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AIBU?

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Original poster

to still hold a torch for someone

31 replies

Mum2Luke · 12/11/2011 17:13

To cut a long story short, DH and I were going through a rough patch, he thought he could buy his way into my affections and have a new kitchen fitted when all I wanted was a bit of attention (such as taking me out for dinner/generally being nice). He got this guy, his mate's brother-in-law to do the job which I thought 'Ok, give this a go' after meeting him.

We got on like a house on fire - literally, he was so nice, giving me compliments and flirting (he was separated) with me. We ended up snogging, nothing else and I still sort of like him. He has been doing our kid's bedroom and I've been trying to hold my feelings back by making myself scarce while he is here by making myself busy with housework. DH knew nothing so he booked him to do the room and all those feelings have resurfaced. DH is still being an arse, mainly about my job as I work from home looking after kids and do activities which involve glitter sometimes. We have one ore day together on Monday when he is finishing off the job and then I'll miss him being a flirt and just having adult company is nice anyway. I know I should n't feel this way but I cannot just switch them on and off. Wine

OP posts:
Scoundrel · 12/11/2011 17:15

Is the glitter particularly important? lol Grin

Original poster
Mum2Luke · 12/11/2011 17:21

well, I think DH is OCD, he drives me mad complaining about it!! Maybe I should use it for other purposes Grin

OP posts:
Scoundrel · 12/11/2011 17:23

Well, you don't really need me to tell you that you shouldn't be snogging the decorator, do you!

If you want to snog/shag other men then you need to leave your current relationship (obviously). How would you feel if it were your dh snogging someone else?

nordiccamper · 12/11/2011 17:24

I love the glitter reference.

Scoundrel · 12/11/2011 17:26

Me too, nordic Grin

I heard about a woman who's boyfriend cheated so before she left his house for the last time she slung a load of pink glitter into his clothes drawers.

MitziKinsky · 12/11/2011 17:26

I had a friend in this situation.

She left her (high earning) workaholic(-this was his only fault) husband for a (low earning) bloke who was gave her lots of sex attention.

The new bloke left her.

She isn't happy.

Enjoy your nicely decorated house, and tell your DH you want his full attention.

Oh, and the glitter years don't last forever.

quietlyafraid · 12/11/2011 17:30

The grass is always greener especially when things aren't going well in your current relationship.

Two things to ask yourself honestly:
Why did you marry your DH in the first place? You need to remember those things.
Are looking for attention, or reallying starting something with someone you don't really know? Is the excitement a factor?

YANBU to have a torch for someone. What you do about it is another story. You need to resolve issues in your current relationship one way or another before thinking about chasing after something else. The only way to do that is to sit down and discuss everything with DH.

Original poster
Mum2Luke · 12/11/2011 17:30

I know I should, maybe when he has finished it will be easier then he won't have to book him for anymore jobs. We do see him, his sister and his brother in law socially though sometimes and I act as if nothing has happened which is a bit tricky Wink

I've not got his mobile number and I don't even know where he lives ( I wouldn't go even if I knew) so am going to keep it at that I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mum2Luke · 13/11/2011 20:58

I don't believe this, got a text from him and not a nasty one either, in fact it was quite flirty. DH must have given him my number Blush in case he needed to let me know when he's coming tomorrow I guess.

I hope this migraine goes very quickly so I can go to the gym while he's here before I go to work!

By the way the glitter was an activity for the children I mind before and after school Smile. My DS hates the stuff as much as DH

OP posts:
weevilswobble · 13/11/2011 21:15

You dont think your DH is testing you do you? Sounds like a set up. Steer clear.

nordiccamper · 14/11/2011 04:25

It is so hard to resist, but please try. Don't think of it as a grand passion but that he senses your desperation. These things rarely survive being found out though i'm not sure why that is.

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 14/11/2011 04:41

If your DH sees any glitter at all on yer man, the game is up.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/11/2011 04:59

Well this guy is a bit of a louse, isn't he? Brought in to do a DIY job and is enjoying himself making his client's wife's heart flutter. He sounds like an opportunist who senses your desperation and will happily take advantage of it. Hmm

You sound as if you're enjoying being a bit 'giddy', OP. You're risking it all. Don't reply to the text and don't encourage this loser any further. He has nothing to lose - you do, and will, if you don't shake yourself out of this pathetic melodrama.

iscream · 14/11/2011 06:43

What LyingWitchInTheWardrobe said.

TartyMcFarty · 14/11/2011 07:33

Given your username and what you've said here, I'd make your profile private, OP!

Original poster
Mum2Luke · 15/11/2011 17:25

I didn't reply to his text so as not to encourage and told him why too which he accepted and apologised for. DH didn't even know we had a brief fling 3 or 4 years back which we both ended due to the nature of our work.

Its going a bit hard mind being as though he is a family friend and on the odd occasion we all meet up with the kids at Christmas but I am going to suppress any feelings I had and just get along as friends, nothing more He has finished the room now and we have parted on good terms, I didn't want to fall out with him anyway.

Brew
OP posts:
ViviPru · 15/11/2011 17:29

"DH didn't even know we had a brief fling 3 or 4 years back which we both ended"

Shock Confused Hmm .... If ever drip-feeding were an understatement....

Original poster
Mum2Luke · 15/11/2011 17:43

I wouldn't mind but I wasn't encouraging him, I wasn't wearing sexy clothes or conveniently brushing against him to lead him on, mind you I didn't do that last time either!!

Thankfully he's got the message and now he has finished I can get on with life. We are still friends and that is all it will be now.

OP posts:
Diamondback · 15/11/2011 18:31

Good that he's gone, but you do know it wasn't real, don't you? You should be aware that you're still in the danger zone because, as long as you're pissed off with your DH and starved of attention, you're susceptible to this happening again, maybe with someone else.

What you really need to do is sit your DH down and tell him as clearly as possible "I don't want stuff, I want your time and attention and if I don't get it, our relationship is in danger." Spell it out! Make him aware he risks your entire relationship if he continues to neglect you (but don't mention being tempted to cheat). Give him specific instructions (ie, 'it would make me happy if you took me out to dinner once a month') and see if he has similar concerns. Do it before it's too late!

squeakytoy · 15/11/2011 18:41

Snogging is not the same as a "brief fling".... although neither is acceptable when you are married to someone else..

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/11/2011 21:38

OP... your later posts are incongruous with your first one. Is it because you were expecting a flurry of gushy "Ooooh so exciting" posts and have been disappointed that we're raining on your chips so you've changed tack?

It's YOU that needs to get the message, not this guy - he's long gone. Agree with DiamondBack, tell your husband what you want from your relationship because otherwise you're at risk from any man who pays you the slightest bit of attention.

Animation · 15/11/2011 21:50

You snogged him recently - but you've also had a fling with him 3-4 years ago. Is that right?

So it sounds like you are holding his torch.

Your DH sounds like he's on another planet if he senses nothing's up.

Original poster
Mum2Luke · 16/11/2011 10:20

No, we had brief fling 3 or 4 years back when DH and I weren't getting on at all and DH though he could buy my affections by having a new kitchen fitted (he's no idea sometimes about romance or anything, have tried telling him but its like hitting my head against a brick wall, as soon as I saw him I suppose I still liked him but this time we have got on well (but not that well!)

Maybe I did expect those kind of posts I don't know but as I didn't text him it was the other way around, remember I didn't have his number anyway, DH gave it to him so he could contact me if he was late coming to do the work. I didn't do any chasing.

Right, am off to clear up and put the room back to normal.

OP posts:
Animation · 16/11/2011 22:18

Is there glitter everywhere? Smile

LaurieFairyCake · 16/11/2011 22:27

You seem very chilled out for someone who has cheated on their husband, not told him, re-snogged the fling.

All while justifying it by saying your dh does not give you attention.

Stop flirting with oddjob and start flirting with dh.

And use a plastic sheet for the glitter.