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AIBU?

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Original poster

To suggest to my MIL that we go easy with Christmas prezzies this year

56 replies

Stormfromeast · 09/11/2011 21:17

Every year my MIL asks for very expensive prezzie. Last year she asked for a TV recorder, the year before last she asked for a laptop. To be fair, Christmas day is also her birthday, and she does expect to have 2 prezzie from each of her children. But she is 85 years old! WTF would a 85 year old woman want expensive prezzies for?

One year I did suggest we go easy and got the cold shoulder from her. None of her children dare say no, including my DH. MIL always insist we all could afford it. But that's not the point.

Should I bring this up again for this year? Any suggestions on how to get DH to support my brave act?

OP posts:
pigletmania · 09/11/2011 22:13

She sounds like a small child not a grown adult who should know better. Ignore her, and get her something within your budget. My mum is the opposite, she would have kittens if we bought her anything expensive.

trumpton · 09/11/2011 22:14

My MIL is 88 and I have spent today repainting her sun room . She spends most of her time in her house and it is important to her that it is kept immaculate .

Age has nothing to do with it. I hope our DC treat us the way we treat DH's mother when we are no longer able to physically able to do things for ourselves.

If your MIL is making unreasonable demands then you will have to tell her that her expecations are just that... unreasonable.

Flisspaps · 09/11/2011 22:18

AnotherEmptyNest I'm not sure suggesting a male escort is the sort of surprise the OP had in mind

lurkerspeaks · 09/11/2011 22:21

It kind of depends on whether you can afford it - is she jointly asking her children/ granchildren to club together to buy these things?

I know that my grandparents get a lot of use out of their computer (85th b'day present for my grandfather) and that my other grandmother loves her mightily expensive plasma screen TV. The rest of us love it too 'cos it has a 'hard of hearing' wireless headphone set hooked up so we don't have to listen to it at Gran volume.

These people spend a lot of time in their home and get a lot of use and pleasure out of consumer durables. As a family it wasn't particularly arduous for us to afford them and I'd much rather buy them something they want (but are afraid to buy = computer/ expensive electricals) than yet another bloody cashmere cardie that gets kept for 'best' or PJs to join the ever quivering pile of new ones (being kept for hospital admissions).

lurkerspeaks · 09/11/2011 22:25

Oh and my sibs and I bought my Dad a PVR a few years ago. He loves it (and is far too mean to ever buy it for himself).

He recently had to buy a new laptop and bought a cheap one (didn't need to) and still looks longingly at the shiny bits of apple toy that my sibs and I take round.

I despair........ he can't take the money with him and quite frankly I'd much rather he had the pleasure of a shiny Macbook or ipad than I inherited my share of an extra 400 quid in (hopefully) quite a number of years time.

pigletmania · 09/11/2011 22:25

Its just rude to ask and expect, its something you do not do. If someone asks you than fair enough, but not to ask other people and expect it.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 09/11/2011 22:32

Of course she should be treated with respect whatever her age but that does not extend to dictating what presents she should be bought. She sounds like she is very grasping. I would do have others suggest and just get her a smaller present for both her birthday and Christmas present.

ajandjjmum · 09/11/2011 22:35

'The fact that she has so many stuff in her house from Christmas many moons ago'

How many laptops does she have in her house from many moons ago? She might have lots of stuff, but maybe fancies some new, up to date stuff.

If you can't afford it, say so, or suggest her dc buy a joint present. But don't resent getting her stuff because of her age.

AnotherEmptyNest · 09/11/2011 22:36

flisspaps

My mother married again when she was 80? didn't work out and she had to be rescued. That's a good idea! What about a 'manufactured' date?

pigletmania · 09/11/2011 22:38

ajandjjmum it is rude and grasping to ask, whether you are 10 or 85 it does not matter. I would get her something small on principle. If she wants it herself, she can save for it like everybody else. I have no objections to anyone of whatever age having nice things, but to ask and demand so that people are scared of you Hmm

ajandjjmum · 09/11/2011 22:50

Of course it is piglet - no-one in our family would give present ideas unless asked, but every family is different. As the OP has children about to go off to uni, MIL has presumably been around for coming up for 20 years. If that's the way it's always been done, it's a bit odd to suddenly find it unacceptable after all this time imho. Unless she's jumped from a bar of nice soap to a laptop within the space of a couple of years. Grin

With life being as hectic as it is, we find the gifts most appreciated by our parents are those that involve spending time with us, rather than those that have a monetary value.

pigletmania · 09/11/2011 23:05

ajandjjmum mabey op and her family have had enough, after all this time, and with her children going to uni, needs the money to help them. She sounds very controlling, grasping and rude. The op said she EXPECTS to have 2 presents from each of her children wft! Not only dictating what they get her but how they give to her. She goes into a strop when op got her something cheaper. How old is this woman! Sounds like a 2 year old child. On principle she will be getting a cardigan and some slippers from the market Grin

pigletmania · 09/11/2011 23:06

Btw what does she get her grandchildren or children for their birthdays Hmm

squeakytoy · 09/11/2011 23:23

Piglet, I was about to ask that too.... it could put this into a totally different light if she gets them a new car each ... or gives them a couple of grand.. Grin

squeakytoy · 09/11/2011 23:25

And if it is a joint present from all the family, then I suppose it really isnt that expensive.

Better to club together and get her something she actually wants than buy her sackloads of slippers and hankies...

pigletmania · 09/11/2011 23:34

Well squeaky according to the op thats not good enough to club together, she wants 2 presents from each child Shock Cheeky moo!

Original poster
Stormfromeast · 10/11/2011 08:42

Euphemia - the problem is she makes the children pay for it and never once enquired about the cost. Doesn't give a toss. Does that sound right to you still?

OP posts:
Original poster
Stormfromeast · 10/11/2011 08:52

Thank you all, for support, suggestions, and points for reflection. It is almost impossible to say in a post, what kind of person my MIL is. Presents and attention are not just the things she expect : ( I have been her DIL for over 20 years and never disagreed with her because I've been brought up to respect the elder. But I have cracked now and absolutely despair. I will buy the slippers and dildo.

OP posts:
AKMD · 10/11/2011 09:08

Seriously?! Shock

kittya · 10/11/2011 09:17

I always ask my mum. I would hate to get her anything she has no use for. My mum likes nice things so I usually get her some Dior Makeup, last year I got her Uggs.

I dont think at 85 she will really appreciate the price of things but, its a short life, if she want an Ipad or Plasma telly and you can afford it then get her it.

Just think of that lovely well decorated house that will be yours one day. Is she fit enough to go on a nice short holiday?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/11/2011 09:23

I haven't read the other posts yet but I don't like your OP much, OP.

Are you expecting your MIL to 'pop off' anytime soon hence not wanting to 'waste' an expensive present on her? I'm sure you could put a sticker on the back of the laptop or whatever saying "Property of - on permanent loan". Shock

Maybe get her some cheese? That doesn't keep long, does it?

Could you club together with her other children to get her one gift she's asked for and the rest just token 'consumables'.... in view of her advanced years? Hmm

What does your DH say? Not much, possibly. Some men just don't seem to take on board the gift-giving for their families. I know that if my husband had posted as you did, I'd be furious. Let him choose what to buy for his mother.

pigletmania · 10/11/2011 09:28

I don't believe how some people are agreeing with her demands, this would not be happening if it was a younger person. Just becauseone is elderly does not mean that manners go out of the window. Therewas a thread on here about a teen who would not share her sweets with a 2 and 6 year old when they asked for one. There was uproar on the thread that children should not ask, and display manners, same goes here. Only this is worse, a grown woman demanding high price items for both birthday and Christmas. Does not make it right because she is old.

pigletmania · 10/11/2011 09:32

My mum is 75 and likes nice things, she buys them herself and not go round demanding off family. It's the MIL sense of entitlement that's the issue not her age. I think the op worded it wrong

ajandjjmum · 10/11/2011 10:48

OP - bet you're wishing now you'd made that stand 20 years ago! Grin Know what you mean about respecting people though, and when you're younger, it's sometimes hard to be firm with DH's parental expectations. Would it be possible to sit her down and explain very clearly that you just can't afford to spend that amount, with the economy, dc off to uni etc? She might surprise you, and offer to pay their accommodation!!

What sort of gifts does she buy?

Also, I think the two gifts relate to the fact that it's also her birthday, so she wants a separate gift for Christmas and her birthday.

redwineformethanks · 10/11/2011 11:21

I don't think you've said what she gives to you and your family. If she spends a lot on gifts for them I think it's reasonable she would like a nice present in return. Maybe you could turn the tables by saying you would just like a paperback book this year. Then it would be easier for you to suggest that you reduce the present budget.

Also I wonder if your DH really does agree with you on this. Are you sure he doesn't secretly like being generous to his Mum?

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