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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want Christmas to come. After my brother died in March.

36 replies

melika · 10/11/2011 10:54

Listening to Christmas music brings out the worst in me, my big brother unexpectedly died in March from a heart attack. He had a angina and I was always on at him to go and get sorted, eg, stents etc. He kept putting it off and finally he died on his way to London at the station. He was 55 years old, very handsome, popular and well kept for his age. I feel so robbed. But he always came to mine for Christmas dinner, bringing his 'veggie dish', I don't know how I will manage, probably sit there crying through it. I have had people say 'well its been so many months now' like I should be over it, but I am really not. I lost my Mom Dec '08 too. Should I pull myself together?

OP posts:

DamnBamboo · 10/11/2011 10:57

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Can you not use it as a special time to commemorate him and try your best to make his veggie dish as he would.
Christmas is always hard for those who have lost someone but perhaps you can put together a nice scrapbook with memories of him and of you both and look at that.

It will get easier, but for now, honour his memory and take care of yourself.

redwineformethanks · 10/11/2011 10:57

Don't be hard on yourself. 55 is not old and you've had a big trauma. Christmas can be a very difficult time for lots of people when there's so much pressure (from the shops / TV etc) to be having the best time ever. Perhaps try to deliberately do something a bit different for Christmas this year to break the pattern. Or have a toast to him at some point during the day so you do feel that his absence is acknowledged

sunnysunnyshine · 10/11/2011 10:59

Just wanted to say you're not alone. I used to absolutely LOVE Christmas but my lovely brother died suddenly 2 weeks ago. He was only 32. I honestly don't know how we are going to get through this.
I hope it's not too horrendous for you X

Everlong · 10/11/2011 11:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OldGreyWassailTest · 10/11/2011 11:00

I am sorry for your loss. My Dad died, aged 52, on a Boxing Day so I know how you feel. You WILL get through it, I promise.

Nettee · 10/11/2011 11:00

no of course not. The first Christmas is the worst. My big sister died in January 2000 and I coped 11 months later by trying to make Christmas significantly different to how it had been before. We were 22 and 24 when it happened. 11 years later it is definatley easier but of course we will always miss her.

Maybe go somewhere else for Christmas lunch this year???

Everlong · 10/11/2011 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

101North · 10/11/2011 11:01

oh poor you. I'm so sorry. You have no real need to "pull yourself together" if you don't want to right now.
I have the same residual feelings about christmas. We always set a place at the table for my brother who died, wow, nearly 6 years ago (in march) which is what made your thread jump out at me.

Nothing can make you feel better, there's no right or wrong way of feeling. do what you most feel like doing, if that cancelling christmas, then do it, but try to imagine what your brother would like you to be doing at this time.
Keep him in the forefront of your mind, to show yourself that he is not forgotten. Its so sad you have lost leaves of your family tree. My heart goes out to you.

ReindeerBollocks · 10/11/2011 11:01

It's not about pulling yourself together, but allowing yourself to grieve for your DB. It's completely natural to feel this way, especially during Christmas.

It's irrelevant how many months has past, this is your first Christmas without him. Have you thought of a way to celebrate his life at Christmas, as that might help you concentrate your energy into something.

I am really sorry for your loss, and please don't let anyone tell you that you should be over it. You loved your brother dearly and are bound to be upset without him, that shouldn't ever change whether it be five months or five years.

PacificDogwood · 10/11/2011 11:03

YANBU. Of course.

1st anniversaries after a loss like yours are often the worst and very painful.

Will you have other family with you at Christmas?
I like the idea of doing something to commemorate him, but also making how you celebrate Christmas a bit different from what it was like with him around.

So sorry for your loss .

SydSaid · 10/11/2011 11:03

YANBU.

My Dad died on Christmas Eve 2008, and although I put on a show for the sake of the kids, I really don't ever feel like celebrating. It might be easier now but it's not easy. But then I don't think that's very long either, and that's three years this year, not just a few months.

March - Dec is not a long time at all, and he was very much part of your celebrations. This is the first time we will be missing. It is no wonder you don't feel like it. It might be best, as redwine says, to do something different. but whatever you decide, you will get through it.

PacificDogwood · 10/11/2011 11:04

Oh, sunny, just saw your post too - so, so sorry .

dustystarry · 10/11/2011 11:05

I'm so sorry about your brother. A few months is nothing when you are grieving so ignore idiots who think you should be over it. The first Christmas without a loved one is incredibly hard for most people. Do you friends you could spend it with? About 6 years ago a close friend lost her dh a few weeks before xmas leaving her with 2 small boys. She spent that first xmas with relatives as it was so recent she was still in shock really. Then the next year she went away on holiday with her two ds over xmas as she knew it would be too hard to have it at home. Since then she has been fine and able to have xmas at home again. I know she still misses him like crazy and that special times like xmas are the hardest but she's able to actually enjoy them now even whilst wishing he could still be there.

terrierist · 10/11/2011 11:05

I know exactly where you're coming from, I can't remember the Christmas after my dad died (it was 33 years ago this month) but I do remember my heart breaking on the New Years Eve because I didn't want to be in a year my dad hadn't lived in.

My wonderful mum died on Boxing Day 2009. Christmas was always a big family day at her house so as a family we decided to do something or go somewhere different last year - DB went to Australia to watch cricket. This year it's back to our normal tradition at mum's house where I now live.

I'm sure it will be a bitter sweet day for you, give yourself time to remember him and have a bit of a cry, but try to think about the good times you had together and give yourself a chance to smile too.

Original poster

melika · 10/11/2011 11:08

I am crying my heart out now with your kind wishes, I just feel he had everything to live for. He was trying to cure himself with healthy eating and walks etc. I always had it in the back of my mind to say something like, I will come with to the hospital and you will be ok, but was afraid he might think I was pushy. He just got a new love in his life, she is very beautiful, lovely person. It's just so wrong. When an old person dies, you can say they had a good innings but he was so young at heart. He was my big brother. There were us five kids and not there's four.

OP posts:

Original poster

melika · 10/11/2011 11:11

I am sorry Sunnysunshine and all of you that have lost loves ones too.

OP posts:

minouminou · 10/11/2011 11:28

Never mind the morons who say "it's been so many months now..."; they've obviously not been through this.

On a practical note, as there's nothing anyone can say to make this Xmas easier for you, why not break the annual habit this year? Could you book Xmas lunch at a pub or hotel? Or go away? Or just do something radically different so that you're not looking at the clock thinking "This is around the time when DB would have been coming/he would have loved this film/song etc etc.

The thing is, though, is that Xmas day itself may be a relief....it's the anticipation that's painful, so it may actually be a better idea to have something to look forward to after it's all over...something else to keep your focus on. Maybe book that break for the New Year, or plan to redecorate.

Above all, though, don't feel you have to grieve to a schedule, especially not someone else's naive schedule. Talk to people who've been through it and know what you're on about, not people who are going to give you answers that will make you hurt even more.

It is going to be painful for you, so you have to find a balance of feeling it and distracting yourself from it - a balance that works for you, not others.

101North · 10/11/2011 11:40

Melika - Your heart is huge and this is why you feel so much. Be happy your brother is still a part of you. You are taking time to show him to us, He sounds like a lovely man.

you said, "He was my big brother. There were us five kids and not there's four." This was the same in our family too. We were very close. Part of that will not end. the family dynamic has changed but you can get together with your other siblings and remember him to keep his memory alive.

I recently had a baby boy and everyone says he looks SO much like my older brother who died did at the same age. I can see him smile at me and I know that my brother is still living, in a way.

Adversecamber · 10/11/2011 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

melika · 10/11/2011 12:32

Thank you all, especially 101North. I realise now, I am not standing alone.

Thank you.

My DS2 looks, acts, and loves scientific, digital things and Dr Who just like my brother did. I feel he has taken his place in my life, I am bemused with the similiarity sometimes.

OP posts:

Sparklyblue · 10/11/2011 12:36

but I do remember my heart breaking on the New Years Eve because I didn't want to be in a year my dad hadn't lived in.
Omg that made me cry.
So sorry for all your losses and I hope Christmas won't be too hard.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 10/11/2011 12:37

anyone who gives you a time limit on your grief deserves a punch in the face. I am so sorry for your loss and hope christmas isn't too bad - do something to remember your DB and Mom this year (I always go to my mum's grave and leave flowers - it's incredible on christmas day, so many lit candles and people but an overwhelming sense of peace). xxxx

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/11/2011 12:39

Melika... So sorry to hear about your brother. :(

There never is a good time to lose somebody you love but Christmas seems to be by far the worst, somehow. Of course you're going to miss him dreadfully, he'll probably be on your mind throughout and it will be incongruous with people you see around you, who haven't lost somebody recently, who are laughing and enjoying the season.

My way of coping with loss is to keep having jolly good weeps, like a dam bursting sometimes, and then give myself a bit of 'time off' from that. I have to do it that way because I have to meet clients and hold it together when I don't want to at all.

At the moment, your DS2 is a very poignant reminder of your brother and I expect it smarts and gives you pleasure at the same time.... one day you'll just be left with the pleasure and fond reminisces of your brother.

This one will probably be anguish for you and i don't know if there's any way around that but I know that next year won't be quite so hard and the year after not so hard again. You loved him, he was your family, and he knew that and loved you too. That's a legacy for always.

Thinking of you.

Cherriesarelovely · 10/11/2011 12:40

I feel so sad for you melika, you brother really does sound lovely, especially arriving for christmas with his veggie dish, that is so sweet! I know this is going to be an incredibly hard Christmas for you but just know that many people will be thinking of you and that you can use the time to celebrate your wonderful brother and share some of your happy memories of him.

Sunny so sorry to hear about your loss, how very sad.

dearheart · 10/11/2011 12:46

melika I hope you have a Christmas that is right for you - and that honours your sadness about your brother as well as all the good things in your life. Christmas does highlight the pain of loss - and you don't have to deny the truth of your feelings (it's healthier to acknowledge them).

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