If you are/have been no contact with a close family member...

[whathappensthen]

...and they die...then what?

I have no contact with my father. For very good reason. I'd be shocked to find a person who'd dispute that if they knew. Even now, I remain utterly terrified of the man and the mere thought of having contact with him makes me physically ill.

It is rumoured that he is unwell. A few extended family members have asked if I intend on speaking to him, which I most certainly do not.

No one beyond our immediate family know why we all do not have contact with him, and I certainly don't have any intention of explaining it.

When I've responded that I definitely will not be in contact with him (and have gone to great expense and effort to ensure that he does not know where I live now, so he won't be contacting me), these people have all told me how I'll regret it once he is gone.

AIBU to think I won't be sorry?

I have no contact with my mother and will not ever. I wouldnt go to her funeral in fact i probably wouldnt know if she had died, to be honest i have no interest. lots of people think its very strange how you couldnt speak to your own mother. I removed my self from the emotional side of it a long time ago i wouldnt regret it at all.

I am the oldest of three , my father died over 30yrs ago, I took the day off work and sayed at home and did my house work, never went near the funeral nor have I ever missed him, both my brothers went to his funeral as did my mum, their choice but it was no big deal to me, I hadn't seen him in 15yrs.

I am not in contact with my older brother. If he died I would go to the funeral but only to support my mother and to be honest I can't imagine I would feel anything apart from relief that we could all finally draw a line and get on with our lives knowing that he can't cause anymore pain and heart ache.

I sometime wonder if I should feel bad about not seeing him but I reason that if he was just a random person I knew I would run as far away from the bastard as possible and not think twice about it so why should I be expected to be civil to him just because of some awful twist of genetics.

In the end this is your choice and it is nobody else's business who you choose to see or not see. You must do what is right for you.

Good point Pavlov, and yes, it is what I feel with certainty - I definitely have no secret desire to make contact. The very thought makes me dizzy and my stomach feels like I'll be sick. My heart races and I feel nothing but fear, even though I know it's just a thought.

It is sad that so many of you have been through similar, but also somehow comforting (sorry if that is a terrible thing to say) that other people have been through this and are ok with it. I don't know anyone irl who has no contact with a parent or close family member, and the few times I've tried to talk to people about it they look at me as though I have three heads.

What is right for me, is to never see the man again regardless of the circumstances. The day I made the decision years ago to stop dealing with him was a huge turning point for my own mental health.

I do sort of wish though, that people irl would have a bit of respect for my choices. Even if they don't know the reasons why, wouldn't one assume that if a child cuts contact with a parent that there must be a fairly significant reason behind it? Not looking forward to answering the "Why not?" questions as I'm not about to tell people the background. But I guess that's a whole other thread!

Given what you have said, it doesn't sound like you will be sorry and if you are frightened of him and would hate to see him, then I think that tells you all you need to know?

I feel out with my dad (who was a PITA for much of my life) and he died 6 weeks later (suddenly) without us reconciling and it was totally awful. But your situation sounds different as do many of the other posters' so all I can say really is stick with how you feel.

All the best.

Perhaps if you want to deal with the family members asking why not you could just say something along the lines of "I have very good reasons for wanting to keep my distance but I'm afraid I find them too upsetting to talk about. Please could you just respect my decision."

If anyone keeps pushing after that just keep repeating "I don't want to discuss it any further" and "I appreciate your concern but this is the right decision for me."

Nobody should be pushing you to see him if you don't want to.

If you feel you have nothing to gain, no questions to ask, no goodbyes to say, there really is no point in upsetting yourself just to please other people.

its hard,my bro i havent seen for nearly 2 yrs now and no contact at all for over 16months,im not sure what i would do,still hurts he cut us all off and still not knowing why.

I think people with decent families find it difficult to understand why you would want (and need) to cut out a close family member. It's hard to appreciate quite how dysfunctional and damaging some relationships can be when you've only experienced he ordinary irritations of ordinary family life.

Ddubsgirl: i think it must be very different when you're the one who's cut off, rather than the one breaking contact. It may not be anything to do with you specifically, but rather that your brother has to cut contact entirely to avoid a difficuly and damaging relationship with one family member. I had to cut contact with everyone on my dad's side of my family because otherwise I'd never be free of him. I liked many of them, but I had to do what was best for me and my kids.

im not sure he also cut off other friends too as thier daughter had a baby and he didnt like it :( we had no probs before that i just didnt play for him,hes always been an attention seeker and i didnt play into all his posts on fb etc he didnt like that(i guess) familys suck at times they really do :( i havent spoken to our step family for years last time i saw the witch my ds2 was a few months old and all she did was moan about for we could afford to on holiday!(bumped into each other in travel agents) errr both dh & i were working was 1st hol we ever had together lol

I have a brother who has managed to ostracise himself from a good 70% of the family. He refuses to deal with issues, talk rationally with any of us and is adamant that we are all responsible for all his misfortunes, not himself. So most of us have stepped back and have nothing to do with him. It's sad, but I have little time in my life for such a person. I have friends I would mourn more deeply and readily than him.

Muriel, I agree, and it's not a hard decision for me to make, tbh. But after being told quite a few times that I'd be sorry afterwards...well, even though I don't think I will...sometimes AIBU has some amazing insight to give.

Years ago when I was coping with his crap, I came on here and some of the posts gave me some tremendous clarity. The same thing is happening now, reading others' experiences.

Sorry to hear you're on the receiving end of that ddubsgirl. Sounds quite different as there could be no mistaking why I don't speak to my father, but must be really hard if you don't know. Like Damsel said, it's probably nothing to do with you directly if he has cut out so many others as well. Maybe an avoidance of a whole situation or just one family member?

Interesting Altinkum, never thought of it that way at all.

Yes I'd like him to know how he has affected my life and the influence he's had on it - but have always assumed that he knows this (as he'd have to be a bit of an idiot not to realize it has tormented me, and he's far from an idiot).

But in reality, if I was to tell him that directly (if I could manage to actually speak), he would laugh. He would think that that is both hilarious and rewarding at the same time. Not a doubt in my mind.

Can I ask, why do you say that means I need to tell him?