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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to sleepovers?

59 replies

SouthernandCross · 10/11/2011 14:04

My girls are 9, 8 and 5 and are obsessed by the idea of sleepovers.
The eldest two have been on a couple but I can't bring myself to reciprocate.
I don't even like playdates much and ration them to one each every half term.
There is always so much arguing, the friend inevitably plays with the 'wrong' girl and ends up in the middle of a scrap fuelled by the words 'she's MY friend'.
If they could all play together nicely it would be fine but I spend too much time managing my kids' fights, I can't deal with someone else's children.
DD2 and DD3 share a room and bicker constantly, there is no room for another child and I get little enough sleep as it is.
I've suggested that we wait until next summer and put the tent up in our garden, then invite a friend each then but the girls want to do it NOW.
AIBU?

OP posts:
jubilee10 · 10/11/2011 14:10

YANBU we don't do sleepovers either. Ds's 1 and 2 (16 and 14) have been to a couple of birthday parties and slept over. Ds3 (5.4) has not. We didn't do it (ever) as children and I don't think we missed out.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 10/11/2011 14:10

YANBU but loads of people on here will say YABU! Grin

I also hate playdates and limit them....I also wasn't allowed friends to sleep over until I was about 16 and old enough to cook for and look after my own guests! Never harmed me or my ability to make friends at all. To me, as a child my home was my sanctuary...it was NOT a place for randomers from my class to sleep in.

Cousins or very close family friends are different.

The oldest....maybe she could have 2 friends on her birthday if she has been on some you should reciprocate really! But the others...leave it for a while....

LordOfTheFlies · 10/11/2011 14:16

I've done 1 -very hard work.

DS sleeps in the front room and has a double sofa bed.
When he left junior we had a sleepover for DS and 4 friends. I gave them all airbeds, we had Pizza Hut sent in, toast and cereal for breakfast. And the obligatory sweets/crisps.

But.. my DS and 2 of his mates were up til 3am. He was too excited to sleep!
So I didn't go to bed til 3 am either.

Am planning a sleepover for DS birthday.Never flippin learn

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 10/11/2011 14:18

It's your house and your decision - there really isn't any reasonable or unreasonable about it.

I think kids playing at each others houses is good, it's a good way of developing closer friendships and learning lots of things. The more they do it, the easier they are. I think part of your problem is that because they are so infrequent they are A Big Deal so the girls are more hyped up by them.

I went on lots of sleepovers and had lots of friends sleep over.

I like having kids sleep over and wouldn't stop them going to sleep overs...

I think they are a fun part of growing up.

However, the advantage to being a grown up and having your own house is that you don't have to agree & can make your own mind up Grin

GypsyMoth · 10/11/2011 14:22

Yanbu!!!

Im a mum of 5dc and they are hard work!!

lollilou · 10/11/2011 14:30

They are hard work but my daughter loves them. She has had one friend sleep over lots of times but more girls on her birthday.Just make sure they have snacks drinks and some dvds and take a step back! Oh and my DH takes our DS to the PILS for the night!

Flyonthewindscreen · 10/11/2011 14:59

My DC (7 and 9) have only just started having sleepovers and I have told them they are for birthday/school holiday treats only.

Mainly because they don't sleep and are miserable to have around the next day but also because hosting them means having someone else's children for ages and ages. I'm fine with DC having their friends over and feeding them but its nice to take them home and feel like you have your home back again.

So I can sympathise with you, but if you don't reciprocate, is there a danger that your DD won't get invited to any either and will be out of the social loop? Or can you live with that Grin.

I'm sure there will be some who say YABU tho'. I had a post recently that included telling my DS he couldn't go on a random last minute sleepover (friend called at 7pm) and was taken aback by the posters who thought I was outrageously unfair to him!

IloveJudgeJudy · 10/11/2011 15:10

I think you really should reciprocate if your girls have been to others' houses. If the older two share, can't you move one out for the night so the guest and the inviter share, just for that one night. Perhaps the one without a guest can sleep in the room and the guest and DD can sleep downstairs if you don't have another bedroom?

I think if they had them more frequently it wouldn't be such a big deal and they wouldn't play up. As your two older DDs are so near in age you really have to let the inviter play with her guest without the other one. You need to entertain the other one. Guest and inviter will play together fine ime. You could also have a chat beforehand to detail what you expect.

DoMeDon · 10/11/2011 15:15

YABU- sounds like your DD's would benefit from more social interaction.

lesley33 · 10/11/2011 15:16

Sleepovers with a group of friends can be hard work, but if more frequent really shouldn't be with 1 child. I always found threats of - if you make any noise after 10pm then there will be no more sleepovers for 2 months worked.

My DCs love sleepovers and so did I as a child. No they are not essential, but they do help strengthen friendships.

And you need to be aware that your DCs may stop getting invites if you refuse to reciprocate.

Original poster
SouthernandCross · 10/11/2011 16:01

I can live with the fact that mine won't get invited to go on sleepovers if we don't have them here, I don't think they are an essential childhood experience. But it does worry me that people might invite my children for a sleepover, thinking we are going to reciprocate. I wonder if I should say, yes, DD would love to come but we won't be able to do the same for you... Hmm

There is not enough room for anyone to sleep on floors in anyones room, apart from DS's. He doesn't sleep well if not in his room ( has mild SNs) so I can't really move him out of his room. I suppose we could put them downstairs but then that's the TV out of commission for the evening. I really need a spare wing where I can put all the kids with the nanny, don't I?

Do people really entertain their other children when one of them has a playdate then? I always thought the point was that everyone played nicely together. Gah. Maybe that's what I'm doing wrong. Wink

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 10/11/2011 16:05

YANBU.. I just dont get the obsession with sleepovers. I managed to get to the ripe old age of grown up without ever having sleepovers. We all used to play out, then go home to our own beds.

As for playdates.. I can sort of understand parents "arranging" them with small children, but at 8 and 9, surely children should be out playing with their friends most of the time, without parents having to oversee it all or arrange it.

samwellsbutt · 10/11/2011 16:08

i dont ever have more than one child and they bugger off to play in the room and thats that. i dont see what you would find so difficult about it. but if you dont want to say no and then thats the end of it.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 10/11/2011 16:24

I seem to have aquired two 'extra sons' and a daughter! DS2 regularly sleeps at his Bf and BFs regularly come here, DS1 has a girlfriend who appears regularly for tea and sometimes sleeps over. I am ok with it most of the time as its reciprocal and me and dh can relive our youth on the livivng room sofa if we know they are out for the night Grin but sometimes I just like my house with its intended family in it.

maypole1 · 10/11/2011 16:25

Squeakytoupy would of had agreed with you if if went for the fact some parents are woefully above the standard if you could be sure that other peoples mums had their head glued on

I have heard terrible tales on here of mums who have allowed play-dates and sleep over with out getting to much involved and with talking to much the the others sides parents and the following have happened

A child ended up watching the human centrepead

Another lady's child was left alone with the older brother who had just come out of jail while the mum who was supposed to be in charge went clubbing.which had and the.

Another lady's child was given liquor by the friends dad at a BBQ/Playdate

Also at a party/playdate I clearly remember a thread about a child who was left at the venue on his own because the party had finished and the op was late so they just left the child on their own packed up and left

So you see because others can be careless I think most parents these days have to speak to the parents to establish the evenings events
And to make sure the parents are on the same wave length as you

maypole1 · 10/11/2011 16:26

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes how old are they ?

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 10/11/2011 16:29

15 and 19 so very different from the op I guess

Annpan88 · 10/11/2011 16:30

DS is only too young but I'm planning on sleepovers. This is probably ignorant bit I thought it would be easy. When I had them I just played with my friends and hardly bothered my parents. I thought you'd pop them in the lounge with junk food toys and dvd's and leave them to it?

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 10/11/2011 16:36

Ds2 has had sleepovers from about 9 / 10 possibly younger an at first we did the whole bringing out the spare bed in his room but as he got older it has degenerated into sleeping bags and mattresses on the living room floor so we go up to bed early and watch TV in our room and leave them to it. if its a special ocaision we supply the snacks and pop if they they usually do a raid on the local shop for goodies. it is really easy once the groundrules are sorted out. lights off time / noise levels etc and we always said to other parents we take no responsibility for tired children the day after. less of an issue now as they are older and more sensible.

Bramshott · 10/11/2011 16:37

If one of them is invited on a sleepover, would that be a good opportunity to let the other one have a friend to sleep over at home?

We have had very few sleepovers here, and have a "no sleepovers during school terms" policy!

Perriwinkle · 10/11/2011 16:48

YANBU about not wanting do to sleepovers (they are unnecessary, a bloody pain in the arse and becoming all too commonplace and frequent) but in my opinion YABU about allowing children around to play with your DCs.

Some people seem to naturally assume that if children have siblings that's all they need and they don't need other children to play with because their siblings are ready-made playmates. It doesn't always work like that.

Siblings need time and space away from each other to develop friendships with other children and just have a break. Squabbling and bickering is a sure sign that they're spending too much time in each others pockets.

I'd say let them have friends around to play but make sure the siblings are doing other things. You might say "it's not that easy" but you have to make the effort for their sakes.

My sister used to have friends around when I was young and my mum used to make sure I was never allowed to bother them. She never made her let me join in with them - although I always wanted to. She used to make sure I had something else to do (i.e going out somewhere myself) or if not, she'd see to it that she did something with me or arrange something to amuse me.

ragged · 10/11/2011 16:53

I wonder if I should say, yes, DD would love to come but we won't be able to do the same for you.

I've had people say that and I didn't mind; it's much nicer than having DC wonder if an invite back is a possibility & me not knowing what to say to keep their hopes realistic.
yanbu, One big event next summer sounds sensible, OP.

I thought you'd pop them in the lounge with junk food toys and dvd's and leave them to it?

Please don't, AnnPan! DS had one like that and didn't sleep ALL NiGHT as a result. Nightmare next day when he finally conked out at 12noon, just when another of his friends turned up for a planned afternoon play (sigh). I am strict about making them go to lightsout/sleep on sleepovers.

but at 8 and 9, surely children should be out playing with their friends most of the time

Sort of thing that gets you reported to NSPCC nowadays :(.

valiumredhead · 10/11/2011 16:57

I do them with strict rules!

In bed by 8.30 to read/watch a dvd - lights out at 9 and anyone who is pissing around after 9.30 gets sent home Grin

Sleepover does NOT = tired grumpy children and me tired and snappy the next day because of lack of sleep.

Funnily enough we always have lots of kids wanting to stay over so I can't be that much on ogre Wink

Perriwinkle · 10/11/2011 17:01

Surely the very essence of a sleepover is to stay up late and piss around with your mates? If it wasn't kids wouldn't be remotely interested in them would they?

Surely expecting them to be on their best behaviour and be in bed by 8.30 is setting them up to fail?

How old are these children? 5?

TheFidgetySheep · 10/11/2011 17:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.