AIBU to not let DH take DD to see his parents in another country without me

[butwhatif]

My DD is 7 months old and has always refused a bottle. While I am at work she eats her solid food and drinks water from a freeflow cup. When I get home she feeds from me and will often wake in the night for a feed. She still feeds to sleep every night and in the early morning she will always wake between 4 and 5am for another feed and fall back asleep feeding.

My DH's parents were supposed to be visiting at the end of the month but due to my FIL health they are unable to make the trip. My DH is feeling a little bad about this especially due to us planning on spending Christmas with my parents. His parents have requested that either my DH and my DD go over there for a couple of days or that I and DD go. I do not want to go without DH as I do not speak their language and they don't speak English so it would be a very isolating trip for me. I also do a lot of stuff for work at weekend and it would mean I would fall behind even more than I am already. Both of us going is not an option as we do not have the money, one going would max the OD out and mean that there is no money for Christmas.

AIBU to not want to go?
AIBU to not want to let DH take DD without me? She has never been apart from me for more than 7 hours at a time and never gone down for the night without me. If I'm honest I hate expressing and know if he does this I will have to at least to relieve the pain.
AIBU to think the inlaws have no right to ask us to do this at this time of year? We have planned to visit them next March anyway.

FWIW FIL has been unwell for a long time. He had a heart attack years ago and stopped working. He was told to give up doing certain things and hasn't done. He had another heart attack a few months ago and this is the health concern that is stopping them coming.

TIA

My ILs speak a different language and I agree that it's not easy to learn another language whilst juggling work, baby, etc. But you don't have to be fluent to visit for a few days, just learn some basics.

And, in a bilingual family, I think it's really important to get past feelings like 'I'll feel isolated so I don't want to go.' The great thing about family is that you don't need to talk all the time, you can just spend time together, especially if there's a cute little baby to coo over. Language differences are really difficult but it's not good to let them dictate the amount of family time you have.

My in-laws also speak a different language, and no, I don't speak it! I have learnt enough to be polite, say please, thank you, appreciate presents, and get about the place in terms of place names/time/make basic needs known. But that's it. I'd love all these snide commentators to just pick up to fluency level a new language (perhaps with a different alphabet) just because the in-laws speak it, if it were French I'd have been ok! If it's so easy, why not just learn one for the fun of it (oh, because it takes years of dedication). I am learning it, slowly, but I can't imagine having a full conversation anytime soon.

But I do agree with dreamingbohemian that you shouldn't let that worry you in terms of going over there on your own. What about taking your own mother? (would she pay for herself) or a friend? Or just being very blunt with your husband- if he doesn't ask for any help, then you simply won't be able to do.

You will always be a bit linguistically isolated (unless it's a common easy-to-learn language you perhaps did at school), but don't let that stop you going. I have gone on my own, and there was a lot of hand-waving and general difficulties but it was fine and there's lots of hugging and baby adoration as dreamingbohemian says. YOu don't need to be fluent to visit, honest.

OP, your joint finances simply do not allow for this trip to be made. But from the sound of your husband's attitude to money, and not letting his parents know that cost could be a factor, him telling them that sounds unlikely. From what you have said (and not said), I'm presuming your FIL's health does not present an immediate danger, but is not up to air travel ? Could you make some other excuse to PIL (no time allowed off work, DD's immunisations schedule, your and DH's health) to stick to pre-arranged visit in March?

Being that skint brings stresses that I think you could do without right now.

@Hardgoing, dreamingbohemian. Maybe I wasn't clear enough in my brief comment about the language: obviously, especially if the language is a hard to learn one, it's not going to be possible to be fluent, and I certainly wouldn't expect it. But to me "speaking the language" includes just having the basics to get by - I've generally found that the basics plus lots of good will on both sides will allow for a surprisingly large amount of communication. I'd understood the OPs post as meaning that she doesn't speak a word of the language, not that she doesn't speak it fluently - maybe I was wrong - and that was what surprised me.

My apologies if I've hurt anyone.

Just to be aware that strictly speaking, I do think both parents need to consent to foreign travel with a minor, particularly for some countries which look for or require a letter of consent from the absent parent. I ALWAYS arrange for such a letter from my DD's dad before I go anywhere and likewise he does the same. And I travel with a copy of her birth certificate to prove I am the parent since we have different surnames on our passports. It just prevents any possibility of hassle at border controls.

I should add I think it would be a bit heavy handed and not constructive in your case to refuse to give such a consent by way of a trump card.

I can see how you feel about not wanting DD to go without you in terms of the breastfeeding but it might not be a bad thing for her to learn to go down without your feeding her to sleep. I used to always rely on this as well and it caused no end of problems later on when she became so used it that I was effectively tied down as the only person who could put her to bed. As far as being stuck expressing and the rest, how long is DH wanting to go for?

Sorry, I've also seen that your DD won't take a bottle. I do think it's a bit unfair to expect your DD to only have her feeds exclusively from a cup at that age for any length of time, which kind of tips it toward your needing to be there.

AIBU to not want to go? NO
AIBU to not want to let DH take DD without me? NO
AIBU to think the inlaws have no right to ask us to do this at this time of year? We have planned to visit them next March anyway. NO

YANBU I wouldn't let my DC out of the coutry without me at that age especially if BF!
I would either all go or just DH.
I would (if it was me) save and carry on with the plan to go next year (you should really go at some point if they cannot travel).
Or get a cheap loan if things don't look good for FIL.
I think the thing these days for some is to act like mothers and fathers are just the same. They ARE both as important but not 'the same' especially for a tiny or BF baby!

I'd say that if they're so desperate that can ensure that your finances are not royally f'd over this, then you take your work with you and go with them.

It think any mum with child breastfed or not would be very unhappy if child went without her. But would she really need to go without you.

Tread carefully. Lots of things you say resonate - and I had this issue at 15 months old also with a 'dying' fil (but not the same as this was far more complicated and nothing about fil but about mil trying to get ds to visit at 15 months without me when we had just come back from a visit and I'd just started a new job and we went lots at huge expense and fil was denied access to ds by the family so very different and manipulative and political issue).

I'd always prioritise needs of child over parents (particularly if fil has seen your dc)

Language issue (so f'cking what if you don't speak lingo but it shouldn't stop you going at all).

Don't let this blow up - please, please find a mid way and get the finances together with help of pils - I'm sure they'd help if they knew (and yes my dh is very proud in showing his family back home how great he had it even if it means robbing peter to pay paul).

Do try to go - if you pils knew the situation I'm sure they could help. Overflow of one weekend of work can compenstated for over a few weeks surely?

For those who keep commenting that I should learn the language. I try in the time I get. But I work full time and struggle to find time to do everything I need to do as it is. FWIW I have learnt enough to understand parts of conversations and when around DH and other Spanish speakers I can often pick up what the conversation is about and can pick out occasionally what my DH is saying.

I honestly do not know how ill the FIL is but I now understand that it was the inlaws that requested that DH and DD went without me and it was DH who suggested that if they wanted to see DD then it would be better if I went as DD feeds to sleep a few times a night. It is also difficult for him to get time off since he has used all his holidays (DD birth and 2 weeks at his parents). My DH is a fantastic father, it is just money he struggles with. He works evenings so looks after her during the day. He knows how difficult she is sometimes and how upset she gets when I'm late home and her BF is late. At that point he is usually worn out and happily passes her over to me.

Now I really don't know what to do as I feel like (understandably) my inlaws will be disappointed if I turn up as they miss their son too. Since DH feels it is ok for me and DD to go I assume he does not feel that his fathers condition has worsened.

Any for those saying I should use the money put aside for March... quite funny - there is no money put away for March! I'll start saving that in January. We'll scrape by again and I'll be the one that goes without so we go, again. DH eats at work so never has to go without.

I'm sorry, but you should not be going without basics just so your DH can keep up a pretence of success in front of his parents - that is ridiculous.

Tell him he can go with DD if they pay. End of. It's only Spain, they can go for a couple of days and DD will be fine with solids/water/bottle - she will take a bottle if she's hungry enough. It's not ideal, but it's not the end of the world.

I just looked after my friends 8 month old baby who wouldn't previously take a bottle - she took one off of me like a pro!!

However, I suspect your DH will choose not to ask them to pay so that's academic.

YANBU at all. If she's BF how can she go without you?

I'd say some of the objections are not reasonable - workload for instance - but if they were going to come here, they could divert the moeny to your going there all together, surely?

Why have ils requested that they have dd without the mum?

I'd let my DH go, because he'd be the one having to deal with DD and she'd quickly learn to take a bottle. She's his baby too, and she manages a cup in the day, she'll manage a cup of milk at bedtime if she needs to.

YANBU. A 7 month old breastfed baby needs to be with its mum - and vice versa.

I really think if they're that keen to see their DGD then it's up to them to find a solution. Either DH swallows his pride and asks for money so you can all go, or they come over here, even with FIL's illness. Sorry if that sounds horrible, but if he has a heart condition it can probably be managed with medication - it's not as if he has terminal cancer.

forever -does that mean that the op has to give up bfeeding for her fil? I'm sure the baby MIGHT take the bottle but was that op's plan?

I'[ve said op should try to go if she can but as this is the pils call they should help and op has since said that fils want the dd without the mum. I'd love to know why.

"I'll be the one that goes without so we go, again. DH eats at work so never has to go without."
butwhatif - am I picking you up right? Paying for flights means you are going without food?

Kirsty -- no worries, not offended at all, I had a similar impression

OP if your DH can't get time off anyway it all sounds like a moot point. Just plead work and say you're sorry you can't make it. Maybe you can move your trip up a bit so they don't have to wait so long? And definitely get skype if you can, it keeps grandparents happy!

I would not let my husband go alone with my child. You did not say what nationality your PIl were and, as soon as I had finished reading your post, I wondered if I started to think about those children who had been taken abroad and not returned, causing heartache and lots of litigation to get them returned.

I would never have been happy being apart from my DC at 7 months for several days. YANBU

And it seems there are some people here who have no concept of how breastfeeding works. Well, I hope that's the case anyway

er,AnotherEmptyNest, I don't think it's reasonable to believe that just because the ILs speak another language, the OP's DH is planning to snatch the baby, FGS! very xenophobic.

The breastfed issue is of paramount importance here. Ot isn't a matter of ;letting' him go or not, or being unsupportive or insensitive - if a child is bf, it needs to be with it's mother. That's all there is to say.

OP - originally the MIL and FIL would both have flown to visit you - can they not now pay for one of your flights to visit them instead? It seems the obvious answer.

dreamingbohemian

I have to agree with you about being in a family with differences in language. I can understand reasons for not going for financial reasons or DD going with DH cos of her feeding, but I don't think language being a barrier should be used as an excuse.

Even if you don't speak a word. Instead I think you are passing up on a wonderful opportunity to experience their culture. Its amazing how little spoken language you actually need to communicate and be understood. Sign language and body language are underrated. And actually, you find yourself understanding a lot more than you think you would after a couple of days, even if you still can't speak a word. Sometimes a lack of a common language makes you more special and makes people go more out of their way to make you feel welcome. If you have someone looking after you, picking you up from the airport etc, you don't have to worry about things.

I've travelled to a couple of countries where no one seemed to speak english and I couldn't speak their language. They have been some of my most exciting and wonderful trips. I have never been made to feel so welcome.

Like I say, other reasons for not going I can understand, but not language.

I think you just should think of it like this - If anything happened to you fil (Touching wood as I type) and you had not tried to find a solution how would that make you feel and make your dh feel toward you?

DH taking baby on his own doesn't seem like a reasonable option, she's too small and still breastfeeding. This is both your baby and so you both have equal say in that and you have the right to veto.

Falling behind in work and not being able to speak a language and being uncomfortable for a few days is something that you could soon get over and a small sacrifice for presumably the big happiness you would be giving them. Assuming that they are nice people who would appreciate your effort and make you feel welcome.

I'm only posting this because I recently didn't make the effort to take my dcs to visit a sick relative abroad who suddenly took a turn for the worse and passed away. I was very fond of said relative, he was besotted with dcs and know how happy he would have been to see them. I'll never forgive myself for not getting my arse in gear.

Maybe if they could afford to chip in then your dh could join you too.

And if you did it I bet you'd get some really good karma in return!

StickyProblem There's a big difference between "don't speak at all" (e.g., my FIL who's English just about amounts to "hello", "goodbye", "thank you", and "can I speak with

I think it's quite unreasonable that all your dh's holiday time has to go on trips to see his parents.

And I'm not sure exactly how often you need to visit to play the "seeing fil before he (sadly) dies" game - if he lives till next April, will a trip now have been enough? Or if he is alive in another year, or two - you cannot live life trying to always have a final visit 'just in case'.
I missed getting home in time to see my father before he died by a matter of hours. Felt bad about it at the time, but I've always known it was the closeness of the ongoing relationship that mattered, not whether I timed it just right that final time.