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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No routine at 5 months

38 replies

SusieCoo · 10/11/2011 16:47

I am due to go back to work in 4 weeks when my baby will be 6m. He is my third child and will be going to the same childminder as my other children. He is currently exclusively bf on demand, he falls asleep on me after feeding sometimes and also drops off in the buggy and car. As a result we don't have a set routine. My childminder is due to start having him for a couple of mornings a week from next week. I am starting to get really irritated by the fact that she keeps asking me about whether I've got a routine yet and sadly mentions all the time that as i haven't got one it will be difficult (cue loud sigh). She even called me laissez faire once which I really am not, I just don't see the point of forcing a routine when it will all change when I go back to work anyway. AIBU?

OP posts:

StrandedBear · 10/11/2011 16:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkdelight · 10/11/2011 16:54

I remember this. I had an ad hoc nanny who asked me what ds2 (who was a similar age to yours) did in a morning and I literally couldn't answer her. Despite having had a good routine with Ds1, I just hadn't bothered and had got into the whole feeding to sleep thing with Ds2. But my inability to answer that nanny made me see, it's pretty tricky for other people just to go with the flow and risk ending up with a grumpy/hungry/tired baby, especially a CM who has others to look after (Ds2 was also due to go to a CM a couple of months later). So I started getting him into a routine, and you know what? It was great. Loads better for me, for him, and for whoever else was taking care of him. So I feel your indignation, but still have to say - YABU. As was I.

ShoutyHamster · 10/11/2011 17:01

Woah, she's getting a bit oversteppy, eh?

Perhaps time for a rather tight smile next time she mentions it and a 'I'm quite happy with my decisions re. DS thanks. After three, I think it's definitely a case of knowing what's important and what's not, eh?'

And if she mentions how difficult it will be again:

'Really? Do you find you use a routine as a crutch, so to speak? That surprises me actually. But I've always thought it very important to be responsive.'

Passive aggressive, moi? :) She certainly sounds so. Oh and calling you laissez faire?! - now that one calls for the Old Classic...

'That sounded rude/inappropriate... did you mean it to?'

notcitrus · 10/11/2011 17:05

YANBU. Ds had no routine at all until over a year. He started nursery at 11 months and they asked if I wanted them to try to get him into one. I said I suspected that he would simply refuse to feed or sleep when he didn't want so not to stress, and they said they'd play it by ear, but don't worry, he would get food saved for him if he slept through meals.

After a month they agreed it was impossible to get him to sleep, wake, or eat when he didn't want, but had observed some general patterns. They loved him.
Yes, he was unpredictable, but easy to manage. Looks sleepy - put in pushchair/cot, he falls asleep. Hungry - feed him. Rest of time - happy child.

Your baby may differ, of course. :)

blackoutthesun · 10/11/2011 18:28

my 9 month old dd wouldn't know what a rountine was even if it smacked her on the arse

every few days she likes to change the rules, hasn't done her any harm

valiumredhead · 10/11/2011 18:39

Perhaps she is just asking so she can make the transition as easy as possible for your ds?

callmemrs · 10/11/2011 18:48

YANBU - You will fall into a routine of sorts anyway when you return to work. Your baby will be amazingly adaptable which will work to your (and his ) advantage.

ChocolateBiscuitCake · 10/11/2011 19:12

I could not agree with Pinkdelight more - YABVU.

If you choose not to have a routine, that is fine and up to you. But if your DS currently is exclusively bf on demand, falls asleep on you after feeding sometimes and also drops off in the buggy and car, how on earth can you expect a CM to maintain this level of care whilst looking after other children?

HandMini · 10/11/2011 19:17

YAB really U. For you, it's all instinctive and go with the flow because you're her mother, and it's easy to be like that as a mother. For the CM, it's a job, and she has to manage her day taking into account a lot more factors (and probably children) than just your baby. However, if it's the CM's concern and not yours, why don't you ask the CM what routine she's thimking about, and then consider whether you will start to transition your baby to those sort of nap times/feed times in the few weeks before you go back to work.

coraltoes · 10/11/2011 19:29

How in gods name is the poor CM meant to know what your baby wants and when height want it?! Is there not even a pattern to when he wants to eat? Cold you not jot it down and see whether a pattern emerges? You risk your DS being very upset from going from a very intuitive mother who bfs him to sleep to a totally afford CM who won't have the time to feed to sleep if she has other charges!

I totally understand your attitude if YOU are to remain the full time carer, as clearly you do not mind the variability. but you cannot expect someone else to put your son into a routine, which she will have to do to be able to WORK!! Rminds me of those parents who expect teachers to do all the hard parenting.

The most selfish part is the one who will be most upset is your little boy! Do you not think it will confuse the fuck out of him?!

coraltoes · 10/11/2011 19:30

Fucking predictive text has turned a lot of that into gobbledegook.sorry.

You are still being V U

squeakytoy · 10/11/2011 19:32

If a baby is about to go to a childminder, then unless the CM is going to BF, your child is going to have a big shock to his system... sounds to me like you should be establishing some sort of routine..

Towndon · 10/11/2011 19:37

YANBU. Find a different childminder who is happier to be flexible.

ChocolateBiscuitCake · 10/11/2011 19:44

Towndon how would you propose a CM could be flexible and accommodate a 6mo baby in no routine as detailed above? This is not a one-2-one nanny but a woman who has other children to care for.

callmemrs · 10/11/2011 19:52

This is the OPs 3rd child, the baby is going to the same cm as her others, so presumably she has been there, done that and got the T shirt!

I expect her child will adapt fine

ChocolateBiscuitCake · 10/11/2011 19:53

But why should the CM have to do the 'hard work'?

Bloody selfish (on child and CM!)!

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 10/11/2011 19:55

The point clearly isn't whether routines are good or bad, but how someone who isn't the child's parent is supposed to care for the child in the least stressful way for that child, and yes, for her. And if you don't think her stress levels are important, well, why would you want the person looking after your baby - when your baby is in a brand new environment with a brand new person - to be stressed?

How do you propose she effectively cares for your child, and presumably others as well on a day-to-day basis? How do you feel about your baby not being able to self-settle very well when you're not there?

I'm a breastfeeder (still feeding 15MO DD), so I understand why this is important to you, but you have to think about the bigger picture a bit here.

Surely you want to make this transition as seamless as possible for everyone, especially your baby.

Original poster

SusieCoo · 10/11/2011 19:56

I assumed, maybe wrongly, that if I told her he has to sleep and eat at certain times that would cause more issues. My other 2 went to nursery at this stage and just ended up falling into the routine they had set up. I'm not making excuses but he hasn't had an easy time so far with some health issues which have meant that exclusive bf has been the only option. I would have weaned by now I think otherwise and presumably have established some routine that way. Obviously when he goes there it will mean he has formula and it will become easier to see what pattern establishes. He has month of settling in so hopefully not too confusing for him.

OP posts:

StrandedBear · 10/11/2011 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Coldcuppacoffee · 10/11/2011 19:57

Similar position at 9 months and not established in a routine. I was also doing baby led weaning with a childminder who measured well being based on food ingested!

With the routine, I told her that she needed to find something that suited her. If other kids slept at a certain time, I was happy for him to go down if she wanted the battle. This was four days per week, on the other three, we did it my way. It seemed to work.

Iggly · 10/11/2011 20:01

YABU

A nursery will have several babies of a similar age and require a bit more routine so can slot in. However the CM won't - so needs an idea of some structure instead of having to make one up. You could have a think - I'm sure there's a bit of a pattern. Plus a bit of routine might make it easier for your LO to settle in so he has some stability on transition.

ChocolateBiscuitCake · 10/11/2011 20:03

StrandedBear Feeding on demand is one thing but taking them for a walk/in the car to sleep in ridiculous and not possible for a CM. Neither should she have to lie the baby on her chest to get him to settle/sleep!

The OP has 4 weeks to start implementing some kind of structure for the CM to follow. She should do some of the hard work, not expect the CM to find her way whilst having to deal with a stressed baby (and caring for other children).

Iggly · 10/11/2011 20:03

By the way I BF DS until 2, no formula as had reflux but still had a routine so when I went back to work when he was 1 it was easier for him and his nanny as she knew what to do when and he knew what to expect.

NinkyNonker · 10/11/2011 20:05

At 5 months very few babies will stick to a routine. The CM will get into her own routine with the baby, I'm sure she's very experienced.

Mishy1234 · 10/11/2011 20:10

I actually think people are being a bit hard on you OP.

He has a month settling in period. He will also be starting on formula at this point? I agree that pattern will emerge over the coming weeks. He will also fit into whatever routine she has with the other children. This would have to happen even if you did already have a routine which was different from the CM's.

I actually think it's easier for a baby with no routine to adapt than for one who does have a routine which doesn't fit in and has to be changed. I think all will slot into place over the next month OP.

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