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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really angry with my neighbour's son?

50 replies

WombOnTheBroom · 08/11/2011 19:04

My neighbour is in her mid-eighties. She's immobile (confined to a chair). She has carers four times a day. She can't make it out of her chair even onto the commode without assistance. She is increasingly confused - regularly calls me and thinks people who have died long ago are still with us. She falls regularly (about 1-2 times per week) when she tries to go to the loo without her carers or when she forgets that she can't walk. I'm terrified that she's going to break a hip/something else/overdose on medication (she self-medicates for arthritis and I can't believe that she remembers when she's taken her last dose). She doesn't want to go into a home - she has lived in the house for over 50 years. But she doesn't even have a downstairs bathroom so she's not had a bath in 4 years. She is regularly sitting in her own mess as she can't make it onto the commode.

Her son lives about an hour away and calls for a short visit about every 3-4 weeks. He is 50+ with two grown children. He is reasonably comfortably off (based admittedly on my neighbour's views) - he has nice cars, and four/five overseas holidays per year. I have called him on several occasions when she's fallen and has called me or at times when she's seemed particularly confused. I know her friends locally are concerned about her too and have also called him. She needs additional care. I even went so far as to mention my concerns to her GP (coincidentally also mine). But her son plays down any concerns and as a result I don't think her real care needs are being met. I am really worried something bad is going to happen. Her GP said that unless she is a danger to herself or others she (the GP) can't do anything. Anytime my neighbour sees the GP etc she downplays how bad she is.

I call in about once a week but have two young children and can't call in every day (and beside which I'm not equipped to support her properly). AIBU to be angry that her son isn't taking her condition seriously? Or should I remove my sticky beak and let them get on with it? Or is there something else I can do?

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 08/11/2011 19:06

I would ring Social Services.. this poor lady should not be living like this. Her son should be ashamed of himself. :(

blobtobetter · 08/11/2011 19:12

So sad! I knew an old lady who was so frail and lonely ( I used to visit and clean a bit for her as she was house proud) and it turned out that her daughter lived on the same street, just further up, and didn't come and see her.

I would also contact Social Services - sounds like the lady is suffering.

OldernotWiser47 · 08/11/2011 19:15

District nurses could also be helpful, I think- request home visit/ home assessment

itsokaytodisagree · 08/11/2011 19:16

He won't want her to be in a home because it'll use up all his inheritance.

I agree about giving SS a ring.

Original poster

WombOnTheBroom · 08/11/2011 19:18

She had a home assessment from someone from a local authority care home. But she told them she didn't want to go into a home so they didn't do a formal assessment of what she can/can't do. (e.g. I know she tells people she can go to the kitchen but this is not true.)

Sorry to ask, but what's the best way of informing social services? I'd feel bad about doing it - but I am really worried about her.

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PoppadumPreach · 08/11/2011 19:18

What a horrible son

For her sake please keep sticking your beak in until a professional assesses properly.

Well done for taking this degree of interest. Most people, I fear, would pretend not to notice.

Original poster

WombOnTheBroom · 08/11/2011 19:20

isitokay - tbh that's what I thought. Her house is a local housing association but I think she has savings (she pays for her carers herself).

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canyou · 08/11/2011 19:24

I hate to be cruel [this is what we were advised to do when we were in a similar situation] but the next time you are called and she is on the floor call an ambulance she will most likely be taken to hosp but there she can be assessed, a care plan that may give her extra support an be drawn up. I say this as there may come a time when she falls and is left there for a long period of time and the cold nights are coming in which may have fatal consequences.

Original poster

WombOnTheBroom · 08/11/2011 19:24

PoppadumPreach thanks - slight cross post. I feel like a bit of a nosey neighbour but every time I see the paramedics come to pick her up again I fear the worst.

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Original poster

WombOnTheBroom · 08/11/2011 19:27

Hi canyou - sorry cross post. She has a fob thing that she presses when she falls so the paramedics come out. There can be a bit of a wait for it (and I've gone round to sit with her on a few occasions while they come) but they seem to pick her up, put her back on her chair and go away again. She once went to hospital for x-rays but was home without any further assessment.

OP posts:

eatingdust · 08/11/2011 19:28

It's great that you're helping her all you can, but it's not necessarily the son's fault that her needs aren't being met.

If she's refusing to go into a home, and covering up her real situation, then there's a limit as to what he can do if she's of sound mind - he can't force her to go into care.

No experience of what social services might be able to do if you call them, perhaps someone else on here would know. Good luck, I hope she's ok.

canyou · 08/11/2011 19:28

Womb are you serious? The paramedics move her to hosp and then she is left home with the current level of care? I wonder has she refused outside help from District Nurse etc , My Grandmother tried that she was quickly informed to change her tune for the sake of our sanity she saw it as charity

mrsravelstein · 08/11/2011 19:29

before you judge the son too harshly, it may be very difficult to do anything without the woman's consent, if she is judged by GP/social workers to be of sound mind. we had exactly that situation with an elderly family member who was living in squalor and totally unable to look after herself, and after much heartache we eventually had to accept that there was absolutely nothing 'the authorities' could do about it.

canyou · 08/11/2011 19:29

Xpost again but I guess she is mentally sound and has made a decision, You are very good to go to her and wait with her

mrsravelstein · 08/11/2011 19:29

sorry, x post with eatingdust

purplepidjin · 08/11/2011 19:29

She will have a Care Manager, however there is a lot of pressure on SW at the moment, so her case will more than likely be handled by the Duty Social Worker. Google "Duty social worker " There will be an out of hours emergency team if you can't call during office hours.

Does she call you every time she falls? If so, call an ambulance every single time. They will be trained to pick her up properly to protect both their backs and her delicate skin and bones and it will also flag the frequency up on her records. In this situation, it's not a waste of resources - there may be underlying medical reasons why she's falling.

Can you talk to the carers? They should be able to put suggestions in to their superiors at the agency, and also may be able to contact the Care Manager directly.

Age UK are also very very good in situations like this (0800 169 6565)

Methe · 08/11/2011 19:30

I work with the elderly and would would not believe how normal this is! Very few people seem to have children that give a shit about them :(

Original poster

WombOnTheBroom · 08/11/2011 19:32

canyou - I think that's what's made me angry. I'm sure she has refused care. But I think her son ought to be pushing it a bit harder to ensure she's safe. And eatingdust I think you're right, until the last 6 months, I think she was of sound mind. So if she wanted to sit in her own mess, then... But she's more confused than not, lately and is falling at least once a week.

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purplepidjin · 08/11/2011 19:33

WombonaBroom, she should be entitled to government help.

As others have said, if she's judged capable under the Mental Capacity Act, there's very little you, her son or SS will be able to do. She is still an adult and able to decide for herself. In fact, it may be all the more important for her to have some semblence of control in her situation.

Xales · 08/11/2011 19:34

I agree with the others. Every time she has a fall and calls you then call an ambulance.

She is down playing the situation and so it needs to be officially noticed. She is not doing herself any favours by down playing it but not surprisingly wants to be in her own known house.

As for her son. Well I cannot pass any judgement on him. I have no idea what their past was like. He may be a vile selfish shit just after her house/money when she is gone, he may have been badly abused and think she deserves what she gets now or any where in between. Only she and he know the answer to that one.

mrsravelstein · 08/11/2011 19:37

my parents nearly gave themselves nervous breakdowns trying to 'push a bit harder' to get our relative into a safe situation. they spent days and weeks and months on the phone to GP/hospital/social workers and just kept coming up against a brick wall, that the relative was "mentally competent".

in the end my parents just refused to have anything to do with it when the hospital called to say she'd been taken in. they refused to help when the hospital called to say come and collect her. they refused to do anything at all, until eventually some more help was found for the relative. to an outsider it would have looked like they didn't give a toss, but it was in fact quite the opposite.

banana87 · 08/11/2011 19:38

This makes me so sad because it sounds like my grandma only my uncle has sorted it out and she's in a home now, and it's grandpa who is at home on his own. Your neighbors son needs to step up and do something but unfortunately I have no advice as to how you go about getting him to do anything, sorry

Original poster

WombOnTheBroom · 08/11/2011 19:39

MrsRavelstein - sorry to hear about your experience. I do think he's not really listening though (I and her friends seem far more concerned than he is - tbh I wouldn't want my dog living like she has to.)

Purplepidjin will try to call social worker tomorrow - thanks for that tip. cross post ref the paramedics. I'm glad she wears the fob - at least I know that she can get them out. Will also try to nab the carers tomorrow.

methe - I'm really upset about this. Would hate to think of anyone like that but suspect it is very common.

OP posts:

featherbag · 08/11/2011 19:41

In my area, home care 4 times daily is the maximum level of social care available at home. This lady MUST be refusing further care, moving into a home, etc. No-one can force someone who is of sound mind into accepting something they don't want, and even elderly confused people need to be pretty far gone before they can be judged to be not of sound mind. Awkward and frustrating, but that's the way it is.

Original poster

WombOnTheBroom · 08/11/2011 19:41

Sorry - gotta dash and put the kids to bed. will answer more in a few mins. (Or will be culpable of my own neglect...)

OP posts:

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