in wanting to get the "Santa" conversation over with DS aged 10

[kate2mum]

DS is 10. We are big Christmas people. Yes, we leave Santa's footprints in the snow. Yes, Santas hat is found high up in tree in the garden on Xmas morning. Yes, we sneak around in the dark in our own house at 2am on xmas eve.

He specifically asked me the other day if Santa was real. I was of course in the middle of getting dinner ready, baby sisters (both of them) fractious, etc. So I fobbed him off. But I don't want some sort of horrid playground letdown for him.

I think it is time to tell him (and promise never to tell his sisters). But I want to do it in a good way (ie, not while harrassed and put in such a way that he feels we have lied to him HIS WHOLE LIFE (!).

I want to use the opportunity more as a way of explaining belief, hope, trust, etc, human capacity for kindness. Haven't quite formulated this properly yet, as you can tell. And a big ask during teatime meltdowns!!

I was wondering if anyone else has had this conversation, and found a way to make it a positive thing for their child (ie, dd or ds not crumpled in the corner in abject disappoint).

I do kind of feel getting this right is a big deal because it marks the end of that part of his childhood (thank god for his little sisters or I would be weeping right now!).

DS1 discovered father christmas wasn't real at 5. then proceed to tell DD1. and the younger 2 (who didn't get it obviously) but then the 2 of them proceeded to tell the younger 2 every year so by about 5and 6 they knew he wasn't real anyway.

Oh DS1 had sneeked downstairs and seen us putting prezzies out then come morning a very scathing look came our way.

So we only had father christmas is real for 5 years. we still put out mince pie, milk, carrot and whiskey (which i'm sure DS1 and DD1 share because me and DH don't)

But he probably knows deep down that he isn't real. But then things dont have to be real for them to exist. If it was me i would tell him- at 10 yep.

I will NEVER admit he isn't real because I think he is.

duck dogers I didn't tell my DS that FC didn't exsist- he learned from school and older children in our street.

A child of 10 -so in Year 5 or 6- surely must know the truth.
I asked my son to keep his new-found knowledge quiet when my DD was young.As I say, they find out for themselves.

I'd rather have my childs illusions shattered than have him/her going into school at 10 chattering on about elves and rudolph.I can just imagine the seven shades of sh*t that would have been kicked out of me at school and it was many years ago that I was 10.

And slightly off tangent perhaps. My DS is now considered old enough to learn about sex/pregnancy/just saying no/condoms etc by the school.
If they are old enough to know that then surely they know about FC.

BTW I'm the biggest Christmas-aholic in the world.But that's not what this thread is about.
It's about a 10 yo and FC.

I was 10, going in to 11, when I found out. That might make me sound gullible but, as the youngest in the family, I think both my parents and my elder siblings were especially keen to keep me believing because it was more fun for them.

Anytime I had those "I wonder how he does that..." type of questions my sisters would think up some explanation. E.g.

Q. He can't really get down the chimney so how does he get in?
A. I epect he has some sort of skeleton key.

Q. How does his sleigh work with no snow?
A. He has a helicoptor as well

Q. How does he know whether you are asleep
A. He pobably has a machine like you see in the hospital programmes that has a line across that willbe flat when you are asleep

And eventually

Q. How can he get all around the world in one night?
A. Well actually there are more than one and Mum and Dad make an arrangement with just one.

Q. X at school says there is no FC!
A. X's parents can't be bothered to make an arrangement with a Santa and send the presents there.

So you can see our Santa myth had got quite sophisticated over time!

My Mum told me quite casually in the summer before I started secondary school when the subject cropped up one day. She thought I must know by then and if I didn't it would be as well to before I went to the next school. I was gutted!!!

By contrast DD guessed when she was about 6. I think she was starting to have doubts her first Christmas at school but I wanted at least one more believing Christmas so I lied stoutly. However, when she challenged me about it a few months later I told her, with regret.

I would say that if you can get away with one more Christmas then give it a go. Then tell him when Christmas is over.

girl in DD1s year believed until Year 9 when her English class were talking about myths and legends, and the teacher gave some examples of mythical characters... However, everyone was really nice about it apparently, teacher apologised afterwards, and most of the kids thought it was really sweet.

Santa comes to our house every year too.

Keep that magic alive people :-)

There's an important aspect to this question that you are all missing:
what about the feelings of the man himself?!

SSW

My mum still insists he is real. I'm 27.

I don't remember ever truly believing, so I must've been fairly young when I had doubts. I played along though (had younger sisters), until age 10 when the headteacher was speaking to my class and confirmed my suspicions. One girl in the class cried, the rest nodded knowingly.

my DS1 asked on christmas eve as I was tucking him in, I had to admit its me and DH but he really already knew and just wanted confirmation, I was so upset cried for ages he was meh I wont tell DB as hes little and still believes.

Well, thanks everyone. Changed my mind. After doing a very quick, er, scientific count, I have decided to leave telling DS this year. There will be no unbelievers in this house in 2011!
Had been tying myself in knots thinking of appropriate metaphors for Santa (liked that letter link, thanks, might pinch bits for later and make it a bit more english) but now I can concentrate on the important things, like the reindeer harness that's going to fall out of the sky into our garden this year.
DS doesn't have older brothers/sisters/cousins, etc, so no one has been whispering in his ear.

I would think twice if he was still at school, because I agree it could be an issue, but after a lovely church village school until 8, he entered the horror of a Suffolk Middle School. Sex education: "I know why grandma only had one child, she didn't have enough sex". And what with being beaten up daily for coming from London, we decided that was enough sex and violence for Year 5 and pulled him out. So don't have to worry this year about the playground..
Am not normally, er, a home ed type of person, so it is driving me nuts, but that is so a DIFFERENT thread.

I think it's good you decided not to reveal the truth. I can't see the point in spoiling the magic. My parents never told me the truth, I found out from a friend after having my own doubts and I certainly never felt cross with them - just delighted that at 18/20years old I was still getting a stocking!! (filled with camera film, blank cassettes and makeup!)

My DS at 11yrs is not saying whether he believes or doesn't as we have a 6yr old who loves the whole idea/excitement of FC. However I knew he was having doubts as his facial expression gave it away and I didn't want him to worry that he might not get a stocking if he really didn't believe. So i took him aside and said that he had probably heard some of his friends saying they didn't believe FC was real. And that he shouldn't worry about those friends not getting stockings on Christmas day - that even though FC might stop bringing stockings to non-believers, what happened was that for those children parents usually stepped in and did as best they could at a stocking. I said it might not be as good, because FC has really special suppliers but I'm sure those friends would be fine and get some fun things.

He listened really carefully and hasn't mentioned it since so I'm thinking he might still believe or he's relieved that his magic can still continue even if he's having doubts.

This has confirmed my belief in keeping the magic alive.

My eldest is 10 and has just started having doubts about the big man.

We sat and watched polar express (my favourite film, cry everytime).
Great film about a child who is not sure.
I explained I could not answer her questions because no one really knows how he does it.
I am really struggling letting go of this part of her childhood (no problem talking about sex and periods).
I will make sure she does not go to high school being a believer because I agree this could leed to problems.
Note to christmas fakers don't use gravy browning to make reindeer footprints on your kitchen floor, it stains lino.

He knows.

I bet he knows.

He asked because he wanted to see if you would confirm it.

But he knows that there is not actually a fat man in a red outfit who delivers presents via flying reindeer.

I was 9 when I realised there was no Father Christmas - because I recognised my mum's handwriting on the tag! I remember it vividly, and if it hadn't been for that I am sure I would have gone on believing for a good while longer. I was an innocent .

I want my DSs to have the magic of it all for as long as possible, and was livid with next-door's DD recently when she told DS1 (5.9) that the tooth fairy isn't real, it's your mum and dad who put the coin under your pillow. Interfering baggage .

He knows-he must do at 10yrs.
My DS was similar, but younger. He had asked lots of questions on previous Christmases, with showed that he really guessed but wasn't really ready. When he asked me outright I told him the truth. He wasn't upset, I can't see why he would be.If he is old, enough and sensible enough, (and you did it well), he is sensible enough to know that you loved him enough to make the magic and fun. You did not lie, you entered make believe, something all DCs need IMO.

flicktheswitch your DD is ace! :o

I tried to test the waters with my 6 year old ds, especially as my neighbour's kid already (age 5) told him that Santa doesn't exist. So I said:

"How would you feel if there was no Santa DS?"

DS took my hand reassuringly and said, "Mum, as long as you believe in Santa, there will always be a Santa." Patted me on the head and then walked away.

Now I'm not sure if he believes in Santa or not, or if he is just humouring me.

I think they do a lot of humouring!
I would be a bit worried if a 10yr old wasn't questioning it.

As long as you believe in Santa, there will always be a Santa was my stock answer

(and is true really..isn't it?)

My dd was told rather unkindly by an older child this summer when she was nearly 9. I have to say though that I brushed it off at the time but promised myself that if she asked me again outright I would tell the truth. She did ask me a few days later and I gently told her that it was us and not Santa. I don't know, I just didn't feel right lying to her about it so blatantly. She was very sad though.

In the blog someone linked to earlier...there was a nice idea in that the writer had told her DD that he is real in that he is the spirit of Christmas and that he make it all happen in one way....

Easy not to have this problem by not doing the whole Santa thing anyway. I will never tell my DC (6 and 4) that Santa brings presents and Christmas is no less magical to them than to any others. We have a wonderful time as a family knowing that we have thought about what each other would like as a gift, no need for Santa here .

I realise I'm in the vast minority with this opinion but we still have a great time and I don't have to feel guilty about lying to my DC or have to worry about telling them the truth at some point.