Is DH being unreasonable about his work / friends Christmas plans?

[thatsenough]

I will start by saying that DH moved from the leafy London suburbs 12 years ago to be with me (220 miles north) and I don't usually begrudge him the occasional trip back to visit friends, however this year, I feel is a step to far.

He has three nights / trips planned.

Trip 1 - A night out with colleagues fairly locally on Children in Need night. DH will be driving, so no turning up drunk at 3am, but with it being CIN our three DCs (aged 2, 4 and 6) will be at a party, which I will have to attend alone - not a huge deal, but easier with two parents.

Trip 2 - this a trip away to Germany for two nights mid-week. It started with a one-off trip three years ago to celebrate Christmas and the retirement of a popular colleague and has since evolved into an annual trip. I don't really object, they keep costs down and I've manage to sort out childcare etc.

Trip 3 - is where the problems start with the trip to London. It was originally planned for the weekend before Christmas (go Saturday, back Sunday) with my Christmas meal on the Friday ( I will add in here that I did offer to miss this as DH had a 4th meal planned with partners - I agreed to go on that meal instead of mine, but it has since been cancelled and my meal was back on). The chosen weekend wasn't ideal as it is the only Saturday we have free to do something Christmassy with the children, but we agreed to keep the Monday free.

So the problem is that it has been changed to the Friday - the night of my meal. I will have to collect the children from school early as it's the last day of term, get one to speech therapy, two to swimming (including tea with friends after) and get home and ready by 7.

I don't think it can be done and will probably cancel mine - not a huge deal BUT DH thinks it's so easy to manage and has even suggested that on the Saturday I get the train (with children) down to London and that I should see it as an adventure - my comment that I would rather have root canal treatment than do that journey had not gone down well.

So ladies of the jury AIBU to not be full if smiles for his weekend plan? I would never say don't go, or sulk for days, but I did not jump for joy!

I will be back later (after speech therapy, swimming and tea) to hear the verdict.

YANBU to not be jumping with joy but I 'feel' YABu and I'm not sure why - probably all the 'not a huge deal', 'I don't really object' type comments that make me think your just being a bit PA.

Trip 1 is a non event.

Because he is having trip 2 (is it same group of friends), then trip 3 seems a bit excessive. is it now to be 2 nights in london or will he be home on the saturday? If it's 2 nights, then I think he should tell his pals that he can't make the friday as you are going out then, but head down on the saturday?

To clarify before I vanish until after bedtime - it is three separate groups of people and one night in London.

I suppose my main problem looking over the OP is that DH usually manages to clash with something and never really sees it as a problem.

I think YANBU to be pissed off and really, seeing as your meal has always been planned for the Friday whilst his has changed, he should be saying "actually I can't make it any more", he still gets 2 out of 3 nights, and you get your night as well. He should be willing to compromise, seeing as they are his kids too.

I think trip 3 should be cancelled. If he is going away for trip 2, then he ought to be pulling his weight and enabling you to go out too.

The thing with these threads is that the woman always seems to manage all the child care and plans her social life around the kids, but the men seem to do what they want in the assumption that the woman will take care of business. It's not on - he has a child, so can't continue to be the child.

I never understand women who get lumbered and then say 'I don't mind, really'. Why don't you mind. I bloody would.

Tell him to pull his finger out and help and that you are going out Friday and he can do speech therapy and swimming if it's so easy to manage. Don't be such a bloody martyr.

Maybe you should put onus on him to arrange childcare for his trips, then he may appreciate things are more difficult than they seem.

Have to say though it's a few nights out and many lone parents do this 365. Appreciate you are not one and shouldn't have to act like one, but it is NU for a person, who is also a parent, to want to celebrate at xmas. Mayybe it's just more about being able to set boundaries that make his time off having fun, less hard work for you.

FWIW I think you should find a way between you so that either you both go out to your sperate do's on the firday or he rearranges.

You had a pre-existing arrangement for the Friday; presumably childcare fell to him on that date because of that. So by changing his trip to the Friday, he is letting you down. No, YANBU. I think he should tell them he can't make it on the Friday due to prior commitments.

Yanbu

are you always the default babysitter?

He needs to sort some childcare if he wants to go out on the Friday.

Op he moved 220 miles to be with you. I'm sure that didn't mean that every time he wants to go home you have to cancel your plans and suck it up as you selfishly dragged him up north or wherever you are. He came of his own free will.

Don't cancel your Xmas do. Ask him how he can rearrange childcare so you can both do what you want. If not, he'll have to go down to London on the saturday. It'll be an adventure :)

I've got a few minutes, before swimming so I'll answer a few questions.

DH did move here, his choice. At the time I had my own business and it made sense for him to come here. But he does miss his friends and lifestyle from back then, although he does realise that things have moved on and he doesn't hold it against me (Having said that he doesn't like where we live, even though it's one of the nicer areas, and longs for the nice shops, parks, bars etc of the area he left behind).

Neither of us go out very often and usually babysit if the other wants to go out - DH has asked my Dad to babysit on the Fruday and he will.

I could still go out on the Friday it would be a rush and stressful, but it could probably be done. The reason I'm not bothered is that big groups of drinking people isn't really my scene - a nice meal with a few close friends is something I would fight for!

I could cancel swimming and tea to make things easier, but then the children would miss on seeing friends that they aren't at school with.

He does sound pretty selifish and no way should it be your job to cancel your nights out to enable him to have a bit more. As to "he moved 220 miles to be with me" - well so what? He made his choice, you don't have to lay on total responsibility for his children to atone for the rest of your life.

Tell him to take the children with him to London. It'll be such an adventure.

I'll go against the grain here. I think you're being unreasonable, actually, and a bit precious about your arrangements.

These things happen sometimes and as others have said as 'trips' (one's a night out locally for gawd's sake!) 1 and 2 are not problematic so basically you are getting your knicker's in a twist about a stay in London which inconveniences you. Is a Christmas meal really such a biggie?

As you said he's moved up to be with you so you have to suck it up.

If he has arranged for your Dad to babysit so that you can go out and he can go to London then what is the problem? I'm sure the kids would cope without seeing thse friends that week. It sounds like you don't want to go anyway so ...er... why the thread?

Oh well, it sounds like you're sorted then? I don't think missing swimming once is that big of a deal unless it's the only activity available in the wasteland that you live in that is 'not London' :)

Maybe your husband has rose tinted specs on when he looks back at his former life? I imagine you can't really compare being young and child free living in a big city with having a family in the burbs without feeling nostalgic.

Have fun at swimming :)

My gut feeling is that it's all do-able. Ask him to arrange any childcare if the original plan was for him to be looking after the children on the Friday .as long as he does that, you're sorted, surely?

I can't see the problem' if your dad is happy to babysit. Surely the swimming (if lessons, are they really still on the weekend before Christmas?) and tea with friends can easily be missed (though I guess if you send the children off to tea with friends it gives you child free time to get ready).

Would your DH have been available to do the things on Friday afternoon anyway (if he wasn't going to a meal in London)? Wouldn't they occur when he was at work?

Do I want to go? Currently not that bothered, but then that is usually pretty normal for me when it comes to going out, although I do usually enjoy myself when there.

I suppose the problem is getting everything done before going out. I expected DH and I to share what needed to be done, giving me some time to get ready. We can get a babysitter, but I can't expect my Dad to do the other stuff.

There's plenty of time to decide, I suppose my reason for posting today was just feeling miffed that DH disregarded my logistic concerns, and seemed to think I was the miserable one for not wanting to get a train to London to meet him.

By tea with friends I mean we eat at the gym afterwards - several children and parents, it'll be the last meet before Christmas and a shame to miss it.

DH is a Firefighter and would be off on the Friday and available to help, had he not been going to London.

Ah, now that I DO sympathise with. DH's best one was suggesting (when I objected to him going off on a church choir jolly bang in the middle of the school holidays) that it would be a lovely adventure to bring three children out to meet him mid-week.

That would be (at the time) two travel-sick pre-schoolers and an autistic 7-year-old. Who hadn't previously been abroad. To sit and listen to a church choir for an hour. Mmm. Fun, fun, fun.

I consider DH to be quite hands on, but sometimes his dopiness amazes me - Lancelottie- what did he say when you said "no", my DH is still utterly baffled that I don't want to travel down to join him!

Some people have fairlys exist relationships but why can't you just say that's fine but he must arrange childcare and all the driving and trips to speech therapy for when he's away? If he has hands which i assume he does then he has the ability to pick up phones and hire drivers/ nannies etc

Also do consider going separately from the children down to things. Get him to hire a fun local girl (there are countless lovely students who would love to be paid £6 an hour to do that trip) and she travels with the children standrd class and you go by first class rail having a lovely evening meal in the process. Sound a good plan? Also of course make him book all the tickets and make all the arrangements.

Also never forget the rule of fairness. If he has 3 trips events like this then you ensure you have at least as many.

I think yab a bit u, simply because as he moved to be with you, you are close to your friends and can see them any time whereas he doesn't have that luxury.

If his trip was making your night impossible I would say yanbu but that's clearly not the case. My advice? Miss swimming, rearrange the tea with friends and ask your Dad to cme earlier to watch the dc while you get ready.

If you don't want to meet him in London, I get that but personally I wouldn't have an issue taking all my kids on a train to London and I have 5 (aged 2-12) and if you are organised and set expectations it can be a nice adventure for them. But if you don't fancy it then don't do it.

I do think you can both have your nights out though and think it's a bit odd how you keep saying you're not that bothered when clearly you are as you posted.