If you are/have been no contact with a close family member...

[whathappensthen]

...and they die...then what?

I have no contact with my father. For very good reason. I'd be shocked to find a person who'd dispute that if they knew. Even now, I remain utterly terrified of the man and the mere thought of having contact with him makes me physically ill.

It is rumoured that he is unwell. A few extended family members have asked if I intend on speaking to him, which I most certainly do not.

No one beyond our immediate family know why we all do not have contact with him, and I certainly don't have any intention of explaining it.

When I've responded that I definitely will not be in contact with him (and have gone to great expense and effort to ensure that he does not know where I live now, so he won't be contacting me), these people have all told me how I'll regret it once he is gone.

AIBU to think I won't be sorry?

It happened to me. My dad died, no-one told us (I was 15) and so I didn't find out until after the funeral. I hated him, but to be deprived of that was hideous.
Not much more I can say on it really.

I'm sorry Loopy.

And I'm sorry that you were given no choice in the matter.

I wonder what you'd have done if you'd have known in advance? Feel free to ignore if that's too personal.

whathappensthen You have made up your mind to not see/contact him and that is a conscious decision to protect yourself (emotionally/physically)

Be prepared to possibly have a huge flood of emotion when he does pass away - a mixture of relief and grief maybe, but sorry for not seeing him? No I don't think so from your post.

Sad to hear that Loopy.

You know that he is unwell and you feel no pangs. You won't regret not seeing because you sound so sure that you don't want to.

I'm so sorry that you are in this situation xxx

I had no contact with my father for years. There was nothing sinister about it. He and my mother separated and my father decided that he would have nothing further to do with his children. Many years of turbulence followed and when it came time for him to die I did not contact him. Many people/his family looked askance at me.
I was finally able to mourn a lost part of my childhood, the father I never had and the dream of having one who would love me. I NEVER regretted not seeing him. I DID bury him. And when I saw that coffin go in the ground I knew that for the first time since he left I would be free of HIS legacy.
It has been the biggest relief in my life.
To you OP - whatever you decide to do do it only for yourself. You are allowed that. And I am delighted for you that your father is dying!! ( I never thought I would write such a thing).
Good luck to you and your future.

I am not in contact with mine, for very valid reasons which I don't always want to share with those who ask.
You are under no obligation, regardless of other people's opinions so continue to do what is right for you.

I think I'd like to know if mine was dead (hopefully via a slow painful method) but I wouldn't seek them out. They are not worthy of my attention.

My brother has been out of contact with the family for years. We contacted him when my mum died, he replied with a vitriolic letter. We contacted him when my dad died, there was no response.
Throughout my life he brought tension, anxiety and ill will into my family. Things have been much happier since his absence. I have no wish to ever see him again and am confident I will never regret not seeing him. He used up all my reserves of goodwill and support many years ago.

I have sent you a private message

YANBU

I had a collegue who was very close to his grandparents (they half raised him) and when they were in hospital sick he refused to go in. Everyone told him that he would regret it and all that. He didn't because that was the right choice for him, and I suspect it will be the same for you.

Sounds like people who don't know assume that you can make it up on his death bed or whatever. Ignore them, if you don't think you need to see him then you don't.

You will probably feel a little sadness but more for the father you never had rather than the one that has just died.

My dad actually turned up on my doorstep last week after not seeing him for 20years. (I am now 28) When I was 2 my mum left him as he beat her up when she was 6month pregnant and he had been truly horrid to her prior to that. When me and my brother used to go visit him he would never be out of bed. We had to thrown stones at his window so as to wake him up. Then the day consisted of us sat watching a video whilst he drank in the kitchen and the only place he ever took us was the off licence, so he could buy more lager and rum.

Well last week I was so angry with him turning up as he had no right to find my address. And to make things worse he didn't even have anything to say apart from he said my mum has mental issues and everyone he knows thinks it. After I defended my mum he then started on about how dissapointed he is that I have turned out like my mum.

After I got over the initial shock of seeing him, and quickly getting rid of him, I realised that I don't care about what happens to him at all. In life there are just some lowlifes and unfortunately some of them go on to be parents. I know this sounds awful but it just wouldn't bother me if my dad dies tommorrow as he put my mum through such hell.

whathappensthen

I was in a very similar situation. I had not spoken to my Mum for years for very good reasons. I choose not to remain in contact with her to protect myself and my DS emotionally (althoguh sadly far too late in my case). Some of my close family understand my reasons, some don't.

Other outside the family simply cannot comprehend why I would not be in contact with my mother.

Recently she became ill (this was drawn out and emotionally charged and information was manipulated in the usual way typical of her behaviour even on her death bed).

Others outside my family kept telling me how I should be feeling and expecting me to be devasted and rushing to her bedside.

I did no such thing. I know how I felt and I felt that way for good reason.

She died in September and I did not go to see her or contact her beforehand.

I do not regret it in any way. I am not sorry.

The thing that I found hard was other peoples expectations. If others would only BUTT OUT as they simply do not understand the sitution then it woudl have been much easier for me to cope with.

The only regret I have is that I did not have the courage to tell others to butt out!

you know how you feel and my advice would be not to let others influence you. It will be hard, but not for the reasons people assume

yanbu... i have no contact with my older brother and never wish to see him again... i really don't think i'd be sad if he died tbh.

YANBU

I hope you can find the strength to be at peace with your decision. It will be tough - others will judge where they have no right to judge. But you need to do what is right for you.

I don't have contact with my parents either. I know my siblings would be horrified if I don't make contact before our parents die but I said goodbye to both of them a long time ago. I have grieved for the parents I didn't have, the childhood that never was. I don't need to say my goodbyes again.

I'm sorry so many have been through similar.

I am ashamed to say it but I think I will only feel relief, though I may grieve for what I didn't have. I guess no one really knows how they will feel until they experience it. Helps to hear others' experiences.

I didnt speak or have contact with my dad for over 20 years. He was just toxic and my life and my mental health were and are much better for him not being around. I made that deciion when i was 14 and never regretted it.

About 10 years ago my sister (from my dads first marriage) contact me to tell me that they were putting him in a home as he had been diagnosed with alzhimers and could no longer care for himself. THe woman that he had abandoned our family for all those years ago had divorced him, taken most of his money and left him to rot.

My sister organised his care. I know that her and my other siblings felt i should come and see him. I didnt. I was glad he was being taken care of but felt no need to get involved myself.

About 5 years ago my sister rang me to tell me he had died. I had left the country by then and was living in the UK. The family wanted me to come home for the funeral. i had no intention of doing so.

I didnt go to work the day i found out. I was quite suprised by how upset i was but not in the way i thought i would be. I was mourning what might have been, what should have been. The little girl in me was mourning her dad, how he used to be but could never be again. Not sure that makes sense. it is a difficult concept to explain i think. It was not that he was gone becuase he had been gone for over 20 years, it was that he would now never come bursting through the doors hug me and tell me what a blindingly stupid selfish arse of a man he had been for all this time and offer to take me fishing like we used to do when i was 7. He could never now make it all alright.

By the next day i felt "normal" again. I went to work. life went on as it always had. I sent flowers to the funeral more for my siblings sake than anyone elses. On the card i wrote "to the father who was never there from the daughter you never knew. I hope we can both find some peace". My sister got really upset at that but then her relationship with our father was vastly different to my own so it wouldnt necessarily make sense to her. My comments were valid though in the context of my relationship with my dad.

I dont regret not reestablishing contact with him when he was alive. He was the person he was and that person seemed to be incompatable with my person. Just becuase he got sick did not alter his fundamental self.

Hope that helps OP.

whathappensthen - so happy you started this thread, I've been wondering the same thing!

I have a generally awful family and have contact with very few relatives (and try to limit the contact I have with the rest).

My maternal grandmother was an evil old cow who threatened me with a knife (for changing the tv channel) when I was 10. I ran away and when my parents found me they punished me for having been rude to her. She did all manner of other dreadful, unforgivable things and my parents allowed it. After the knife incident I refused to have anything to do with her and would leave the house before she arrived (which meant I arrived at primary school alone before 8am every morning and none of my teachers thought this odd). When she finally died I didn't attend the funeral or mourn her at all. My mother was angry at me for this, which just reinforced the pattern of dysfunctional family relations further.

I had to go and find my uncle (who I don't know because he chose to become estranged from his awful mother when I was a baby) and tell him. I found his workplace and left a message, but he didn't go to the funeral either. I think my mum was angry about that, but I can fully understand his decision. My mum would be a lot less toxic if she'd decided to follow his example and cut her mother out of her life as a young adult.

I am now estranged from my own father (for good reasons, and largely because I didn't want to repeat family history with DS1) but still in contact with my mother (although I try to minimise that and I remain quite detached from it). I wouldn't attend his funeral, but I can imagine that I'd feel very weird and might mourn the passing of what could have and should have been (or feel some release, who knows). I wouldn't mourn him, as he is not part of my life and hasn't been for a very long time.

YANBU. You need to make the decisions that are right for you.

my dad died. I was told and had the opportunity to go to his funeral. I did not go, i do not regret it. I do not feel sad that I 'missed' the chance to speak to him before he died as I did not miss it, I made an active decision to not have him my life, for the reasons I chose. Why would that change because he was dying? had I known he was dying it would have changed nothing.

If you feel this is certainly what you want then you won't regret it. You will only regret it if secretly you would actually like to make contact. What you would you achieve by seeing him that you would regret if you did not do? I can't see there would be anything you could possibly gain that you would feel regret about not gaining.

My mum doesnt speak to her aunt (or to be accurate, grandmother... think kat and zoe...)

She says that when she dies, she is going to the funeral no matter what, "to make sure that witch is really dead"...

I haven't seen my Father for a long time either and like you, have gone to great pains to make sure he doesn't know where we live or what my name is now I'm married. He has never and will never see my children.

Obviously I can't be sure but I cannot imagine wanting to go and see him if he were dying.

I had a LOT of councelling before I cut him off totally and was sure at the time that it was the best thing for me - it still is. Seeing him wouldn't change anything

Likewise I don't see may father. When my mother died, he turned his back on us and we have had no relationship since.
I know that pain that family can cause and you have to do what is right for you. Sod everyone else. Their opinions should not lead you to putting yourself at risk.

meh, let him die. then spit on his grave if you feel so inclined
really, some people are BAD and dont deserve anything

yanbu OP

Sorry, I was rushing to get out for the school run. What I meant was 'him dying wouldn't change anything'

My Mum tried for years to get me to give him one last chance and I found it really hard to finally say enough is enough and cut him off but doing so probably saved my life as I was so depressed I tried taking it. Someone dying doesn't automatically grant them an extra chance - especially when they'd probably use it to cause you pain.

Anyway, I did my grieving a long time ago. No need to do it again.

I have no contact with my bro and only way I would go to his funeral is to make sure he is dead.