Babies and children at funerals

[BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability]

Ok, not an AIBU but a quick question and want honest answers...

What are your opinions on babies and children at funerals? DS is one, and I may not be able to get childcare for him to attend. Is it the done thing to not go for this reason, or should I take him?
It is for a relative of DH, so he wants me to go to support him.
Obviously he is going to see what his family say too, but what is the general consensus here?

I second Custards suggestion Cat, ask your parents if they'll do the sitting at the back with DCs so you can sit with DH. Also means that if they "play up" they can still be taken outside.
Sorry for your loss :(

The oldestcat - at my grandfather's funeral my dds sat with my other grandmother and aunt too. Worked very well as it did free up dh and I.
I'm sorry for your loss. When you say you're worried about your dd - do you mean how she's going to process this loss? You may find winstons wish helpful.

I took dd to my Granny's funeral at 8 months old, and did a reading with had her in a sling. No-one batted an eyelid.

Dd went with us to my nana's funeral when she was 3 months old. DS was looked after by my SIL (other side of the family as he was 2.5 and I thought he wouldn't be able to sit still and quiet when we needed him to.

It didn't occur to me not to take DD. She was Bf and would not take a bottle so there was no way she could be left. I was totally prepared to take her out during the service if she cried - she didn't and it was a little light relief for all the elderly relatives afterwards who may not have met her otherwise.

Sorry to those who've experienced recent losses.

This thread is making me realise how different Irish and (presumably?) UK funeral cultures are. In Ireland, it wouldn't occur to anyone that bringing children of any age to any part of the funeral - the part in the funeral home or house wake, or the funeral or burial bits - could possibly be unwelcome, and funerals are often packed with small children. I don't think anyone worries about a child dealing with seeing a body, or with seeing adult grief - it's normal. 9I'm always taken aback to meet adults who have never seen a dead body.) But then Irish people will travel long distances to attend the funeral of someone they barely know simply because there's a family connection, or because they are originally from the same area, so I suppose it's different - we are more regular funeral-going people!

Interesting to hear that things are different at UK funerals.

I think that you just have to be prepared to take them out at the start of any noise problem.

I agree that you should check with family/ about their feelings and preferences. I took my 3 (aged 1,3 and 5 at the time) to my dad's funeral, I've taken two little ones to a good friends funeral but had to take them outside because they were too noisy and left them with a friend when it was my gran's funeral. So different approaches for different situations.

Do what you feel comfortable with (and family) perhaps have someone at the ready to help with the little one if needs be...

Really sorry about your loss

If he is welcome take him. If its a traumatic funeral ( you know what I mean not the natural passing away of someone ) then no its too traumatic.

Sorry to high jack but when I read your message it struck a cord. Great Grandmother's funeral is this friday and she loved GGC 3 and 1 they are the only great grand children. ( Its hubby grandmother) We thought if we could not go to the crematorium I would stay at MIL house and await for people to come back afterwards with the children. Sadly MIL said best if hubby comes ( no kids so I will have to look after them despite Great Granny and I getting along for years) more to the point the answer was no can't be at the house as she could not possibly tolerate toys everywhere... I'm heartbroken to not even be able to say good bye and support my husband.

Please if they are welcomed take them, the renewal of life and all, sadly my father passed away 3 years ago and knowing my friends had come with their two babies actually gave me comfort in a way I can't explain.

Maybe its the renewal of life and everything x x x so sorry to high jack

This thread is very helpful, thank you. MIL is very unwell :( so this has been on my mind. Good suggestion to have the children sit farther back with someone else - we will do this.

My Grandad died last month and we had the same dilemma. DS1 was more the issue - boisterous, nosy 3yr old who likes asking questions. In the end, I decided to go to the church on my own and I'm glad I did. It was really emotional and everyone was really upset. DS1 would have been very upset to see it I think.

DH brought both kids to the wake afterwards and that was lovely. They cheered my Nan up hugely and were a welcome distraction!

I think really you need to ask the immediate family of the deceased. My grandpa died last year and I would have been happy to take the dc, who were 4 and 18mths, but my grandma was very against them coming (even to the drinks bit afterwards), so they had to stay at home with dh.

I've only been to one funeral which I definitely wouldn't have taken dc to and that was very sadly for a newborn baby.

If you do go though, definitely sit where you can make a quick exit and leave the church at the first sign of trouble.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts on my situation. I am sorry for all the losses people have suffered.

OP, hope the funeral goes as well as expected and is a celebration of your DH's relative's life.

Ds was 4 months when my nan died, my nephew 15 months. As a family we decided we wanted them there. My bil took both to the crem where a family friend look after them at the back. With the help of some chocolate buttons for dn both were fine through the service and provided much needed entertainment afterwards.

I think babies are fine at funerals if you can't find childcare. Toddlers tend not to be as they generally have trouble sitting still and quietly. DD1 was 3.5 when FIL died and I stayed at home with her as I knew she would ask whether grandad was "in that box" very loudly at the wrong time and would also find it upsetting as she was old enough to understand that she wouldn't see him again.

Took her to the wake (and was pleased that I did), where she loved being the centre of attention and more than enough of a reminder that life goes on. I do think that any distraction from children at the actual funeral service is a no-no - it's an emotional time for people to grieve and pay respect and remember. Interruption in the form of chatting, raisin munching and general toddler-isms is not acceptable imho. The wake is the reminder that life goes on, not the funeral service itself.

Ask the immediate relatives of the deceased but assume that you'll be taking him along. Funerals these days are often not the horribly formal, sombre dos they used to be. Yes, everyone's sad and you have to be sensitive about their feelings - taking a crying baby outside as you would for any church ceremony - but children are usually welcome. I think it lightens the atmosphere.

"ask whether grandad was "in that box" very loudly "

You reminded me. When my gran was buried, DS then 2.5yo asked loudly 'why are we putting that box in a hole?' Giggles all round but, as the one thing I'll remember about my gran was her big laugh, I think it was totally appropriate.

When my SIL's mother died I babysat her son (my DN) and her two neices during the service, who were all under 4 then took them to the wake afterwards. But I took DS to my uncle's funeral when he was 8 months old at the specific request of his widow as she said she wanted him there and my uncle would have done too. My aunt sat cuddling DS for some time before going in the car to the crem and seemed to find his presence comforting. So it is a matter of the circs and the individuals involved.

Theoldestcat, I took DD (6) to my dad's funeral earlier this year and my sister took her two (2 and 5) as well. The eldest two were perfectly behaved (although they are used to Church) and at the end laid flowers on their grandfather's coffin.

Butterflies, you wouldn't have liked what happened next. My sister gave a little speech about my dad and while she was doing it her 2yo decided to explore the chapel and had a little run around - rather than restrain him (with the resultant kick off that would ensue), BIL let him go and he was happy to have a wander. And we were all happy to see him - it was rather nice to have something to take our minds off what we were doing... obv. if the death was unexpected and tragic it would have been a different matter, but my dad had been very ill and his death was a release.

Also, as my dad was the sort of person who did what suited him regardless of public opinion and social convention (which could be excruciating at times), we felt that it was highly appropriate.

You should check with the closest relation before you take them. At my grandfather's funeral my grandmother who adores my kids said that she didn't want them there. I am not sure whether it was because she felt that it wasn't appropriate for young kids or whether she couldn't bear to see their happy faces. Either way, I respected her views as I didn't want to make the day any harder for her.

• it wasn't so long ago in Orkney that WOMEN weren't welcome at funerals - let alone kids, or babies!!

I think what others have said is sensible - check with the closest relative and take them outside if they make a fuss. Mind you if everyone who cries at a funeral had to go outside, there wouldn't be many left indoors!

With a babe in arms, I would take and be prepared to leave and hang around outside.

For my DH's grandads funeral, when DD was a toddler, I waited at the hotel they were holding the wake. This worked very well, as the funeral party were delighted to see a lively toddler once the funeral was over.

I wouldn't have a problem with it.

I didn't take my dc's to my dads funeral service as I was reading the eulogy and didn't want to be distracted by them buggering about. However, I wouldn't have had a problem with someone elses baby being there and would have been fine with a bit of grizzling.