AIBU to not let DH take DD to see his parents in another country without me

[butwhatif]

My DD is 7 months old and has always refused a bottle. While I am at work she eats her solid food and drinks water from a freeflow cup. When I get home she feeds from me and will often wake in the night for a feed. She still feeds to sleep every night and in the early morning she will always wake between 4 and 5am for another feed and fall back asleep feeding.

My DH's parents were supposed to be visiting at the end of the month but due to my FIL health they are unable to make the trip. My DH is feeling a little bad about this especially due to us planning on spending Christmas with my parents. His parents have requested that either my DH and my DD go over there for a couple of days or that I and DD go. I do not want to go without DH as I do not speak their language and they don't speak English so it would be a very isolating trip for me. I also do a lot of stuff for work at weekend and it would mean I would fall behind even more than I am already. Both of us going is not an option as we do not have the money, one going would max the OD out and mean that there is no money for Christmas.

AIBU to not want to go?
AIBU to not want to let DH take DD without me? She has never been apart from me for more than 7 hours at a time and never gone down for the night without me. If I'm honest I hate expressing and know if he does this I will have to at least to relieve the pain.
AIBU to think the inlaws have no right to ask us to do this at this time of year? We have planned to visit them next March anyway.

FWIW FIL has been unwell for a long time. He had a heart attack years ago and stopped working. He was told to give up doing certain things and hasn't done. He had another heart attack a few months ago and this is the health concern that is stopping them coming.

TIA

How is OP adding obstacles ffs?

The baby is BF
It will put them into debt if just ONE of them goes
OP cannot speak their language so it will be shite for all if she goes without DH

FIL cant be that ill if he has been advised to give up certain things but hasnt.

For me getting into debt for it would be good enough reason alone

Molly...her DH doesn't seem to have a problem, maybe op is over egging the pudding for our benefit?

I agreed about the BF being an issue. But;

• the language...PIL want to see your DD. A couple of days of having no one to have long conversations with is not the end of the world.
• too much work to do...take it with you, PIL can spend time with their DGD and OP can get on with work
• the money...PIL were obviously planning to pay for their own tickets. Asking for them to pay for one ticket so all 3 can go wouldn't be U.

None of this stuff is insurmountable...my point is that the OP seems to be looking for reasons not to, rather than ways to do it.

YANBU my DH is fom Oz and he would never ask that of me....he knows I would be terribly sad as would our DDs. WHy can't you both go?

YABU. Instead of focussing your energy on finding excuses, try to work out a reasonable solution.

YABU
First of all you're implying that FIL is responsible for his health codnition, therefore he... what? doesn't deserve this sacrifice?

You don't have to spend any money, the money that your inlaws would spend on their trip will go towards your DH's and DD's tickets.

You'll have the chance to relax and catch up on work, you say you've fallen behind.
Your baby will be absolutely fine, don't be so precious, she'll be with her daddy. And if there are going to be any sleepless nights... well... not your problem, is it?

A couple of days will not even affect your supply, I BFed my youngest for 5 1/2 years and was often away on business trips, it was fine.

And finally, yes, I do agree that it's not up to you to "let" your husband take your DD away, how would you feel if you changed roles and he wrote on a forum "my FIL is ill but it's his fault really, DW wants to go and see him, should I allow her to take DD with?"

Perspective is a priceless thing....

Great post twilight!

TBH if one of you going would max out your overdraft I would just say to the in-laws that we can't afford to come. Nevermind all of the other issues!

How would your dh feel if his father died without ever seeing his granddaughter? It's not his fault he isn't fit enough to travel so you really do need to find a way around it

How far away are your parents-how easy to get to?

How about Christmas with the ILs if they suggest it as a present?

Why haven't they offered to pay?

You don't have to spend any money, the money that your inlaws would spend on their trip will go towards your DH's and DD's tickets.

Thats a pretty big assumption! The ILs may not want to contribute to the tickets, I assume that if they did then they would have suggested it by now, otherwise the OP and her DH wouldnt be taking on the cost themselves.

Also, it could be one of those situations where people dont think through what they are asking.

"We cant come to you so you can come to us instead" and then get funny when they are told that actually, no that isnt possible. Going into debt and a BF baby are good enough reasons on their own to say no, never mind everything else!

Difficult one, YANBU, but on balance I think you should 'let' him take her for 2 nights if that's possible. I agree she is still young but she will be fine without you for a couple of nights an it is really important for your FIL to see her if he can. I'm trying to put myself in your position and although I'd struggle with some of it, I think I'd make it happen for my DH's sake.

Not to be morose, but I think dragging out the "how would your dh feel if his father died without seeing his granddaughter" is a bit over the top. These things, unfortunately, do happen.

My FIL died a few months before our DS3 was born, so he never saw him. My father died in March of this year, having never met DS2 or DS3 (or our DGS1&2) in person. The first couple years of DS3's life, my parents weren't willing to travel here and we couldn't afford to travel there (abroad). Since DS2 was born, my parents have both had serious health concerns and could not travel. So when my father died in March this year, he had never seen DS2 or DS3, however, he had spoken to them on the phone and seen pictures and such. My mother still has some health problems and isn't certain if she'll be able to come over here to visit, and we still cannot afford to visit her there. She knows this, and even though she could afford to pay for us to visit and would like for us to visit, she has not offered the money, and to be fair, I'm not sure I'd be comfortable taking the money anyway. It's complicated, but I want my mother to keep her money to make sure she is financially stable. It would be lovely to see her, but due to DS2's SNs, the trip would be incredibly difficult anyway. So there is a very good possibility that my mum will pass away in the years to come without having actually met some of her grandchildren. It's unfortunate, but these things happen. We try to make things easier by lots of phone contact and letters and pictures and videos.

Throwing a guilt trip into the mix really isn't on.

I would simply say that if they want you over there before March, then it's on their money (either as a gift or a long term loan). Otherwise, they will need to wait. In this economic climate, shorting yourself is not very clever, you never know what's right around the corner financially.

YABU to not "let" your DH take his DD with him for 2 nights. FIL might die, now you may not care at all, but I'm sure your DH does. "Let" him take his DD for a visit.

This is a hard one :-( I am taking my DD away to visit my family in Jan for 2 weeks, but mine is 2 1/2! 7 months is v little to be without your primary source of comfort and nutrition mummy. But, the heart condition doesn't sound good :-( Could you go and bring your work with you? An immersion situation like this would be BRILLIANT help for you learning their language which you should be trying to do any way, as what kind of person marries someone and can't even be bothered to try to speak the in laws language?!

OP, you havent said, what is your DHs view on this.

You said he feels bad because you are having Xmas with your parents, but has he actually said that he wants to go and is he trying to find ways around your issues? Or is it more that he would go if it were a perfect world but as it isnt he accepts it isnt that easy, but he is feeling guilty?

It would be a no-go for me, both on the basis of the BF and the debt. TBH, I still wouldn't be thrilled for my DH to take either of my DD's out of the country without those issues, even though I know it would be totally unreasonable of me. (And by not thrilled, I mean that I would be hard pressed not to kick him in the goolies for suggesting taking my 7 month old away overnight.)

This morning my DH took my nearly 4yo DD on a trip to see some old friends while I stayed back with DD2 and the pets. It's only the second time she's ever been away from me overnight. I cried. Don't really care if IABU.

"Both of us going is not an option as we do not have the money, one going would max the OD out and mean that there is no money for Christmas."
That is a good reason for this trip not to happen. Getting into that level of debt through anything other than dire necessity is to be avoided.

However, if the PIL were willing to contribute financially to the flight costs, I would go ahead, either your DH/DD or you too if PIL would contribute to your costs too. If not and DH/DD go alone, the BF should hopefully not be interfered with too much, yes you dislike expressing but needs must. You might be able to use the couple of days to catch up with work, which will help you too.

I think the word 'let' may just have been an unfortunate choice of words. I think to take a 7 month old, breast fed baby away from her mother and out of the country there does need to be agreement between the parents! So maybe the op should have said 'AIBU to not agree to DH taking DD to see his parents' instead of let, but the point is the same.

The same would apply if she wanted to take the baby out of the country, she should make sure she has his agreement, not just take the baby against his wishes.

Can't your DH go alone? I know OP said either DH/baby or OP/baby, but under the circumstances I'm sure they'd agree that seeing their son by himself would be a good compromise.

This is still a fairly young baby who is probably mainly reliant on bf's. OP, YANBU on that point alone. The only way it's going to work is if OP goes.

I think at a real push OP should consider going alone or if the IL's can afford to, all 3 of them should go.

YANBU. I woudln't even dream of being away from a 7 month old breastfed baby, who wouldn't take a bottle, overnight. she is probably still geting the majority of calories from you and I'd guess she would be really unsettled and hungry without you. I don' t understand why your DH thinks it is a workable option?
Can your in-laws contribute towards a ticket for one of you?

YANBU. I would never let my DS's travel abroad without me. Can your DH explain to his parents that you can't afford the trip and maybe they can help out towards the fares with some of the money that they had earmarked to come and see you in UK.