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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in wanting to get the "Santa" conversation over with DS aged 10

72 replies

kate2mum · 08/11/2011 12:01

DS is 10. We are big Christmas people. Yes, we leave Santa's footprints in the snow. Yes, Santas hat is found high up in tree in the garden on Xmas morning. Yes, we sneak around in the dark in our own house at 2am on xmas eve.

He specifically asked me the other day if Santa was real. I was of course in the middle of getting dinner ready, baby sisters (both of them) fractious, etc. So I fobbed him off. But I don't want some sort of horrid playground letdown for him.

I think it is time to tell him (and promise never to tell his sisters). But I want to do it in a good way (ie, not while harrassed and put in such a way that he feels we have lied to him HIS WHOLE LIFE (!).

I want to use the opportunity more as a way of explaining belief, hope, trust, etc, human capacity for kindness. Haven't quite formulated this properly yet, as you can tell. And a big ask during teatime meltdowns!!

I was wondering if anyone else has had this conversation, and found a way to make it a positive thing for their child (ie, dd or ds not crumpled in the corner in abject disappoint).

I do kind of feel getting this right is a big deal because it marks the end of that part of his childhood (thank god for his little sisters or I would be weeping right now!).

OP posts:

DrCoconut · 08/11/2011 23:45

The thing is that father Christmas does exist but not as the man with the beard etc. When you go to all that trouble to make Christmas wonderful the spirit of love and generosity is very much alive and that is what father Christmas is. Older children can have that explained to them once they have stopped believing in it as a literal concept. It's fab to be 34 and know that santa IS real :)

cece · 08/11/2011 23:56

I don't think I would actually tell my DC. I expect them to suspect but not actually say anything and just play along with it....

They might give the game awy like I did with my parents. Instead of the usual light ale put out for FC to drink the year I found out I insisted on a glass of coke. Neither of my parents like coke so they knew I knew and I knew they knew I knew but nothing was ever said about it. I was 11

DD is 10 and I thnk she is suspicious. DS1 is 8 and is definitely suspicious. But I just say no one knows as FC is magic to any questions about FC. Although I have conceded that mums and dads help out with some of the shopping for him.

penguin73 · 09/11/2011 00:00

DS found out when his head made a comment to all the parents at the annual carol service about all the hard work that parents put in to keep alive the children's belief that Santa was actually real...before all the children had left the hall. He was in Y4 and was heart-broken, but still insists on doing the mince pies and carrot ritual 6 years later!

missingmumxox · 09/11/2011 00:48

Sorry haven't read throught the whole thread but this is important, wait until the Summer hols before secondary school and then do the Whole Father Christmas talk if he hasn't worked it out already by then, a friend did this as she didn't want her son to be made fun of at secondary school, she then made her partner do the whole Sex Ed talk off the back of she had broken his heart (DH had claimed it was a mothers job to do Sex Ed for both their Ds & Dd), I PMSL when she told me this and a plan I intend to use myself, even if they have worked it out themselves and second I have 2 boys, job done

mumeeee · 09/11/2011 00:58

When my DD's asked if I FC was real. I just asked them what they thought. DD1 was 7 DD2 10 and DD 3 11 It didn't make any difference to the magic of Christmas. They all still loved to pretend they believed and carried on leaving stuff out for FC and his rain deer. Think it helped that we always said only stocking stuff came from FC.

springydaffs · 09/11/2011 01:21

I've always hotly denied that Santa isn't real. I still get a stocking - Santa loves me too you know (he also has astonishingly good taste I find)

My kids aren't traumatised in the Santa department. My youngest is 21 and the Conversation has never happened. Somehow, they all scraped through without being jeered at.

exoticfruits · 09/11/2011 08:03

but we still have a great time and I don't have to feel guilty about lying to my DC or have to worry about telling them the truth at some point.

I don't feel in the least guilty, just pleased that I did the magic. I wasn't lying, I firmly believe in the magic of Christmas.

mumeeee · 09/11/2011 08:17

Well said exoticfruits. We are Christians but. still love the magic of Christmas.

exoticfruits · 09/11/2011 08:21

Even when they found out it didn't spoil anything, they could understand why it was done and we all carried on regardless. They laugh at me tracking him on Christmas Eve-they know that nothing will change my belief in the magic of Christmas.
(On another thread there were great links to why children need fantasy.)

takeonboard · 09/11/2011 08:27

My DS questioned it when he was 9, he said that everyone at school laughed when someone else mentioned Santa so he kept his mouth shut! He then came home and asked me, much as I knew it was the end of the magic I realised it was time he knew the truth if only to save him from teasing at school.

We still make a a big fuss at xmas and presents are a surpise so not all the magic is lost. Its a part of growing up and we have to face up to it sooner or later he's not my baby any more...

mumeeee · 09/11/2011 08:27

Meala you can do both. Our DD's had stockings from FC and other presents from us and relatives. They also bought presents for us and each other and still do. So they think about each other and also enjoyed some fantasy.

exoticfruits · 09/11/2011 08:31

I think it is very weird if you don't have presents from other people and give presents. The stocking doesn't stop with the belief-it is just extra special with the belief.

StealthPenguin · 09/11/2011 09:44

My brother is 11 and said quite possibly the most adorable thing in the world to me the other day.

"Stealth, I know that there isn't a Santa and I've known for a while, but I don't want to tell Mum because I don't want to spoil Christmas for her"

BLESS! :o

stillfeel18inside · 09/11/2011 09:51

Well DS1 is nearly 13 and we've never had the conversation! He obviously knows though, but we still go through the carrot and mince pies routine every Christmas eve. DS2 (aged 10) I think also probably knows deep down that he's not real but it's part of the fun of Christmas.

mooseloose · 09/11/2011 10:05

My son is year 7 and believes. And he believes in the tooth fairy too. He pulled one out at school the other day! I can't bring myself to tell him.....

mooseloose · 09/11/2011 10:06

Forgot to say, I also do the snow tracks, and bits of carrot chewed up by the door etc.

springydaffs · 09/11/2011 11:58

Why do you have to say it? Surely it's better to keep the pretense going, with a twinkle, as someone said upthread?

exoticfruits · 09/11/2011 13:22

If he is 10yrs old and specifically asks I think that you have to be truthful. You could start with 'are you sure you want to know?' I have never lied, I have just answered questions-such as alternatives when we have no chimney. When he said 'tell me the truth.........' I don't see how you can do anything else-or not when they are 10yrs old.I would hope that by that age they would have an enquiring, scientific mind and read a lot.

seeker · 09/11/2011 13:28

"Also good to trot out "well if you don't believe there won't be any presents" I use that on my dd andnshe's nearly 16!

picnicbasketcase · 09/11/2011 13:37

I've been wondering about this recently, DS is nearly 10 and still believes, or at least he really seems to want to. I've said things to him about going out buying gifts and ask him what he'd like etc, I think he knows deep down. But if the subject is mentioned and I gently say 'Aren't you getting a little bit old for Santa?', he says 'Well, I like believing in it, so I'm going to carry on thinking its true', or words to that effect. If he asked outright, I would have to tell him the truth, but I don't think he wants to know.

dontlikemondays · 09/11/2011 14:58

DS is 11 and was most disappointed that the tooth fairy didn't turn up this week! I winked and gave him £1 from my purse and he moaned "why are you treating me all grown up now?!"

He was with DH ordering his xmas prezzy online so he knows that's frmo us, but there will still be some prezzys from the big man too, and we regularly watch "Polar Express" just before XMas to hammer home the idea that if you don't believe, you don't get any presents ;-)

piratecat · 09/11/2011 15:13

stealth!! thats very sweet of your brother.

dd9 ' well I know that father christmas is real, becuase there is NO way you could come into my room and me not wake up'

i didn't say a word.

BUT, sadly we have had the tooth fairy convo, and she knows I have come into her room and exchanged tooth for pound. Whether she chooses to think on that one and put two and two together is prob only a matter of time. She's my only child and I will be giving non commital answers for as long as i can.

I am not sure how to tell her, if she asks me directly.

another convo recently.

me--'well you'll have to wait and see, I am not sure FC can get hold of that rare expensive Pokemon toy, only available from Hong Kong.

dd9-- ' but mum he's magic, and anyway everything from FC is free'

shite!

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