To say no to sleepovers?

[SouthernandCross]

My girls are 9, 8 and 5 and are obsessed by the idea of sleepovers.
The eldest two have been on a couple but I can't bring myself to reciprocate.
I don't even like playdates much and ration them to one each every half term.
There is always so much arguing, the friend inevitably plays with the 'wrong' girl and ends up in the middle of a scrap fuelled by the words 'she's MY friend'.
If they could all play together nicely it would be fine but I spend too much time managing my kids' fights, I can't deal with someone else's children.
DD2 and DD3 share a room and bicker constantly, there is no room for another child and I get little enough sleep as it is.
I've suggested that we wait until next summer and put the tent up in our garden, then invite a friend each then but the girls want to do it NOW.
AIBU?

I did them with rules too. In your position I would say

1. one night at a time - see how it goes before committing yourself to any regularly
2. each child invites one child, all on the same night.
3. obv only a Sat or in holidays
4. invitees come at say 4 or 5 pm
5. specify sleeping bags, pillows and towels
6. leave at 10 am next day no later
7. allow chaos re kit etc
8. but very very strict bedtime (i'd be generous and go for 10 pm)
9. no sweets snacks drinks etc after a certain time
10. nothing at all planned for your lot the next day
11. early night the next night
12. all 3 of yours help tidy up Have fun! the kids really do love them and will, soon, be very grateful.

Sometimes when I#m reading MN I wonder if I'm on the same planet as everybody else (don't answer that)

I loved sleepovers! ie my kids having their friends to stay. I did millions, and my kids went to millions. Rules have to be strict though you have to run it like a bootcamp, otherwise you've got bad-tempered comatose kids (and you!) the next day: my greatest threat was that if there was any talking/noise after specified time (i was always generous on that one, otherwise it's not much fun for them is it?), the friend/s would be moved to another room to sleep. The threat always worked and they were zonko at a sensible time =win/win, they got to enjoy themsleves and so did I. (I should add here that I'm evil if I'm woken in the night and my kids knew that and knew it wasn#t worth the aggro). I also made it clear that if there's any squabbling it's off, the kid goes home. I wasn't being horrible, just sensible. (nobody ever did go home).

You've got to like kids though, I suppose, to enjoy a sleepover. The kids love it and I don't think I could say YABU because that's your choice but it's a shame for the kids to miss out. I can't see what#s not to like tbh - your kids are busy, they're having a fab time, which leaves you free, pretty much.

Depends. My dd1 is having one with her best friend tonight. They are 13 and went to nursery together and are currently in her room drooling over One Direction/Justin B on You Tube and watching Glee. Homework all done (in the same classes) and I am having a peaceful glass of wine, having put the toddler to bed. It is bliss :)

DD1 has been on one sleepover (she was the only one invited) and I intend to reciprocate as child in question is lovely. I'll only ever do one child at a time, there'll be late bedtime and some spoiling but otherwise strict rules.

woh, I rarely did a sleepover on a school night though Braw..

Thanks everyone, lots to think about there.
I think I'll be much happier about playdates and sleepovers when they are older and more self sufficient tbh. The two times we've tried sleepovers, we've had one child poo on the floor and the second started crying in the middle of the night.
I think springydaffs has hit the nail on the head tbh. I don't really like kids very much. I love mine of course, but I think I'm a bit scared of everyone else's

I only do sleepovers on a school night s there is minimal time at home for it and they,re out of hte house by 830 the next morning. Plus they cant go to school too late as it is a school night. My daughter is 10 and so far my cunning plan is working pretty well!!

Springy I only have this one friend over during the week. My dd has a double bed and her pal's Mum is a single parent. We both were (actually, I am again ) and we 'shared' our kids for years, so she's like one of the family. Most of the rest of the kids that come and sleep over come on Fri or Sat nights. I think it's great for the kids as they get to spend real time with their friends, but I am a social person with a large circle of friends. I love kids, teenagers and people in general

Hi, this is a hard one to answer. I was never allowed sleepovers when I was a kid and I resented my parents for that. However, you can never be sure who you are leaving your kids with these days . You may think you know the parents; but do you? I now think it wasn't such a bad thing not being able to sleepover at a friends. I now know that my mum and dad were keeping me safe. I still had a good childhood regardless.

I'm a new mum so I've got all this to come yet. I would like to say that I would allow my boy to have friends over but don't think I would be too happy with him staying at a friends. Would want him to be 100% safe as any mother would obviously. I was never allowed sleepovers and now I don't see it as a bad thing. At the end of the day I would like to say that I would rather have my boys friends come to me than the other way round, although it would be alot of hard work of course

As you say, you have all this to come joflo... My dd isn't allowed to stay with families I don't know, but I am always surprised at the families who have never met me allowing their precious kids to stay with me! However, I do work in a field which implies I will let them come to no harm which may help...

perri

Well, we always have a stream of kids wanting to stay over so must be having fun. Quiet after 9.30 means that by 10 they will be asleep which is plenty late enough for the 9/10 year olds that I know. Their mums never mind them coming to stay as they know they won't be so tired it will impact the whole family the next day. When they sleep out in the tent in the garden they have to keep the noise down too as it would disturb the neighbours.

Ds went on a sleepover where he had 2 hours sleep, the parents went to bed and just left the kids to it. He felt so bad the next day we didn't need to discuss him not going again as he didn't ever want to!

It's interesting some of you say you enforce a bedtime. I had assumed sleepovers meant they stay up all night and no one gets any sleep, which is another reason why I'm reluctant.
My kids are hard enough work when they've got a decent night's sleep; when they are sleep deprived, they are verging on feral.
Maybe it's worth a separate post!

Well we are probably going to be the opposite of OP. My son is congnitively ok buthas medical issues and is completely tube fed. He is fed via pump overnight. So when he starts asking for sleepovers they will need to be at our house. Can't expect other kid's parents to learn to work the feeding pump or to get up at 3am to give him medication!!

Sleepovers are fun as long as the kids sleep so they aren't grumpy the next day. We have lots of sleepovers (for fun, but also as a babysitting alternative), so they aren't a big deal, and my kids expect to go to sleep just a little later than usual--exciting, but not exhausting. If you have one friend over with this being understood, it should be easy. If you have a group of kids, sometimes you need to sit in the room or just outside to keep them from disturbing one another as they go to sleep. I read outside the door, gently shushing all chatting, and it only takes 15 minutes or so.
Don't give them lots of sweets; make some popcorn or other non-sugary fun snack and put on a movie.

We do it as a babysitting alternative as well snail, it works well because also in an emergency it's not such a big deal if they are used to sleeping somewhere else.

Kids are 14, 12 and 10. Never have a joint sleepover. Now accept they're not going to go to sleep before I do. It's not just my house, it's my DCs' and I expect them to have respect for it too. All they want is sweets, pop, a DVD and a late night. Don't allow them in term time of when DSs have a football match the next day. I treat the friends to a breakfast of fresh pancakes so they'll want to come again.

exciting, but not exhausting - well put!

Mine have sleepovers most w/es. No biggy.

I think if sleepovers are fairly normal, children get over the `can't sleep because we're too excited' phase very fast. It's great to be comfortable in someone else's house, learn to fit in and eat differently etc. If you have family emergencies kids can stay with friends easily and you can help others if they have emergencies. We have saved a lot of money, helped out several friends in tight spots, and strengthened some really good friendships simply by being open to sleepovers. I really don't see a downside.

I completely agree snail, a friend had an emergency recently and her boys had to come and stay here for the night, would've been awful if they had been up all night as it was a school night so they needed to sleep. I think you do your kids a great disservice if you don't get then used to sleeping elsewhere, even if it's only at relative's houses.

yes snail

Glad you agree. Thanks.