It must be approaching Christmas because I'm feeling left out - AIBU?

[duvetdayplease]

OK, I really need to know if I am being unreasonable, this has been doing my head in for a few months but I guess I have just squashed it away.

In summer hols Sister2 showed me where she has booked for her family (husband + 2 kids) to go for Christmas. She explained she has wanted a Christmas away for ages but couldn't as her husband often works. I said oh that's nice etc etc.

Sister2 then told me 'Yes, it's great, I've booked one big enough for Mum and Dad to go, and Sister1'.

So instead of being able to see any of my family around Christmas, my Sister2 has taken them all away. We have the last couple of years had them here on boxing day but it looks like it won't be possible for them to come this year (they could but my sister would rather we met somewhere for a day out instead. My dad has told me he was pretty miffed as he was just told he's going, but he never rocks any boats so he'll go along with it.

AIBU to be upset not to be included/invited and for this to have been decided? Both my sisters are a lot older than me and I feel like I'm treated like a child, despite being in my thirties with two kids. I honestly don't know if it is normal for families to operate in this way, it's all I've known really. It's definitely not what I do with friends etc.

If I'm not being unreasonable, what the flipping heck do I do about it?

Triplez - I can't really answer your question. She doesn't leave me out of stuff, more she leaves me out of decision-making. So I would usually be invited to the stuff arranged, but she is a fast worker and organises events at the times/places to suit her, she doesn't really discuss and compromise. I have noticed this has got worse the last couple of years, she has bought a big house and is working hard and she is a bit 'BUSY PERSON COMING THROUGH' about everything now.

I think it's very mean. It's considered rude to not invite all the children in the class bar one to a party, so why is it ok to invite all the sisters bar one to a family holiday?

OTOH I don't think there's anything you can do - you invited everyone to yours for Boxing Day and they declined. You can't invite yourself on the holiday. So I think that, practically speaking, you just have to make the best of it for this year.

But I think I would say something to the rest of the family about being unhappy about how this has panned out. Unless relatives are hideously toxic, it's really not ok to have "family" Christmases that exclude one member of that family and her DC/DH.

It is very mean. Resend the Boxing Day invite to everyone, not just the bossy sis and then let them sort it out between themselves. You could mention that as you won't be with then Christmas day it would be nice for them all to come to you on Boxing Day Sit back, and watch the sparks fly.

You could try getting in first next year - and possibly trying to get across to her how disappointed this year you are to everyone.

TBH if she is so busy and so important that she doesn't have to consider others - I think that is probably not going to change easily.

and possibly trying to get across to her and everyone else how disappointed this year you are.

Though scaryteacher plan sound like a good one.

Mean. But don't cave any more, if they are going to be like this (I say they because they're all going along with it) then you just tell them tour plans, invite them and if they flap and fuss stand your ground. Don't end up doing something you're not sold on just to see them.

It's not ok for one member of the family to always have things arranged to suit them - but if they're the most "organisey" type, it is difficult - if they are the organiser/host, you can't really try and change their plans after the invitations have been issued.

Have you thought about issuing an invitation for e.g. Easter for everyone to come round to yours? If you are the host, it's easier for you to stay in charge of things. It's also fairer - IMO it's easier to host things than it is to take your small children to other people's houses, so everyone should take a turn at being the person who has to drag their ass and their kids to someone else's place (and not get to drink cos they're driving)

The sister said she had wanted to go away for Christmas for years, and this year she has a chance. What is stopping OP also renting a cottage nearby?
I dont think it is fair to expect that the others dont go, if they would like to, just so they could go for dinner at ops house.

I think it was that my sis2 booked the cottage to accommodate the others, then told them, then told me. If she'd either gone off alone or invited everyone, I wouldn't have any issue.

Quint - no reason why the sister shouldn't get her Christmas away. I think it's totally fair that everyone takes a turn at having their style of Christmas. But she should IMO have invited the whole family to go with her, and not excluded one sister. If I were the OP, I don't think I'd want to rent a cottage nearby when I hadn't been invited to share the main cottage with the rest of the family - I would feel too awkward, it seems a bit like inviting oneself to a party.

Yes, I do feel like I'm left out at a school party or something! Its horrid, and I feel a little weird about it all.

Can you talk to your mum about how it has made you feel? That everybody but you have been invited to spend Christmas together, thus snubbing your dinner invite?

Quint - v good point about the sister effectively overriding your invitation (I think you said you'd invited them all first before this cottage arrangement was made). Not cricket to send out invitations that try to override or change existing arrangements. That is exactly the kind of thing my SIL tries to do and the only way we've found to deal with it is for everyone to stick to the original plan and for her to either attend (or, often, not) as she pleases.

Ouch! YANBU at all. My (now ex) sister in law used to do this to me - arrange for all the rest of my family to go somewhere. I'd find out by accident, often after the fact. It really hurt.

I did speak to my mum & dad and sister about it in the end and they knew to invite me themselves as my SIL wouldn't have done. Would your other sister be someone you could speak to - so next time something like this is arranged she can speak up at the time and say 'we should invite sister 3 as well'?

I think in your case maybe go for a half jokey - 'thanks for the invite sis'. Make it clear that you feel left out, call them on their behaviour.

Unfortunately neither my mum or sis1 any use. My sis1 has just been diagnosed with MH issue and has a lot on her mind. My mum, well, just no way really. Mum's a whole other type of nightmare.

Its sounds like I should be well shot of them but I like to see my family a bit at Christmas. I will miss seeing my sister's kids, and I'm sad mine won;t see my parents.