Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not understand the benefits of getting married?

409 replies

RitaMorgan · 12/11/2011 18:15

Putting aside the romantic and religious reasons or the big party/lots of presents (lovely as that would be).

What exactly are the benefits of legally being married over just cohabiting, for a woman with children?

DP very definitely doesn't want to get married, I would quite like a big party/lots of presents but am not sure if there is any point to it beyond that.

AIBU? Should I be insisting on a trip to the Register Office?

OP posts:
iceandsliceplease · 12/11/2011 22:23

I think the thing that winds up unmarried couples more than anything else is the comments from married people that we are not as committed to each other, that our children are less likely to do well, and more likely to split up. That may be true in some cases, but it's equally true that some married people do see marriage as a wedding and nothing more. I've known for many, many years that marriage is just not for me.
For me personally there's no need to marry DP. We are committed to one another, and we wouldn't have had children together if there was any doubt about our commitment. For me, having children together is a far, far stronger sign of our commitment than anything else. That's true for me, it's not true for everyone. It's also true for my parents (together for 45 years, not married), my brother (divorced from 1st wife, still with his partner of 16 years and their DS) and my sister and her partner (together for 10 years, two DCs, and married, but not to each other).

GnomeDePlume · 12/11/2011 22:31

It's not about emotional commitment it's about legal commitment. Get yourself to a register office or get yourself to a solicitor but do get it all tied up with ribbon. We all think that we are immortal and that death/disease happen to other people. They come to us all.

DioneTheDiabolist · 12/11/2011 22:31

The benefits of getting married are legal. Most of them can be gotten around if you take good legal advice. Sure it's costly but as a seperated person, getting out of a marriage can be just as costly.Sad

OP, when I read your original question, I thought of my grandmother: a fine upstanding Catholic who a long time ago said "I don't understand why girls get married these days. Sure yis are able to have children, a home, work, and a man. Why would you want a husband?"

Amateurish · 12/11/2011 22:52

Personally, I'm a smug unmarried. I like the fact that we are together because we want to be, not because we have a legal commitment.

And if as a couple we want to split, then we can. Without having to spend thousands on a solicitor, and going through the courts citing examples of each other's "unreasonable behaviour".

People referring the unmarried couples being more likely to split shouldn't confuse correlation with causality.

MrsShortfuse · 12/11/2011 22:53

You can't go on the quiz show Mr & Mrs if you're not married.

trope · 12/11/2011 22:56

MrsShortfuse lol - is that an argument in favour of or against marriage? Wink

DP and I did beat my (married) cousin & her husband at this on new years though... Wink

DigOfTheStump · 12/11/2011 22:58

If yr kid ever needs an op, the dad's rights are not sought, just the mums, or so someone nce told me.

trope · 12/11/2011 23:06

*DigOfTheStump" - i'm afraid you've been misinformed - see here. Scroll down to the section headed "children and teenagers" and reference the box on the top left as to who has "parental responsibility".

As only one parents needs to consent it's possible that the mother signing for it may be considered sufficient (and as mothers more frequently look after/care for sick children this may be seen as the "default") but it's equally possible and legal for just the dad to consent.

exoticfruits · 12/11/2011 23:34

I make an effort to be on friendly terms with DPs family because as his partner they are also my family. Likewise him with mine. I don't do it as insurance in case he dies or gets sick.

I don't expect that you do but anyone who isn't married would be advised to be on friendly terms.
As a wife you automatically come first-even if you don't get on. If you are not married it can be very tricky, especially if people like the foreign office are involved and his parents don't like you.

LordOfTheFlies · 12/11/2011 23:35

DH and I have been together for 25 years and married for 16 years.
DCs are 12 and 9. (Don't believe in rushing these things)

I, personally would not have children out of wedlock. I'm not religious but my parents are, though they wouldn't have pressurised me either way.
I know my PIL would rather my BIL was married (he has DCs)

Everyone has their own opinion.

And there's always the cake to consider Grin

exoticfruits · 12/11/2011 23:45

How many unmarrieds have actually tested it out in life and death situations? Was it problem free? I just know that I would have been in a dreadful financial mess, but that was quite a while ago-maybe things have changed.......

shagmundfreud · 12/11/2011 23:54

I gave up work to care for our children. I sure as hell wouldn't have made myself so financially vulnerable without a contract giving me a share in our home, right to alimony if we divorce, and a share of dh's pension. I'm amazed at how many women are so careless of their financial welfare when they have children. A wedding can be arranged quickly and cheaply. Why on earth would you NOT want this protection?

Original poster
RitaMorgan · 13/11/2011 01:11

I do like the fact that DP and I are together just because we love each other, and not because it would be costly or difficult to divorce.

OP posts:
Cathycomehome · 13/11/2011 01:21

exoticfruits - I am unmarried. Been co habiting for twelve years and have one son aged eleven. Have tested out life and death twice - once at son's birth when it was son who was likely to die and his dad was definitely treated as next of kin, and once in a serious accident where I was in danger - again,no problem.

My partner and I have the same job, same salary, both full time, we are equal in every way. We have sorted outr all legal angles with a solicitor, which was cetainly less expensive than a wedding!

(PS Trope - I agree with everything you say!)

Cathycomehome · 13/11/2011 01:23

I agree with you too, Rita morgan! It's not always the woman in a partnership who is desperate for a ring either!

mynewpassion · 13/11/2011 02:07

Marriage at its heart is for legal purposes. You can gain these legal purposes through solicitors, too. The dress, love, legitimacy, romance, etc are just the window dressing.

What needs to get across in this discussion, regardless if you get married or not, is you need to protect yourself and children, if there are any. For some women, it works to their benefit to not get married. For some, it does.

Marriage is the quickest way to close all the loop holes. If you need to draw something up, you might have to have a living will, a will, power of attorney, insurance/pension,etc.

Whatever a couple decides to do, just make sure you are protected for all situations.

Cathycomehome · 13/11/2011 02:39

Quite, mynewpassion- you just have to make sure legally all will be OK in case of disaster, which you can do without being married if you are aware of pit falls.

I HATE the idea of being Mrs Comehome - i don't want to get married except when my friends assume I'm waiting for him to ask me!

Cathycomehome · 13/11/2011 02:42

He was accepted as my "next of kin" today when I had some dental treatment, as he was when I had the much more serious surgery previously - surel you just go to a solicitor and sort it if you do not wish to be married?

Lookattheears · 13/11/2011 07:15

Exoticfruits is right. My MIL is a toxic old witch and has tried to destroy our marriage many times. I have NO doubts at al that if we weren't married she would do everything in her power to make life difficult if anything bad ever happened.
You don;t have to be Mrs if you don't want to cathy, how absurd. Nor does marriage have to be anything you don;t want it to be.

We are absolute equals too, just married equals.

exoticfruits · 13/11/2011 07:55

That would be perfectly alright Cathy-what you haven't tested out is the death or serious injury of your DP, that is where you would get the difference. Much easier if everyone is friendly but can be very problematic if his parents don't like you.

Rollersara · 13/11/2011 08:21

There are a lot of issues about perception. When I told friends and family I was pg most people accepted it (my sister is an unmarried single mother, which helped with the family side of thngs). But I found it hugely frustrating to get comments like, "He's got to marry you now!", as if I was desperate for marriage and DP was putting it off, when if anything it's the other way round.

For DP and I it would be all about the legals. I hate being the centre of attention and a big wedding would be a costly nightmare from my PoV. Yes, we could have a small registry office wedding, not change our names and just get it ovder and done with, no fuss. But family would be upset on both sides as they see marriage as an excuse for a big family celebration.

We will probably end up doing it anyway, just to make things easier in legal terms. But I don't see it as a public commitment (the baby is much more of a commitment for me!), I love my DP, and plan to spend the rest of my life with him and I resent having to go through an outdated semi-religious ceremony just so other people believe us.

Bonsoir · 13/11/2011 08:33

Marriage is a legal and economic contract; the rights and responsibilities of marriage vary massively from jurisdiction to jurisdiction (something that many people are not aware of!).

exoticfruits · 13/11/2011 08:56

You don't have to go through a semi religious ceremony or have a wedding. You can just pop into the registry office in jeans and get 2 strangers off the street as witnesses!

The main difference seems to me that it you have a toxic MIL it doesn't matter, legally you are the important one and she can't decide anything. If you are not married she can cause mayhem!
Make sure if you don't get a piece of paper that she will like you and put your views first.

Chandon · 13/11/2011 09:22

I always thought it was a personal choice. And it is. I don't care if people get married or just live together.

However, I find that reading threads posted in "relationship" often make for sobering reading, and I often wish for OP's they'd gotten married, so they would be better off when things go wrong Sad

exoticfruits · 13/11/2011 09:29

It doesn't bother me if they are married or not but I think they should be aware of the implications. Before they move into together they should really understand where they stand legally and draw up their wills.
It is fine until things go wrong-and even if nothing goes wrong with the relationship life can throw horrible stuff at you. Do you even know what would happen if DP was lying on a life support machine in Saudi Arabia for example? (RL example of mine-and when they moved in together they would have airily assumed that since they had no intention of ever visiting Saudi Arabia it didn't apply!)