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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How unreasonable would I be to ask/tell my parents what time to visit?

33 replies

NinkyNonker · 10/11/2011 11:31

I genuinely don't know, hence my asking.

My parents are due to visit us (DD and I) this afternoon after my mother's medical appointment in my town. She cancelled on me last week in case my sister was around, but that was the subject of another thread, and this is the replacement visit.

I asked what time her appointment was, was told 1130 (NHS, often late) and so I said "well that should work well, DD goes down for her nap around 11 so should be up and ready for guests about 1." DM replied, "Oh no, we should be ready before then, we'll let you know when we're on our way." I indicated that I'd like them to come when I invite them (nicely) and have been over-ridden so far.

Now, before you all yell at me for being precious, DD (15 months) is a poor sleeper and I am working very hard to improve it. She sleeps much better at night when she has had a good, approx 1.5 to 2 hr nap, sometimes even sleeping through. Shock I'm not routine driven, just trying to implement a little structure. We live in an old house in which noice travels, and my parents are loud, even when trying to be quiet. If they arrive and knock on the door, the dogs will run to the door, my mum will come in loudly and start making tea (the stairs are off the kitchen, DD's room is at the top) and she will wake up. She had a disturbed day yesterday as we had people viewing the house, she then woke at 11pm then up for the day at 0515.

All I am asking is that they pop into the shops for a cup of tea or something and give me half an hour. I know they will make me out to be unreasonable and get huffy, cue lots of PA comments when the arrive. They often pop into the shops when it suits them by the way, stop off to do their shopping en route or watever which is fine by me obviously. I'm cooking lunch etc for them.

So. Is it unreasonable to be allowed to ask people visit at a certain time or is it more reasonable for the visitors to specify the time? I genuinely don't know! In any other circumstance (me visiting anyone for example) I would arrive at the time invited, but my parents make me feel so unreasonable all the time.

So. AIBU or do I stick to my guns?! Grin

OP posts:
ElphabaisWicked · 10/11/2011 11:34

YANBU It is perfectly acceptible to say for example, can you come after 1.00pm

However in your situation I would maybe invent a reason why you won't be available until after 1pm, perhaps you have to nip somewhere like picking up a prescription from the doctors or something like that.(you don't have to go just say you got back earlier than expected if they catch you in)

KD0706 · 10/11/2011 11:37

YANBU. Especially since it sounds like you can't trust them to be quiet and not wake DD.

I agree that yo might need to make up an excuse as they sound like the sort who would just turn up if they knew it was 'only' DDs nap.

AndTheyCalledHimSantyClaws · 10/11/2011 11:37

YABU, what is your mujm supposed to do between her appointment and visiting you?

exoticfruits · 10/11/2011 11:38

I would just invent an excuse for not being there and tell them 1pm.

KD0706 · 10/11/2011 11:40

Also OP I remember your other thread and since your parents don't seem to especially put themselves out for you, I don't see why you should disrupt DDs precious nap for them

StrandedBear · 10/11/2011 11:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 10/11/2011 11:42

If we ignore the fact that your Mum is lucky to have an invite at all after last time...

I would normally say YABU to dictate exactly what time your parents should visit - however, after reading the second half of your thread I think YANBU.

I think you should tell them you are going out and wont be back until after 1.

Original poster
NinkyNonker · 10/11/2011 11:43

They could do what they often do when it suits them SantyClaws, pop into Sainsbury's, Tescos, Waitrose, the shopping centre, the town centre etc etc for a cup of tea and a meander...all between the hospital and our house. She is over every week/fortnight so they know the area very well.

If they do get in touch I'll tell them we're not around until after one I think, see what the response is!

OP posts:
AndTheyCalledHimSantyClaws · 10/11/2011 11:45

Fair play. I just personally would never dictate to my mum about viditing time just because my child was sleeping, but then again I was never quiet around my ds as I babhy, and i never understand those who are

Original poster
NinkyNonker · 10/11/2011 11:45

I hate coming across as precious when I'm really not, but I'm used to her appointments being long and late, and then they pop into the shops on their way etc etc so there is normally hours between appt and their arrival here. So when I said "any time after 1" I thought that was reasonable, but it seems this is the one time they were planning on coming straight here! Confused

Am such a wuss when it comes to my parents.

OP posts:
AndTheyCalledHimSantyClaws · 10/11/2011 11:46

oops that would be visiting

Original poster
NinkyNonker · 10/11/2011 11:46

We're not quiet around her in a precious way, just desperately trying to introduce her to the concept of sleep, as I am pregnant and need some! Is that that unusual?!

OP posts:
newmum001 · 10/11/2011 11:54

YANBU at all! My dd 14 months is the same (always been hard to settle, very alert, once awake will not go back to sleep etc) so I am a slave to her daytime nap. In the past I have actually told dp he wasn't allowed to go to the toilet cause he'd wake her up (I am not that bad these days though and am slightly ashamed about that) however my family all know when dd has a sleep and mostly come over after she wakes up. Tell them it will have to be 1 o clock!

newmum001 · 10/11/2011 11:54

YANBU at all! My dd 14 months is the same (always been hard to settle, very alert, once awake will not go back to sleep etc) so I am a slave to her daytime nap. In the past I have actually told dp he wasn't allowed to go to the toilet cause he'd wake her up (I am not that bad these days though and am slightly ashamed about that) however my family all know when dd has a sleep and mostly come over after she wakes up. Tell them it will have to be 1 o clock!

Shodan · 10/11/2011 12:09

As far as I'm concerned it doesn't matter what reason you have for wanting them to come at the time you invited them for. It doesn't even matter if you just want to sit and pick your nose/ twiddle your hair/dance to crap music. Anyone who doesn't live in your house should come when they're invited/or at an agreed time and not treat your home like it's their second one.

So YANBU, at ll, in the slightest.

vixsatis · 10/11/2011 12:14

You are being precious.

In any event, it is highly unlikely that she will be seen on time. By the time she arrives you will have had your extra half hour.

Not worth creating ill feeling

Original poster
NinkyNonker · 10/11/2011 12:22

Ah it's all academic now as they've just arrived and dd is awake and grumpy. Oh well.

OP posts:
JugsMcGee · 10/11/2011 12:28

No it's not unusual. Anyone with a poor sleeper will understand! We've never been quiet either but DS is currently on nap strike so when he does nap I am quiet because I'd rather he napped right now! YANBU. I bet they'd come later if it was your sister.

DoMeDon · 10/11/2011 12:36

YANBU to expect a time. You were busy until 1pm. I had a routine and did not want it disrupted. That's not precious, it's living your life how you choose. Noone has a right to override anothers decision about who they want in their home or when. Your parents are adults who can occupy themselves for half hour for the benefit of their DC and DGD.

jazzandh · 10/11/2011 14:05

You weren't being unreasonable - sleep is precious!

To avoid the noise problems with mine, I put fans in their rooms. This blocks out enough noise to avoid casual disturbaces like phones, doorbells etc, and is brilliant at night, they don't get disturbed by the rest of the household, washing machine etc, or other siblings still charging around!

zimm · 10/11/2011 14:09

YANBU. I don't have visitors during DD naptime the time is too precious for me to be on my own drinking tea. I don't give a fig if this make me precious. They don't have to visit.

Disclaimer - DD napes for 40 mins per day at most so it;s a very short window..

SnapesMistress · 10/11/2011 14:11

That was mean of them, turning up when they knew why ot was a problem. It would not have put them out to have had a cuppa in town. Angry

PoppyWearer · 10/11/2011 14:13

Sorry to hear that, OP.

FWIW, my parents always ask me what time to come over, they never assume I'm fine with whenever. I'm waiting for them now, asked them to come over after 2pm so my DCs could get some sleep and be happy and awake when they arrive. My DD has always been a bad sleeper and doesn't normally nap, but we were all awake extra-early this morning. I should have had a nap too, dammit!

My DPs don't have a problem with it at all.

PoppyWearer · 10/11/2011 14:14

Even my PITA PILs will go and have a cup of coffee in town if they know they're early.

LydiaWickham · 10/11/2011 14:17

You weren't being unreasonable, if you have a bad sleeping child, you do what works - if that means you have to stick to a routine to make your life bareable, then you do it, sod people who had children who could sleep through a marching band going up and down the stairs and have said sleep at anytime, eat at any time and still sleep 12 hours a night - they just don't get it, they never will and parenting advice from people with naturally deep and long sleeping DCs should always be ignored.

Next time, batteries out of the bell, don't answer the door until 1pm.