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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

It must be approaching Christmas because I'm feeling left out - AIBU?

41 replies

duvetdayplease · 07/11/2011 11:20

OK, I really need to know if I am being unreasonable, this has been doing my head in for a few months but I guess I have just squashed it away.

In summer hols Sister2 showed me where she has booked for her family (husband + 2 kids) to go for Christmas. She explained she has wanted a Christmas away for ages but couldn't as her husband often works. I said oh that's nice etc etc.

Sister2 then told me 'Yes, it's great, I've booked one big enough for Mum and Dad to go, and Sister1'.

So instead of being able to see any of my family around Christmas, my Sister2 has taken them all away. We have the last couple of years had them here on boxing day but it looks like it won't be possible for them to come this year (they could but my sister would rather we met somewhere for a day out instead. My dad has told me he was pretty miffed as he was just told he's going, but he never rocks any boats so he'll go along with it.

AIBU to be upset not to be included/invited and for this to have been decided? Both my sisters are a lot older than me and I feel like I'm treated like a child, despite being in my thirties with two kids. I honestly don't know if it is normal for families to operate in this way, it's all I've known really. It's definitely not what I do with friends etc.

If I'm not being unreasonable, what the flipping heck do I do about it?

OP posts:

renaldo · 07/11/2011 11:26

Thats really mean of her

miku · 07/11/2011 11:27

yanbu.
but do you want to go with them? if so, be up front and ask if you can go.
i think a lot of upset comes from assumptions, in that maybe she thought you wouldnt want to go-expense, etc.

MrBloomsNursery · 07/11/2011 11:28

Does Sister1 have a family? Or is she single?

Maybe she thought seeing as you have a family you might want a Christmas with jusr your husband and kids?

belledechocchipcookie · 07/11/2011 11:28

Can't you speak to your sister and ask how she's intending on getting your parents to your house on Boxing Day?

Original poster

duvetdayplease · 07/11/2011 11:33

We probably can't afford to go. I think she's paying for the cottage for the others, definitely for my sister as she has no cash at the moment.

Her dog tried to bite my toddler once (when he was little) so she did make some vague reference to me not being able to go because of her dog.

OP posts:

Original poster

duvetdayplease · 07/11/2011 11:37

Sister1 has no family, no. We usually have Christmas Day on our own but see family before or after, most often on Boxing Day.

OP posts:

DamnBamboo · 07/11/2011 11:38

Why on earth would she do this?
Do you generally get along? Is it accepted that you will all spend boxing day at your house.
I think it's really rotten of her and I think you should say something.

miku · 07/11/2011 11:38

it hurts, big family do (confused) but maybe just take it as a year to do something different, and have a BRILLIANT one!

miku · 07/11/2011 11:39

family's in fact

fedupofnamechanging · 07/11/2011 11:40

I can see why you feel a bit left out, but truthfully, you've dodged a bullet. You get to spend Christmas with your dh and dc (many people would kill for this) and not have to accommodate loads of relatives. (I know I am sounding very 'Bah Humbug' about Christmas - sorry).

I think she probably just made some thoughtless assumptions and didn't mean anything by it.

miku · 07/11/2011 11:41

and confused was supposed to be a wry face.....(shuffles off)

Original poster

duvetdayplease · 07/11/2011 11:42

DamnBamboo - I don't know what to say. I don't understand how it has happened but over last few years my sister has started to control the whole family. I mean, she booked this in August, and presented it as a fait accompli.

OP posts:

DamnBamboo · 07/11/2011 11:44

You need to call her on it.
If nobody challenges her, she'll think it's ok and continue to do things her way.
Agree with belle ask her how she plans to get your parents to yours for boxing day. See what she says

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 07/11/2011 11:44

I can't believe your Mum and Dad have actually agreed! Have you got a partner?

And is she seriously saying that her DOG i more important than you???

miku · 07/11/2011 11:46

it is worth telling her that she has upset you and you feel left out.
you owe it to yourself, but also you owe it to yourself to have a great time with your immediate family anyway.

fedupofnamechanging · 07/11/2011 11:47

Well, you could raise the issue with your parents and sister and say that it would be nice to be consulted and invited. Perhaps your parents feel obligated and raising the issue will give them an 'out', if they want one.

Christmas is such a mine field. My parents and sister are coming to me. My mum has also invited my nan, to my house and it hasn't even occurred to her that perhaps she ought to have asked me first. Will also have MIl and her partner (who is a virtual stranger to me) here. I wish all mine would bugger off to a hotel and leave me to it.

AMumInScotland · 07/11/2011 11:50

Why do the rest of the faily allow her to do this though? You say your dad didn't get a choice but just goes along with things. But what about the others? Do they act like this generally, or are they all being wimps and letting her have her own way because its easier?

I'd say the best revenge is to have a great Christmas without them, and enjoy having the freedom to do things that you want to do. But if you are feeling hurt and left out then that's easier said than done!

You could also ask "Oh how are you getting over to us for Boxing Day then?" as if it was obvious they'll be coming as usual, to make them think it through a bit.

Original poster

duvetdayplease · 07/11/2011 11:50

I invited the three groups (parents/Sis1/Sis2+family) to mine for boxing day by email. Sis2 explained to me is all very complicated getting to mine as they have to car share blah blah blah. I mumbled something pathetic about 'maybe we should just go out for the day instead' and now she thinks yes and that's what we are doing. I get steamrollered all the bloody time, and I just cave.

But at the heart of it all is if each family unit were all in their respective houses (or even all in one of their houses) we could make normal arrangements as we all live close enough together, but she's hoicked them off to this cottage further away.

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadow · 07/11/2011 11:52

So are you saying that sister 2 and family, and sister 1, as well as your parents should not go away over Christmas because your parents usually come for dinner to you on one of the days over the Christmas period?

It would be mean of you to stop them! It is not that they dont want to see you, they do, just not for dinner at your house! Yabu, most gently.

Dont be rigid, time to make some new traditions maybe!

Original poster

duvetdayplease · 07/11/2011 11:52

My mum unfortunately is a whole other shade of nightmare. And my dad, he just doesn't stand up to anyone. If I ring him and moan he'll agree with me, but where will that get me?

OP posts:

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 07/11/2011 11:56

It would NOT be mean of her quint one sister has efectvely left her out of it! OP do you have a partner to be with?

tripleZ · 07/11/2011 12:01

Could your parents be moaning to her about not seeing you and their DGC on Christmas day and having to wait till boxing day so she decided to do something family orientated with rest of family?

Or is she always leaving you out of stuff?

Original poster

duvetdayplease · 07/11/2011 12:02

Yes, I have husband and two kids so won't be alone. And we can have a good time I'm sure. But, still .

OP posts:

tripleZ · 07/11/2011 12:08

If everyone going on the holiday is happy then is nothing you can do.

Perhaps arrange to meet you parents on New years day or before/after holiday and think of something good for your family to do boxing day to take your mind of it or just enjoy not having to rush round or host.

Ephiny · 07/11/2011 12:12

It sounds an odd and horrible thing to do, not normal at all, especially if everyone just went along with it and didn't question you being left out!

Try not to let it get to you though. You're in your 30s with a family of your own, focus your energies on them and on having a nice time. My experience is that weird/annoying/unpleasant relatives never change, there comes a point where you have just let them get on with it and stay emotionally detached.

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