to think it would be nice if what I wanted mattered?

[Oakmaiden]

This is all very hypothetical, and probably a bit silly, but I am slightly miffed, really. My husband and I were playing "what would we do if we won the lottery tomorrow" - as you do. But frankly, it turns out that what we would be doing is, as always, what HE wants to do.

We have always lived in his home town - I didn't previously, but moved there when we got married as he worked there and it was sensible. My parents live over 100 miles away. We have recently moved even further away from my parents (and, in fairness, his) because he was made redundant and then was offered a job several hundred miles away. So we moved.

Anyway - apparently if we DID win the lottery we would be moving back to his home. I said -- "Well, since we are being all hypothetical and talking about winning £10 million, we will get a house in (the country my parent's live in and my childhood home) too." To be told, "well, if you are going to be moving there, you will be on your own with the children. I'm not coming."

Whilst this isn't worth actually having a row about, as it was only daydreaming anyway, I am a bit pissed off about his attitude. How come our life has to be the one HE wants, and never the one I want? I would love to live in a smallholding in the countryside, preferably within a couple of hours drive of where my parents live as I completely adore the area. He wants to live in his home town. NO discussion or maybe or compromise - just it needs to be his way.

Even where we live now is where HE wants to be rather than where I want to be - again under the guise of "it is more convenient for work" - but he can't claim this with the "if we won..." game.

As I said, silly and probably dull, but it just makes me feel like a very second class member of this family....

But that's awful Oakmaiden! Not even being able to have a verbal disagreement! Have you thought about assertiveness training, counselling or CBT etc? You need to be able to say how you feel/what you want in this world.

On your own with the kids? Are they not his children too?

That's a good point actually, I didn't even notice that. I know it's hypothetical but the fact that he could hypothetically give up his children is worrying. He makes it sound as though being on your own "with the kids" would be a bad thing, actually though it could be great and maybe even preferable to being with him. You should point that out . . . . hypothetically of course.

'whose' I find it strange when people want to spend their whole lives in their home town. So unadventurous and safe.
I wish I lived in my home town. I've lived away more than half my life and my home town one of the nicest, safest place I have ever been to.
Why would I want to live anywhere else?

He is the main wage earner - and was initially very controlling with regards to money etc. Over the course of 17 years things have changed there though, and to be honest I am in control of the money now - I do the budgeting (and most of the spending too!) On the other hand he does always have the last say with regards to any sizeable purchase. I make suggestions, and he makes the "yes or no" decision. Maybe that is compromise - but it doesn't feel like it. It feels like he says no to everything until I suggest something he wanted in the first place.

But yes, the children are very much my job too (and always have been, really, whether I am being a SAHM or working full time. My job is never as important as his, and sorting the children is always my job. Which isn't to say he won't help - but ?I have to plan it and tell him when he needs to be doing the school run etc.

He's OK though - hew does have some blind spots, but don't we all? In the end - I know he is there for me when the chips are down, so to speak. I know I can trust him, and that he is loyal and honest.

Oakmaiden I think I used to be a lot like you. I would allow ex boyfriends to make all the decisions and just go along with it. A lot of the time I was happy with that but I did find that they got used to things being that way, so if I had something I wanted to do or felt strongly about I wasn't listened to. Over the years I realised that I put my needs last and that I did actually have the right to prioritise myself and my feelings so I started making changes.

It doesn't have to be over night or anything, it was just a slow realisation that my opinion mattered as much as theirs and I started voicing my opinions more confidently and strongly. Now finally in my current (long term) relationship I feel equal and feel treated equal. It's taken a long bloody time but I am very glad I did it.

I did have counselling to get there though and learnt through that where it stemmed from. It was during my childhood when my family pretty much taught me that my needs came last. It took a lot of sessions to undo that and it's not over night, the counselling sowed the seeds.