10 a kid over 11 of them, so I was out a fair amount of money I wasn't planning on, but was happier with that than nobody.

DS went to 2 parties this summer, both invited around 30 kids. The first party had only 2 RSVP's, and only had 4 kids show up. At that party my son got invited to the second party, because they had only 2 or 3 RSVP's, and the family was worried there wouldn't be anyone there, and there were so few kids that showed up they let DD stay because they had to pay for a minimum of kids anyway. Both parents were very upset that nobody bothered to let them know.

kakapo · 13/11/2011 06:26

I will never understand what's so hard about RSVP'ing. Apparently something though, as about half of the people invited to my wedding didn't respond!!

elfiro · 13/11/2011 06:34

YANBU.

This really annoye me, but I've had to try to relax about it as we live overseas and many other nationalities don't RSVP and equally are quite happy for you just turn up with the entire family in tow for their parties. They must think we Brits are vey uptight. Still, I always reply - it takes all of 30 seconds to send a quick text or email.

I've had children who did not RSVP turning up 30 minutes early, without swim gear required as it was a swimming party (it was on the invite!). The last party I did we had one boy turn up with his brother but no present, and one who didn't come but then asked me for a party bag at school the next day!

philmassive · 13/11/2011 06:43

Last year I had ds2's party at home. Four children who were supposed to come just didn't turn up, and 4 did. Of the four who had accepted, then not appeared the excuses ranged from 'his dad was meant to bring him but didn't', 'he was ill', 'I forgot' and 'we couldn't get there as it was raining' (this from someone who had to walk as no vehicle). None of them contacted me until the party was underway, or after it had finished.
My Ds was really upset that so few had come along, luckily my friend left all her children, not just the younger ones, so there was enough for games and to eat the stacks of food!
This year it's at a soft play place. 16 invited and 15 responses which I am stunned about. I bet I don't get people letting us down this year - I think some parents see it as a bit if free child care when it's at an 'organised' place but as long as they do what they said they'll do and actually turn up I don't really care.
Some of the stories on here are so sad. Really makes me cross at people's unkindness and thoughtlessness.

Flubba · 13/11/2011 06:52

lisa why don't you celebrate birthdays?

TheHumancatapult · 13/11/2011 07:10

This is where I am glad ds3 is not fussed about having a party. He has had couple invites which I declined as they ate over hour away and I don't drive so 3 hours by public transport

Dd wants a party next year and I just do not know what to do she be 9 and her birthday is March so akward time of the year

HowToLookGoodGlaikit · 13/11/2011 07:43

In my experience, at least a quarter wont RVSP but still turn up!

TeaOneSugar · 13/11/2011 08:06

I'm sending out dds invitations on Monday, just over. a month beforehand, as her party is on the last day of term, and therefore really close to Christmas. We've had problems with people's inability to RSVP in the past, so now I send out the invites really early and put my mobile number on so people can text, phone, send the RSVP slip with their child or catch me in the playground, but some will still struggle.

Luckily dd is 8 this year so we've gone past the stage of inviting the whole class and her list now takes into account the sad fact that a couple of parents never take their dc to parties so it's kinder on the child not to invite them in the first place

nikon1968 · 13/11/2011 08:15

At my ds last party in Oct which was his 1oth I wrote on the invitation if you do not reply I will assume you are not coming.

Quite simple you would think 2 did'nt reply but still came.

Some people are just rude, forgetful or unorganised, still makes my teeth itch though because I think it's just bad manners.

youarekidding · 13/11/2011 08:20

YANBU at not replying but turning up but at your lovely idea of giving siblings a party bag.

DS had a home party this year, I knew 3 couldn't come (Aug so away) and 1 who said whe wasn't sure. They all turned up including the unsure.

I always ring the parents before sending DS to a party. Usually to check they're happy for him to be left (he has allergies and epi-pens) but mostly because if it was my friend I would reply and our children rely on us to do this for them at this age.

differentnameforthis · 13/11/2011 08:50

A lot don't tend to RSVP & annoying as it it, I will always cater/do party prizes/bags for all those invited. Juts to make sure I am covered.

Shangers · 13/11/2011 10:10

it's really interesting that nobody has come on here and said "I don't rsvp, here's a really good reason why"! I always assume people aren't coming if they don't reply and make a comment if they do turn up.... I had two people who rsvp'd yes to my wedding and didn't bother coming - haven't spoken with them since.

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