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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think it would be nice if what I wanted mattered?

30 replies

Oakmaiden · 07/11/2011 22:28

This is all very hypothetical, and probably a bit silly, but I am slightly miffed, really. My husband and I were playing "what would we do if we won the lottery tomorrow" - as you do. But frankly, it turns out that what we would be doing is, as always, what HE wants to do.

We have always lived in his home town - I didn't previously, but moved there when we got married as he worked there and it was sensible. My parents live over 100 miles away. We have recently moved even further away from my parents (and, in fairness, his) because he was made redundant and then was offered a job several hundred miles away. So we moved.

Anyway - apparently if we DID win the lottery we would be moving back to his home. I said -- "Well, since we are being all hypothetical and talking about winning £10 million, we will get a house in (the country my parent's live in and my childhood home) too." To be told, "well, if you are going to be moving there, you will be on your own with the children. I'm not coming."

Whilst this isn't worth actually having a row about, as it was only daydreaming anyway, I am a bit pissed off about his attitude. How come our life has to be the one HE wants, and never the one I want? I would love to live in a smallholding in the countryside, preferably within a couple of hours drive of where my parents live as I completely adore the area. He wants to live in his home town. NO discussion or maybe or compromise - just it needs to be his way.

Even where we live now is where HE wants to be rather than where I want to be - again under the guise of "it is more convenient for work" - but he can't claim this with the "if we won..." game.

As I said, silly and probably dull, but it just makes me feel like a very second class member of this family....

OP posts:
Oakmaiden · 07/11/2011 22:31

ps Please don't tell me "if this is all you have to worry about" - it is not, of course, but it is my grump for the day. If that is OK?

OP posts:
CailinDana · 07/11/2011 22:34

Is your husband generally a bit bossy and pushy? Because that's how he sounds here. I mean if it was just a hypothetical game then he could have just said "Oh yeah we'd buy a house there too," and leave it at that, the "you will be on your own with the children thing" sounds like a very mean and unnecessary dig. Is he always that mean?

MenopausalHaze · 07/11/2011 22:36

I'm not sure if you're being U or not but when I play this game with my OH we both agree, cordially, that we will live on different continents and meet up occasionally for lunch! Works for me!

Grin
WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 07/11/2011 22:46

YANB. He sounds completely selfish and a pain to live with.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 07/11/2011 22:48

I find it strange when people want to spend their whole lives in their home town. So unadventurous and safe.

He does sound mean though and like he doesn't consider your feelings at all. What is your home country?

Oakmaiden · 07/11/2011 22:48

I don't know if I would use the words mean, bossy OR pushy about him. Just stubborn.

I guess this is the thing - it was just pretend - couldn't he have just said "yes, that's great we'll do that". It's not like he will ever have to actually DO it, as we never will really have the money to. But I am not even allowed my daydreams if they don't suit him.

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Oakmaiden · 07/11/2011 22:49

I didn't mean "country" - that was a typo. I mean county - Devon. Though we are in Wales at the moment.

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WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 07/11/2011 22:51

Devons lovely! Why does he have a problem with it?

It doesn't matter that this is pretend, it's his attitude towards you.

I don't see that stubborness sums it up. It doesn't make sense to be stubborn about spending the rest of your life living in one place, it just sounds sad and pathetic.

Oakmaiden · 07/11/2011 22:51

I did suggest we could get a helicopter and commute between the two locations, but apparently that was just silly Grin

OP posts:
Oakmaiden · 07/11/2011 22:52

Mind you - I love Wales too - wouldn't mind staying here either... but apparently he needs to be in England. And not Devon.

Would I be unreasonable to divorce him if we did win the lottery, and move where I bloody well want?

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CailinDana · 07/11/2011 22:55

Divorce him before you win it, then you don't have to share Grin

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 07/11/2011 22:56

Where is this town he loves so much?

And no you wouldn't be unreasonable to divorce him! Grin

HauntyMython · 07/11/2011 22:56

YANBU, many a true word said in jest IMO - maybe it was only daydreaming but it shows his true nature.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 07/11/2011 22:57

HauntyMython I agree.

Oakmaiden · 07/11/2011 23:01

And whilst I'm in a complaining mood - he snores, and I'm not allowed to complain about it or he will sulk.

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Oakmaiden · 07/11/2011 23:01

AND he only ever empties the dustbin if it is actually bin day.

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WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 08/11/2011 13:11

He sounds like a general sulker. That must be very irritating.

How about just saying "oh pack in the sulking, it makes you look like a pathetic prick, grow the fuck up or grow the fuck straight out the door!" . . . . bit harsh?

EssexGurl · 08/11/2011 13:49

Sorry, sounds to me like there are deeper issues here which have just been highlighted by this discussion.

SamWidgiz · 08/11/2011 14:10

Let it run for a few more pages, then show him this thread.

Oakmaiden · 08/11/2011 14:23

There are. Deeper issues, I mean. But not deep enough to really matter in the long run. It doesn't help that I am absolutely terrified of conflict, and thus will go a mile out of my way to avoid starting a fight (even a verbal disagreement). And that I know I am also far from perfect, so I will avoid pointing out other's imperfections just they incase they come back at me with a list of mine.

When I am perfect I will be able to complain....

OP posts:
grovel · 08/11/2011 14:26

Make sure YOU buy the lottery tickets, not him.

rabbitfeet · 08/11/2011 15:57

Sounds like he expects to be in charge and will blackmail you to get it. Is he the main breadwinner? Does he think that what he says goes?

TeWihara · 08/11/2011 16:08

In answer to your OP: what you want DOES matter, don't let him get away with even hypothetically saying otherwise.

ItWasABoojum · 08/11/2011 16:11

He sounds very old-fashioned. On your own with the kids? Are they not his children too? Really nasty, selfish attitude. Not that you wouldn't want the kids, of course, but he seems to think that they're your thing and making financial decisions is his.

TheSkiingGardener · 08/11/2011 16:13

No YANBU. He is being an arse. Belittling what you want compared to what he wants shows his opinion of you. It may just be that he is very self-centred, and can't see it.

In your shoes I would be making sure that there are some things about your joint life that are your choice not his. How he reacts to that will tell you a lot about him.

I predict that we will have reached the conclusion of "Leave him" by post 58, with an accusation of abusive behaviour by post 76.

He's probably lovely as well!

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