Babies and children at funerals

[BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability]

Ok, not an AIBU but a quick question and want honest answers...

What are your opinions on babies and children at funerals? DS is one, and I may not be able to get childcare for him to attend. Is it the done thing to not go for this reason, or should I take him?
It is for a relative of DH, so he wants me to go to support him.
Obviously he is going to see what his family say too, but what is the general consensus here?

My mother adored her GGC. My Dd brought her eldest son but left the little ones at a friends. They came to the wake and loved hearing stories about Nanny's life and mine when I was little. They brought life and laughter to a sad day. As someone said earlier it is all part of the Wheel of Life.

The MIL who has asked that children don't come is prob hurting and will regret it. Can anyone have a quiet word and say that the children love her and would want to comfort her? (if this is the case!)

I think its fine to take babies and children to funerals, but i wouldn't have been happy at someone suggesting the children could comfort me. If children had done this I would have felt obliged to try and put a brave face on to the children and show that their comforting had worked, whilst thinking that the parent was extremely insensitive.

I think babies and children are fine at funerals if you accept someone may be too upset or grief stricken to pay them any notice at all, however close they normally are to them. 1 funeral I went to for example I was so upset that I was in a bit of a daze and could barely take in the words said as part of the euology, never mind think of someone else's children.

I have been to funerals with my DCs of varying ages, but I have always taken them out at the earliest squeak so that they don't disturb proceedings in any way at all. At my brother's girlfriend's funeral, her mother didn't even notice that we had bought DS2 (15 mths) because although he was having the mother of all tantrums at the crematorium, DH walked him round the car park trying to calm him down!

My grandmother is dying at the moment, and I asked my great aunt if, when the time comes, she would object to the children being there and she was adamant that they should come (if we wanted them to).

My (then) 13 month old was at her great-granny's funeral in the summer. I was ready to flee with her at the first sign of noise but she behaved beautifully, a little gurgling and that was it. My FIL was happy she was there, her two cousins weren't and he was a little put out about that. In partiuclar after the ceremony - he held her the whole time all the wellwishers were going by and it seemed to help him.

It's absolutely normal in Ireland to have kids there, especially if it's their own family.

I was at my uncle's funeral when I was 2. He had commited suicide but I don't know if I was told, probably not. I was then at my dad's memorial service (there was no funeral as he donated his body to research) when I was 6. My brother was 3. We coped with it and I think children should go to funerals and be told about death in an age appropriate way. I would have no problem with taking my two to a funeral home to see someone who had died or to any part of the funeral. Yes it is not nice but I don't feel it's appropriate to keep it taboo. If the next of kin say no children you have to respect their wishes but otherwise take the DCs and if they are too young to understand sitting still and quiet position yourself where you can get out if you have to!

If the family are happy with it take your son along. Babies can be a geat source of comfort. When my dad was dying I used to bring my youngest who was just a baby to the hospice to see him. Everyone there said how lovely it was to have a baby visiting.

There were 7 of her granchildren at my mothers funeral and my son read a poem on behalf of them. the children were 17, 15 11, 9, 4, 3, 1. I cant imagine us not bringing them all along. My mum would have wanted them there.

My Grandad died last year and DH brought our then 4 year old to the removal service (night before funeral in the Church - long funerals in Ireland). She put flowers beside the coffin from the 3 great-grandkids. They hadn't come to the house beforehand (the coffin arrived mid-afternoon and we all got a chance to say goodbye before it was closed - that would have been too much for DD).

She had been at the house the day before though (the day he died and when it was just lots of visitors but no coffin) and was good as gold there (stayed out of the way but did a lot of "helping" to carry plates here and there, get sambos for people, pass on messages between relatives (like "tell Uncle X to put on the kettle for more coffee" from the sitting room to the kitchen), and helping me make a meal for my gran, aunts and uncles as dinner was far from their minds.

However, on the day of the funeral, and I was torn beforehand, I sent her to the creche as normal. And I was kinda glad I did. She got to say goodbye herself to the coffin, but the service was very large and very sad for me. I had a reading to do, and I was fairly upset a lot of the day. So I was happy with how it all worked in the end.

My gran (that Grandad's wife) is now starting to get very elderly, and I am starting to think about what will happen for her services. DD is now 6, and I think will want to come again. But I think I will stick with the removal and other family gatherings again (she's in school now too). There is also the consideration that, 3 of the grandkids (then aged 1, 4 and 8) didn't attend any of the services last time, and the other 2 greatgrandkids were too far away to travel. All of these children are likely to not be involved again (except possibly the now 10 year old, and then only possibly).

I would be guided by what the spouse/partner/other chief mourner wants: we took our son to my partner's mother's funeral a few months ago when he was one-and-a-bit, but I got my partner to talk to his Dad first, to say that I really wanted to come to show my respects but that would happily take care of the baby and come to the wake if he preferred. In the event he was happy with us all attending and we managed 5 minutes and a hymn before having to decamp outside, where my son had a splendid time inspecting a lawnmower and running around until everyone else emerged.

Both my DS's went to their uncles funeral (SILs husband) when they were 7 and 5. They were as good as gold, both of them attached themselves to one of their cousins (17 and 18) who had lost their father and looked after them, sat with them through the wake and generally protected them from anyone who was more intense than they could cope with. The 17 and 18 year old cousins struggled with it all, they had been completely banned from attending funerals as younger teens, so very hard that the first ones they had to attend was their Dad's.

I also took DS2 at four months to a memorial service for a relative who had been murdered, we would have taken him out at the slightest squeak, but he was very good. No way we would have taken DS1 to that one at 2, but lots of people thanked us for taking the baby along. He got passed around rather a lot afterwards, but was very good about it, and it was lovely to see some people smiling for the first time in months.

I didn't take DS (then 16 months corrected) to my MIL funeral. Dh (and I) were the chief mourners and the last thing we wanted was to have to think about DS as well. He would have got nothing out of it, and MIL wouldn't have minded. My mum had him for the day.

If it had been a more distant relative where i could have left if DS had got unsettled I would have taken him

I agree custard , if DS were even say, 8, I would take him.

Well the date is sorted now, just waiting for DH to find out if immediate family are okay with him coming...

At my Dad's funeral we were using a room next to the church for tea & cake after. We put some colouring books, pencils etc in there too so if people had to take the children out they had somewhere to go and play. There were quite a lot of young children at the funeral and I know how much my Dad loved his grandchildren /great grandchildren so would not have wanted them excluded. The children went there to play as well whilst the rest of us went to the crematorium.

I remember DS2 at my stepmum's funeral (as a toddler) eating the icing off the top of the fairy cakes then putting them back. It helped me to have something to smile about when I remember the funeral. (I'm sure my stepmum would have found it hiliarious too).

Make sure you have the car nearby or a room you can go to if you have to come out as it will be cold.