Quick advice on how to deal with her please?

[laluna]

Friend and I have had a fairly long term arrangement for a shopping day tomorrow. We both work shifts and this was a rare opportunity to spend the day together - childcare arranged etc. Really looking forward to it til 10 mins ago when she texts me to say that x will be joining us. I have known x for sometime and she is really good friends with shopping friend. However, over the years I have made the decision to distance myself from her. I find her negative, rude, a bit self centred, a show off and generally one of those drain type people. She really gets me down. Don't want her to come. Not sure what to do - feel disappointed and a bit peeved.

There's not much you can do, is there? If it's really ruined for you now, I suppose you could back out and explain why. At least it won't happen twice.

You can't push your friend to uninvite her, but you can drop out yourself and explain why - then she'll know another time. But I can see why you're disappointed when you were looking forward to it.

Oh dear. This is a hard one. Can't you explain to your friend why you don't want her to come?

Well, your friend cannot uninvite, so you either go along and suck it up, or bail out.

Text back and say something along the lines of something's come up last-minute and now can't make it - but you're glad she'll have company.

Leave it to others to read between the lines.

Don't go & tell her why, then go and do something else you would really enjoy since you've got childcare arranged

I would be well hacked off if someone did that to me

Just tell the truth - you're sorry as you were looking forward to the day, but you don't want to spend time with X and will see your friend another time.
(Then find something nice to do instead)

Thanks - been helpful

Go. Be pleasant and try not to throttle her get wound up and enjoy your day as much as you can. Then, after it's over tell your friend nicely that you won't be going out with x again as you can't abide her. No hard feelings but no thanks iyswim.

Hate being pushed into spending precious freetime with numpties but it has to be done sometimes. Unfortunately.

It's just shopping I'm sure you'll cope for a few hours

I wouldn't go. Life's too short to spend the day with someone you don't like that you aren't related to without a very good reason. It depends on your shopping friend whether I'd tell her the truth or just make up an excuse.

Go somewhere else and enjoy a bit of peaceful shopping!

MyDadWasADB - yes, sometimes it has to be done, in this case it doesn't Avoid it when you can.

Worra - why do it though, if you don't want to? There are enough things we have to do in life that we don't want to, why do something you don't want to and don't have to? Daft if you ask me.

YANBU. Your friend is inconsiderate not to have consulted you first. Even if the third person was someone you like, a shopping expedition with 3 people is a lot more hassle than 2 as it can involve a lot more hanging about if people are trying on clothes, shoes etc.

I would text back 'that's a shame was looking forward to spending time with you. Never mind, we'll do it another time, have fun with X' and nothing else. Makes your position clear and can't be considered bitchy.

Or go, if you really want to shop, but if she's as bad as you say, you might be better off making your stand now.

I'm trying to put myself in the shoes of shopping friend. I think I'd react in the way you would want me to the most if you put:

"I've not really been on the best of terms with X as of late. Don't want to put you in an uncomfortable position, its not a massive issue but I think its better if I give it a swerve on this occasion. No hard feelings though and would love to reschedule with you for another time"

If I was shopping friend, I'd realise that I'd made a bit of a boob, but not feel too terrible as you're clearly ok about things, and know not you mix you and X in the future.

Do let us know what you do!!!

I meant to add, if I got a text like Sue's I'd think oh shit I've really upset laluna, and feel really uncomfortable about how to react. It just seems a bit prickly to me in text form whereas you could say those words in person with a warm smile and they could come across completely fine.

I am quite prickly Vivi . I agree, speak to the woman but I know that nobody actually talks about these things any more so I don't even bother suggesting that.

speak to people? Like with your voice?

No. Does not compute. Literally

Agree with SuePurblyb1lt's advice. It's not very nice of your friend to do this. I think I'd rather go shopping on my own than waste my long awaited shopping day with somebody I don't want to spend time with.

I'd be honest with your friend and tell her you were really looking forward to day with her, but don't at all fancy day out with X. Shame but you'll pass this time thanks. And then I'd take myself out shopping and to a lovely lunch!

I hope your friend realises she's made a mistake and uninvite X!

I wouldn't send Sue's text. Just because if I got that text I'd think 'Huh? You WILL be spending time with me' and I think it would come across as a bit weird and needy - like you don't want to share her or something.
If she is a good friend could you say that between you and her it would be a bit awkward as you have been avoiding x but you'd love to meet her on her own or with other, nice, people another time?

I think I'd just say "Sorry, that's not going to work for me. You two go and you and I can arrange another time."

And if she asks you why - tell her.

Life is too short to saddle yourself with someone you dislike.

Your friend was quite rude to invite someone along to an arrangement the two of you had without asking if you fancied having X along too.