To dread going into work at the moment, and not know what the hell to do?

[rocksandhardplaces]

I am really unsure about this and posting here for the hard answers. I am 11 weeks pregnant and threatening miscarriage, basically, since week 5. Bleeding, pain etc.. they thought it was ectopic at one point because of how I was presenting.

Anyway, I first found out things were awry six weeks ago and stupidly went to work after the scan. I walked in after my appointment and a colleague started telling me about her bad morning and I just couldn't help myself, I burst into tears. I work on a small team of women (five) and we work very closely together all day, and I consider that I am very friendly with my colleagues if we are not "friends". I have certainly been there to talk them through their marital woes etc, among other things.. but anyway, I didn't get such a great reception from one colleague in particular.

As well as "What are you crying for, you're still pregnant if they haven't given you a d and c?" and "I had one at 12 weeks, this happens to most women, there's no point crying at 5 weeks it's barely a missed period, you have a child already, at least you know you can get pregnant", "better now than later in the pregnancy" (!!!), she was clearly very scornful that I was upset, sort of eye rolling about it.

Anyway, it emerged later in the day that she had lost a baby to SIDS at 3 months. Her child would be in his twenties now.

I do understand how it must have seemed silly to her that I was upset over something so early with this context, but I wasn't trying to be offensive and I hadn't planned to be upset or I wouldn't have gone to work. In my head I was being very "oh it's one of those things" about it, but of course, you have the hormonal element when you are pregnant and it was a shock to me and it was just stupid to put myself in the situation of talking about it like that. After she told me about her son, we ended up talking for hours about her little boy, and I was so sad for her and I do not in any way think they are the same thing, not even one tiny bit

BUT

I am feeling really fragile and this colleague continues to make these comments about how if it doesn't work out I can have another blah blah blah and when I had to take a day off this week to go to A and E as basically had another massive bleed, she was messaging me about work stuff in between. At one point when she made a comment about how she hoped "it would be all over soon so I could refocus on work", I said: "look, I know that this is getting in the way of work at the moment but it's just because I don't know what's going on and it might be better if we talked less about it, because there's nothing I can do either way". This was followed up by several stories of women she knew who had threatened miscarriages who went on to have stillbirths and how this proved there was no guarantee so there was "no point worrying"... erm, yeah, but those stories really don't help me.

I feel so conflicted because I can see it from her point of view in one sense, but I have had to take on this really forced jolliness about things and endure all of this talk when to be honest, I am feeling really crap at the moment and I don't know what the hell is happening with me. I really don't want to have to be off work because even though it is hard to go in and out because of complications, I find if I am sitting at home I just feel totally down about things and can't stop thinking about it.

How do I get her to stop talking about this? I wish to GOD I had never said anything, I never meant to.. I just wish I could take it back and deal with this on my own without the constant running commentary. It is hard because I can see that it is caused by what she went through, and that she really thinks she is being helpful (and I am being a bit young and silly) but the bottom line is I am pregnant right now and I don't want to talk about it as a miscarriage/stillbirth etc.

AIBU? AIB a totally fucking U cow who just should suck it up? Part of me thinks so, part of me feels sorry for myself. Need opinions fast.

Oh dear - how difficult. Well I think there are two options - get signed off due to teh situation and stress and at least you'll have some peace although you won't have the distraction of work OR say very firmly 'I'm sorry, I know you're trying to help but I cannot talk about this for one more second, please don't mention my situation again.' She will probably huff but shut up.

YANBU, I feel for that poor woman's loss of her son but how is talking about stillbirths to a pregnant woman ever helpful?

I think she just needs to shut the fuck up. Tell her that you would rather not discuss it anymore as her negative comments are unhelpful and you find them upsetting. If you do have to go to hospital again, turn your phone off so that she can't message you. Stupid woman. I hope everything improves with your pregnancy so that you can begin to enjoy it x

Do you not think I would sound like a total bitch if I said that? It's weird but I feel almost ashamed being upset/fragile around her because she's had such a hard time of it, I feel it almost entitles her to her opinion. Yet I can't hack it at the same time.

Ok could you say 'I can't talk a bout this st work anymore as it's too distracting and I know it's silly ( it's not silly but needs must) but please don't mention it. Thank you.' brave smile

As terrible as the loss of her son obviously was, her loss has nothing to do with your pregnancy. She is being cruel and her comments are upsetting you further at a difficult time. I would totally avoid the subject of your pregnancy with your colleague from now on.

Oh gosh OP how horrible for you Can you talk to outline manager! I know if one of my staff came to me with a similar situation, I would act upon it (not entirely sure what my course of action would be, but I wouldn't let it continue)

Northern Lurker is correct, you have to let her know that you do not wish to talk about your situation with her.

I may get flamed for this one but...whilst I sympathise with your colleagues horrific loss, And I cannot imagine what she went/ is going through, her feelings do not negate your horrible experience just now. Which is the possibility of losing your baby. I am of the "it's a baby at conception" crew and although I have been lucky not to have miscarried, I did have a threatened one and I was devestated at the thought of losing my baby.

You need to take it easy and try not to let this silly woman get to you. Speak to your manager about her comments and texts whilst at appointments and about refocusing for work. This woman is thoughtless at best and utterly vile at worst with those comments.

She is entitled to an opinion and so are you. Remember, her experience does not negate yours and yours is horrible for you. I hope your pregnancy improves and I hope you or another can tell this woman to shut the fuck up to be blunt! Have a hug x

Outline manager WTF! I meant line manager obviously!

Her experience does not in anyway belittle your experience they are 2 completely different situations. You need to be straight without being rude and creating an awkward working environment. You should ask to have a word in private with her and explain that although you are aware her intentions are not malicious, her comments are not helping you and in fact are making you more anxious. Good luck!

Rock, of you don't feel up to it, can't you get a manager to have a quiet word with her? Don't forget that you are having a hard time of it yourself. Your colleague sounds insensitive at best.

Oh op I really feel for you. You need to focus on yourself and your pregnancy and your baby. You have to tell her to stop talking about it with you. It's not your fault if she had a baby that unfortunately died and she has no right to make you feel guilty about it. You need to see it as her issue and you need to nip it in the bud too because can you seriously go through the rest of your pregnancy with her making comments about stillbirths and miscarriages all the time? If that's her way of dealing with it in herself that is her choice but she has no right to push that onto you.

My friend's sister worked with a load of women who couldn't have children and they bullied and belittled her throughout her difficult pregnancy because 'at least she could have a baby'. However unfair some women feel it is that some can have babies and some can't it isn't the responsibility of the pregnant woman to make them feel better by taking on their shit.

Don't tell her anything more and look after yourself :)

x post with all of the above.

Unfortunately I am subcontracted into a team where we all come from different organisations, so we don't share a line manager.

I do have to do something. I think you are right NormanTebbit that I need to say "I know it's silly but I'd just rather we didn't.." etc.

I am realising as I write that I am feeling quite hurt and angry about it on one level, not so much about the topic but that there is a sort of "ah you'll learn" element to it, as though I were a silly little girl who didn't know what life was all about. This angers me because I've had plenty of hardships in my life, bereavements, rape, family addiction, mental ill health all sorts of things that I just don't broadcast but they are all separate to this and irrelevant to it right now and I don't want to have that feeling that I need to justify feeling rubbish right now. I am well able to go into work and get on and do things, I would stay home otherwise, but this is compromising my ability to do that.

I have spent so much time talking to this woman over the years about her domestic issues, too. Her other kids, her husband etc. I have never said anything about me at work before, I am a very private person. I am shocked this happened to her, it is the most horrendous thing imaginable, but I wish I could have found out differently.

Firstly I am sorry that you are having such a tough time of it and hope things calm down. But agree with others- however tragic the loss of her son doesn't mean your concerns aren't valid. I second the option of getting your line manager to talk to her- given how difficult you are finding things I dont think it is a conversation you should have and it may come better from someone outside the situation.

Oh you poor thing! Have you got a colleague you could confide in about this,that basically her comments etc are so upsetting?
If not,I think the very next time I would reply that losing her child was a horrific thing to happen but it doesn't give her the right to say this torrent of hurtful shit to you. You could always say 'are you trying to be as malicious as you sound or are you profoundly stupid?'
Congratulations on your pregnancy,hope it all goes ok for you.

OP maybe instead of saying 'I'd rather we didn't talk about it' which makes it sound (rightly but still) as though it is your problem with her, maybe you could say,

'I know it's silly, but I'm quite anxious about this and so I'm putting it out of my mind right now, I'd rather not talk about it if you don't mind'.

That way it's not confrontational at all. Also that is the sort of thing you can repeat ad nauseam without being rude, i.e.,

Her:
You: Yes, I'm jsut trying to put pregnancy out of mind right now, so don't want to talk about it
Her:
You: Hmm yes, I'm just trying to forget about it for now

Etc

And yes, turn off your phone when going to scans

Good luck :)

Thanks. I will definitely take a firm but breezy, "nah, not going there" approach for now and see where that gets us. I think I will manage for as long as I am still pregnant because I can put that first, but heaven forbid this all ends well, I will find it really hard to have her talk about how it doesn't really make much difference/is for the best etc.

all doesn't end well, I mean

Rocks - surely she must still have a line manager at her organisation that you can talk to if this doesn't stop? Or ask one of your other colleagues or the most senior person to tell her to drop it?

I'm 13 weeks pg but had 3 early losses before this and they were horrible, I really couldn't have coped with someone acting like that. I wouldn't even say that "This is silly but it worries me", because you're not being silly at all and she needs to stop playing top trumps with losses. Potentially having an ectopic - and it sounds like you're not but for all you knew you could have been at the time - is not a minor thing at all.

I'd put as much distance between you as possible. It sounds like she's going to be a pain in the bum even if things do go well (and I have everything crossed that it does) and will spend the whole time going on about stillbirths, and you won't want to deal with her if it doesn't. You could just avoid talking to her apart from work related things and draw back from her as much as you can? Tbh I don't know why you'd want to speak to her after this anyway!

She does, but it would be MASSIVE politically to go to her line manager, as there are cross-organisation politics at work too.. And as she is on caution at the moment for bullying junior members of the wider team (there were nine complaints from the level below us made last year about her) this would be a hot potato. She is a bit abrasive as a person, I suppose.. I felt some of the bullying charges were a bit trumped up, but on the other hand I do think she finds it so difficult to be sympathetic to people that she puts herself in this position. I don't believe it's intentional/bullying really, but you can see why it would happen. It's not confined to this issue the more I think about it.

You're right though, it will change any potential even work-a-day friendliness between us particularly if this doesn't stop NOW.

just lose it with her and tell her to shut the fuck up
I am so angry on your behalf

What a lovely kind person you are to listen to this woman's woes when you had so much going on yourself. I'm guessing that she has held an ocean of sadness and bitterness back for years and you are one of the few people to actually listen to her and let her talk about her troubles. You have done a very good thing and you have done enough. Now it's time to look after yourself.

Perhaps you could say something like "I feel really sad for you that you lost your son but that doesn't make my suffering any less significant for me. I really enjoyed our chats about him and I was glad I could help you but you are not helping me with your comments about stillbirths and your refusal to acknowledge my pain in the way that I acknowledged yours. Can we keep all our conversation to work stuff from now on please." I think she needs to open her eyes to how cruel she's been to you when you've shown her such kindness.

I think revolting speaks good sense OP - I think you need to start being a bit snippy.

I have been where you are now and the uncertainty is awful x

wither speaks good sense too though

Sorry op but 9 people complaining about bullying is not trumped up, a misunderstanding or someone being oversensitive. Particularly if it has resulted in a warning. This woman is a bully and is now using you as a target. It's not a one off because she had a bad experience with a child, it's part of a long line of incidents where she makes other people feel bad to make herself feel better. Most work bullies back off if you complain about them to their line manager. So from what you have said now I think you should go to her line manager. They'll take you seriously as there are other incidents and you have evidence if she's been texting you about work and pregnancy issues when you're at a medical appointment. Again, look after yourself.