To dread going into work at the moment, and not know what the hell to do?

[rocksandhardplaces]

I am really unsure about this and posting here for the hard answers. I am 11 weeks pregnant and threatening miscarriage, basically, since week 5. Bleeding, pain etc.. they thought it was ectopic at one point because of how I was presenting.

Anyway, I first found out things were awry six weeks ago and stupidly went to work after the scan. I walked in after my appointment and a colleague started telling me about her bad morning and I just couldn't help myself, I burst into tears. I work on a small team of women (five) and we work very closely together all day, and I consider that I am very friendly with my colleagues if we are not "friends". I have certainly been there to talk them through their marital woes etc, among other things.. but anyway, I didn't get such a great reception from one colleague in particular.

As well as "What are you crying for, you're still pregnant if they haven't given you a d and c?" and "I had one at 12 weeks, this happens to most women, there's no point crying at 5 weeks it's barely a missed period, you have a child already, at least you know you can get pregnant", "better now than later in the pregnancy" (!!!), she was clearly very scornful that I was upset, sort of eye rolling about it.

Anyway, it emerged later in the day that she had lost a baby to SIDS at 3 months. Her child would be in his twenties now.

I do understand how it must have seemed silly to her that I was upset over something so early with this context, but I wasn't trying to be offensive and I hadn't planned to be upset or I wouldn't have gone to work. In my head I was being very "oh it's one of those things" about it, but of course, you have the hormonal element when you are pregnant and it was a shock to me and it was just stupid to put myself in the situation of talking about it like that. After she told me about her son, we ended up talking for hours about her little boy, and I was so sad for her and I do not in any way think they are the same thing, not even one tiny bit

BUT

I am feeling really fragile and this colleague continues to make these comments about how if it doesn't work out I can have another blah blah blah and when I had to take a day off this week to go to A and E as basically had another massive bleed, she was messaging me about work stuff in between. At one point when she made a comment about how she hoped "it would be all over soon so I could refocus on work", I said: "look, I know that this is getting in the way of work at the moment but it's just because I don't know what's going on and it might be better if we talked less about it, because there's nothing I can do either way". This was followed up by several stories of women she knew who had threatened miscarriages who went on to have stillbirths and how this proved there was no guarantee so there was "no point worrying"... erm, yeah, but those stories really don't help me.

I feel so conflicted because I can see it from her point of view in one sense, but I have had to take on this really forced jolliness about things and endure all of this talk when to be honest, I am feeling really crap at the moment and I don't know what the hell is happening with me. I really don't want to have to be off work because even though it is hard to go in and out because of complications, I find if I am sitting at home I just feel totally down about things and can't stop thinking about it.

How do I get her to stop talking about this? I wish to GOD I had never said anything, I never meant to.. I just wish I could take it back and deal with this on my own without the constant running commentary. It is hard because I can see that it is caused by what she went through, and that she really thinks she is being helpful (and I am being a bit young and silly) but the bottom line is I am pregnant right now and I don't want to talk about it as a miscarriage/stillbirth etc.

AIBU? AIB a totally fucking U cow who just should suck it up? Part of me thinks so, part of me feels sorry for myself. Need opinions fast.

I can understand you not wanting to get her into trouble. But - and this is a big but - it's NOT okay for her to continually upset you either with no consequences and she needs to realise that pronto. You're having a horrendous time and hospital appointments are going to have an impact on your work, but there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. On the other hand, she should be perfectly able to keep her comments within a professional and acceptable level. If there have already been complaints before then she should be aware that her behaviour can be construed as bullying or offensive, even if she doesn't meant it to be.

You could try getting her to leave off a bit longer, but at the very least, take a note of what she's been saying to you and when, and any requests that you've made for her to drop it. If it carries on, then don't feel guilty in the slightest about reporting her.

Dealing with asshole colleagues shouldn't be neccessary - I was bleeding in this pg at 6 weeks and told my two bosses, who could not have been nicer about giving me time off and arranging cover.

I could happily smack her in the chops for you!

Op, exactly the same thing happened to me three years ago when I was pregnant with my now ds. I felt for her at the beginning as she had had a stillbirth, but she was relentless in her nastiness and piled more and more work on me, eventually at five months I was signed off by the doctor, and I never went back, so I didn't handle it well!

I was told not long ago that she was like this to me as I had got pregnant in my late thirties, we were the same age, and I think I was the last person she thought would get pregnant, apparently she had wanted another but yer DH wouldn't let it happen. As much as I feel so so sorry for her I can never forgive her for what she put me through, am just about to re start working again now three years on, her bullying had that much of an effect on me.

Please go and speak to her line manager, whatever her circumstances she cannot take it out on you, and I hope all carries on well with your pregnancy x

she is being VU and massively insensitive. Hope things improve for you x

Interesting ? I was reading early posts and planning on saying 'She's bullying you' and then I read that she's on caution for bullying multiple people ... Find out your firm's bullying policy, who you should talk to about it and what should happen next, and then follow whatever the procedure is. Fuck the politics; that's not your problem. Write down everything she says to you, with times, dates, locations and details of anyone else who's there. It is just not acceptable to bully people and that is what she's doing. Sorry, that's stating the obvious but I feel it needed to be said in black and white. Also, although I sympathise with her terrible experience, it has nothing to do with you and your health. I wouldn't dream of belittling or haranguing a colleague about any aspect of their health, whatever relation it might bear to my life or even if I didn't understand its severity or the impact it was having on them; it is simply not for other people to judge.

In the short term, I agree with the 'polite shutdown' approach e.g. 'I find this too upsetting to talk about so I'd prefer you not to mention it', repeated ad infinitum if necessary. But DON'T say 'I know this is silly'. It isn't.

Sorry if this sounds hardline but I cannot bear mental games or bullying. Please seek support through the appropriate channels at work, and good luck.

SIBU - I agree with the people who have said report to line manager. She is being really nasty and you shouldn't have to put up wiht it. I think the 9 complaints say a lot about her.

She's envious of your pregnancy, bitter about losing her own child, and determined to make you feel as shitty as she did when her own baby died. She may not even realise she's doing it, but her envy is hell-bent on destroying any happiness you might have: if she couldn't have it, then neither will anyone else.

I think you have two choices: challenge the poisonous bitch directly (lots of bullies will shrivel to nothing if someone tells them point-blank not to speak to them like that) or report to management.

Oh dear dear me

Look I really feel for you, and I agree that staying working for you is good as it gives you some focus

revolting has some wise advice

you must get her to shut the fuck up somehow, but geing the bigger better woman you cant tell her this!!!!!

Turn around, look her in eye and say "I dont want to discuss this please, I find it upsetting, and it must be for you too"

repeat, repeat, repeat

then if she continues you can say "I have said XXX times I dont want to dsicuss this anympore. whats going on|?"

good luck xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Yeah, I know in my heart you are right, it is not right nor normal to belittle someone else on the basis of their health complaints and taking a step back from it, I think of how my line manager (who has battled cancer) has managed this, and really, it's not that different for her, my concerns while stressful for me, are not quite the same as going through chemo etc. I know that when you lose a child it is a lifelong thing, but it is not necessary for her to bring that to bear openly in the office at this point in time and not in the way that she is doing it.

I thought we got on really, really well. I suppose that's why I always thought the bullying charges were a bit OTT because she and I have had a very good relationship etc, over many years. I suppose this has triggered something in her but it's not my job to be her psychological scratching post. I will keep a record and I will be straight about it if it comes up again, I can be firm, I am no wallflower. I think I just needed to know I wasn't being wildly unreasonable.

You know, what I would say is 'You loved your baby and I love mine. The two are just not linked, at all, to each other'

I have to deal with a woman who (i) doesn't like me and (ii) lost her son at 4MO. She hates the fact I have a son. That, I can deal with. She hates my son... that I can't. So, while I appreciate and understand her pain (or at least respect it. I don't think you can understand losing a child unless you have been through it), my son and I are not responsible.

The fact that she lost a child is very very sad, and is obviously going to colour her judgement but it doesn't negate the fact that you care about your baby now.

She lost her child and, you know, I don't think it matters how long ago it was, but that is simply not linked with your pregnancy and your child now.

I hope your PG goes smoothly.

it's not my job to be her psychological scratching post

That. In a nutshell. Good luck, OP