AIBU to be getting so worked up by overbearing in laws?

[Newmummytobe79]

Sorry for long post - just want to know if my feelings are unreasonable!

I've always had a good relationship with my in laws (PIL and SIL + family) and loved spending time with them (albeit not that often) but since having our DC I'm getting very stressed by them and their overbearing behaviour. I think it stems from SIL not having a great relationship with her inlaws and they're afraid the same will happen with us.

I had a bad birth and have had trouble bonding with DC but am now head over heels in love with DC (7 weeks old). I have always handed baby over to in laws on visits so I am not being over protective.

My MIL is very competitive and has done a few things to upset me and my mum.

It all began when PIL turned up during visiting hours - whilst I was in labour! They then rang my parents to tell them 'how well I was doing' which annoyed my mum as she knew my DH and I wanted to be alone during the birth and respected our wishes.

DC was born via ECS in the early hours, MIL rang my mum to ask if she was going to see me that evening. When my mum let her know she'd be coming to see me at the lunchtime visiting session she said 'oh yes - we're going then too' and rushed to the hospital. I find this very strange and can't understand why she tried to suggest my mum wait until the evening to see her daughter and meet her grandchild. (my parents 1st grandchild - PIL have a number of grandchildren)

There have been a lot of things since including me having to make endless cups of tea during visits so they could sit there and coo over DC, and the moment they found out my sibling and partner had taken baby out in the pram (once around the block!) - they pretty much wheeled DC out of the house on their arrival!

I've always handed baby over to them as soon as they arrive (think DC would be snatched from me if I didn't!) and been as nice as possible but their overbearing ways are now keeping me awake at night - even when DC is sleeping!

My in laws talk to my child in baby voices which drives me mad and one time MIL spent ages (in front of me!) prizing my sleeping childs fingers apart and then back around her finger to shout out - look, DC has grabbed my hand!

This part is petty I know, but I've spent lots of time looking at '1st' items for our DC but to be beaten to buying them by SIL. I know she's being thoughtful but I feel like I'm just the nappy buyer.

I'm also breastfeeding and have been bought bottle brushes by MIL and had comments from SIL about how hard I must be finding it - they make me feel selfish that I'm feeding my DC and they can't.

They get to see DC once or twice a week and I get daily texts asking about DC. If I don't reply within a couple of hours the same text is sent again!

SIL must have told them that I was visiting my parents so the same night they turned up unannounced when my DH and I were spending time with DC after a day full of visitors (including SIL and familiy). My DH works long hours and must have held our DC for 10 minutes that day. It's just all getting a bit too much.

There are loads of other examples, but I won't bore you all, and I know they are excited about DC and want to spend as much time with baby as possible but it's driving me mad and I now feel uneasy with them turning up unannounced.

My mum visits often to help me with housework and shopping - and of course to see our DC, but they don't seem to be able to differenciate between my mum helping me and her 'hogging' their grandchild.

I don't want to discuss this with DH yet as I would be heartbroken if he felt this way about my parents so don't want to put on him. He knows his mum is 'hard work' and often comments about things she's said or done but I don't want to air my feelings to him ... yet.

Am I being unreasonable?

I think you ARE going to have to talk to DH. And he is going to have to have to tell them to back off as you are finding it just overwhelming.
If this isnt addressed now it isnt going to go away - it will get worse and resentment and anger will just just build up.

the competitive grandparenting is also utterly tedious and really needs to be nipped in the bud.

I think hints and looks won't cut it, and someone is going to have to say something clearly and calmly.

YANBU to be getting worked up, but YABU if you don't tell your DH. You have to deal with it now while you are still able to be relatively calm, instead of burying your feelings until you can take no more and explode.

It doesn't have to cause a row or anything major, but your DH should tell your in laws to give you a bit of space and stop turning up unnanounced.

Yes and no. It's lovely that your ILs are so interested, and I think you'll value that later on. But at the moment you're still in the newborn fog and it's totally normal to feel super protective of your baby. Now is the time to set boundaries with your PILs and your DH is going to be instrumental in that. You need to talk to him and tell him exactly how you feel. Be gentle but don't mince your words, let him know that while you appreciate his mum and sister's interest they are overstepping the line and stressing you out. You are going through a big change in your life and you don't need to be dealing with this sort of thing now.

He needs to have a chat to them about how you feel. He needs to tell them to basically show you more respect - you're the mother and you are the gatekeeper for all contact with DC. They need to stop their anti-bf comments and they need to ask you to have time with DC, not just turn up and grab him.

Each incident you mentioned is pretty harmless on its own but taken together and coupled with the fact that you are getting used to being a parent it's no wonder it's stressing you out.

YANBU. Their behaviour is bordering on harassment.

"no" is a full sentence
"sorry, it's not convenient right now"

practice in front of the mirror.
and yes, tell your dh how you feel.

oh, and turn your phone and the doorbell off if you feel like a duvet day with your lovely baby!

If your DH finds her hard work for the little time he is in her company - then surely he must be helped to realise that you are finding her unbearable?

Your should tell your dh. He needs to sit down and have a chat with them, and tell them to give you all some space. If you want the situation changed then you have to tell him.

I really feel for you, you shouldn't have this precious time ruined by their petty meddling. They are being childish, and you are being forced into stressful situations because of their behaviour and that is not on.

Tbh sometimes I think the DH in these situations has it right- years of dealing with petty childish parents have led them to just ignoring and letting it wash over them (presumbaly this is learnt from years of trying to deal with them) If you can do this whilst being authoratitive then I think you're winning. Never forget YOU are the One suffering from this so don't worry about appearing selfish.
If they arenot passive agressives you may be Able to have a frank conversation highlighing all this. If they are, don't bother- just protect yourself.

Yep.
If DH is working long hours he is not seeing all this. He needs to be made aware and to step in here.
In the meantime, re the constant texting - its ridiculous - presumably turnng off your phone will send them into panic mode and they will turn up at the door. So when they text next, reply with all fine - I am taking it easy today and won't be asnwering any more calls. Why don't you pop in on Thursday (say...)

Your post is ringing alarm bells in my ears!! I am 38 weeks pregnant and forseeing a very similar future once DC arrives. I have just added my own post before seeing this and although sorry for your plight, am relieved that someone else has similar feelings.

I love my PIL, but since being pregnant they have been so overbearing and the things they have said about when DC arrives and the way they have behaved so far is making me panic...like you, I have been sitting awake at night trying to figure out the best way to approach the subject with DH without offending him - I let the resentment build up, got so overwrought with the whole thing. When I tried to talk to him about it, I was so emotional - I couldnt explain it properly and ended up offending him. He did understand that his family are 'full on'...but apart from comforting me, didnt actually help me come up with any solution to my worries. You need to speak to your DH asap before you end up doing the same.

My MIL was very upset when I explained that I only wanted my own mum and DH to be at the birth. Like your PIL, they already have a grandchild, and were all at the birth (it was her DIL giving birth, not even her daughter), which I did not want!! I did explain why it was important to have my mum there. She understood my reasons, but was obviously upset. And she continues to ask me what 'we' were going to do about the labour. It exhausts me having to explain. And I feel so guilty when I feel I neednt!! It's my choice who is with me when I'm in labour!!

I have also asked my mum to come to stay for a few days after DC arrives, just so I can get used to breastfeeding and have the extra support around the house. Like you, MIL is upset about this and dosnt seem to understand that it is to support me, not to hog the baby! I again end up feeling guilty. I really do not want them to feel left out, so have helped them to feel included in other ways, preparing for the baby & planning MIL annual leave later in the year so she can spend more time with us. I have no intention of freezing them out! And I have explained how important it is for me to establish the breastfeeding and I need my mum there to help. Yet my PIL keep talking about what formula to use, buying me brushes and bottles and how they cannot wait to feed him. I feel, like you, that they just want to get their hands on him and feed him themselves. My BIL is also taking a week off work after DC arrives - I have no idea why, and am panicking that he will be turning up every day!! Of course I expect visitors, but I really want to keep it calm, and have some peace and quiet - I only expect my own sister to pop round once or twice at the most in that first week!!

I know I am lucky to have such a caring family but on the other hand, I am really struggling to be diplomatic and manage this situation. I am afraid that I dont have a solution to your problem - but I can say that I understand how you're feeling and DONT think you're being unreasonable. I hope you manage to talk to DH soon about it. Good luck!

Faybelles what a nightmare. You are going to have to be assertive! Tell them not to bother with the formula, bottles etc as you will be bf and will not need it. That bm is the best for your baby and your are not going to deny your dc that. I ended up ff btw was bf did not work out. Look for bf support groups, and find out what is in your area to help bf. Talk to your MW toi

Suggest you buy a second mobile phone. Tell them your current one is cutting out and only working intermittantly. Perhaps after that reply to one of their texts something like. "Only got half your text. All ok. Will see you at Christmas" Well, maybe not that long before you see them, but you get the idea.

Have you a friend that will support you, so if the pil arrive you can say "sorry, just out to see XXX, they want to see dc"?

Faybells: Re the formula, I'd get it out of the house otherwise you're risking them using it against your wishes. You could give it back and suggest they give it to a local refuge or something as you "won't need it". If you keep it put it somewhere like the bottom of your wardrobe so they won't find it easily.
My mw used to suggest you made a sign saying "Mother and Baby trying to sleep. Please do not disturb". Put that sign out when you don't want them in and refuse to answer the door and tell your dm not to either.

I'm so glad I'm not being unreasonable! And I know I need to raise it with DH - it's just how. In fact I've just got another text now asking how DC slept after their visit and I'm damn tempted to say DC threw milk up and cried for ages as over stimulated, therefore didn't get much sleep and when DC did I was awake getting stressed about you and your mithering! Can you imagine the response!

Faybells - I'm so sorry to hear you're suffering too! I think we're just too damn polite. I'm shocked at their pushiness over the formula - I hope they have kept the receipts - how rude! Stick to your guns on the bf and I wish you lots of luck with it. And as for the birth - no way!!! But please don't worry - they won't let her in when you're in the throws of full blown labour (my biggest fear!) and just keep mentioning this to DH so it fully sinks in.

I've been getting hypothetical questions too - 'oh so and so has just had a baby and grandparents don't think 'new mum' trusts them to babysit - what do you think? what would you do? Oh baby is younger than yours etc etc

So and so keeps baby away from grandparents - they have legal rights you know - what would you do in that situation? etc etc

Plus! I now get 'oh DC is so good when we come round, we really don't believe DC cries like you say he/she does!'

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!! It drives me nuts!

As you can see, I don't really have any advice and I'm sorry about that but like you, I feel for you and know exactly where you're coming from!

don't be tempted, just say it/text it back.
ending the message with 'would be lovely to see you '

oh, and grandparents DO NOT have legal rights to see their grandchildren!

i cant believe how often you see them and cant believe they text you daily and you have to reply!!?? i would be in tears. that is too much.

it is not about them just now. its about you and your baby bonding, getting rest and welcoming visitors when it suits you. turning up unannounced is a major no no for me (although it did happen with 1st baby, not 2nd, they knew by then)

your hubby has to say you are tired and a bit overwhelmed just now and youll call them once a week to come over for a visit.

my mil used to prize my 1st baby out my arms. i actually left the room one time and went up stairs for a cry. she also took him out my arms as we arrived at church for his christening. it took a second to sink in - then i took him right back.

we have a great relationship now though. we were just both being the lionesses. but really, its your baby, youre in charge.

You really don't have to hand over your baby to them the minute they arrive, then spend your time making them cups of tea. This is your baby, not theirs. If they want to visit, they are visiting both you and the baby, and should not be treating him/her like a new toy to be grabbed!

You need to be more assertive - when they do things you don't like, you have to say "No" - "No we won't be doing that", "No that's not convenient" etc. And let your husband know you're struggling to cope with them - if he knows his mum is "hard work" then he has to recognise that its even harder for you, who don't have a lifetime of practice at ignoring her! He can then back you up if he's there, or back you up afterwards if she whinges later.

They sound massively full-on and very hard work. If you can't see them less, you need to change the dynamics so they don't treat you like an afterthought.

My ILs can be very full-on, and I find being pro-active is the best way to manage it. State your position: "I want to spend time concentrating on the baby, and sleeping when DC sleeps as I'm up during the night. Maybe you could phone in the evening so DH can give you a report of the previous day and night, rather than texting as it makes me feel a bit stressed?" Then say: "I'm a bit busy for the next few days, but it would be great to see you on xday."

Be firm, but polite. Used closed questions (yes or no answers), so they can't push you. For example: "Would you like to pop in on Saturday?" rather than "When are you next coming round?" or even just leaving it unsaid.

And direct them to do other things when they do come round! Obviously they want to have time with the baby, but say things like: "It would be really helpful if you could put a load of laundry on for me while I feed DC." Again, being firm and polite means that they don't really feel they can say no, you get something else done, and it will ease any resentment.

And do talk to your DH. Just because you would be heartbroken if he felt this way about your parents doesn't mean he will feel like that. He may have coping strategies that are tried and tested, and can be more direct with them than you.

Good luck and don't let this spoil your early days with your LO x

faybells - you owe it to your baby to be calm of mind and free from these sorts of stresses, it will be hard enough without worrying about ADULTs feelings.
ITS NOT ABOUT THEM!! (just reliving my own pil stresses there)
its about you and the baby.
please discuss with your husband and set the boundaries before baby arrives.
you wont get this time back so nip it in the bud and enjoy.
you cant afford to be thinking about this.
good luck x

Are you me eight years ago? I don't want to start listing the things done,said etc but I'm WITH you!!

Your DH does need to support you (ie manage his parents) but I can understand that is a difficult one to bring up. It honestly took quite a while of gentle coaxing for DH to realise in our case. Even if DH (your and mine) does realise it's a really tricky one for him to bring up with his DPs. I really wish that this was covered for new dads. (How to manage over enthusiatic guests of any sort but especially those with a "claim" to the baby!!)

I realised later on that (not sure you want to hear this!) part of the problem was that I WAS very possessive of my baby AND my decision to bf which I don't feel was ever supported by ILs. But frankly, I feel perfectly within my rights to be!

The happy ever after bit is that my ILs are still as obsessed with both of mine (especially PFB, but that's another thread as there's a weird family thing about first borns vs next borns ) It still drives me crazy but not all the time and usually it is as I drive away for a weekend with DH. (My mantra what I don't know about won't bother me!)
ILs would drop anything to look after my two. One day this is a very useful trait!!!

All the very best. It gets better and you get used to it a bit and it comes in handy in about x years time and you're not alone. Stay on MN! Sometimes there is an issue and sometimes just ranting on here helps to prevent major issues with DH and ILs.

Oh yeah, by the time DS2 came along DH and I were brill at managing ILS and now pg with no3 so I'll be on fire!!!

I don't think YABU as long as both sets of grandparents get the same amount of time around your child.

You need to be firm, but fair, and state what is and is not convenient for you. Unless you do, they will keep pushing for and getting what they want.

Good luck.

Been here - but on bright side have got through it and IL are great now.

ILs were insecure about their role - DH an only and they never wanted me as part of the family - they seem resigned now.

Get DH on side - this is vital, set boundaries, fail to answer doors/phones if necessary or if you are busy. FIL went on about his rights - found ways to mention they had none without causing a row.

BF issues you have my sympathies - I had this from all side apart from DH. I think part of it is trying to re-create how they parented - I suppose you give them an expressed bottle but I never felt inclined to do that with my relatives. Now ILs can't see why everyone doesn't bf and you'd never think they'd has any issues .

MILs go slightly mad when their DIL gives birth. It does calm down. Try and think of her as suffering from an emotional storm - a bit like PMT - and ignore without taking it personally.

As far as the would-be formula feeding goes, there you really do have to put your foot down.

Re. the mobile - tell her you've taken to turning it off when you're trying to catch up with your sleep. Try to take at least 10 minutes to reply as well, she shouldn't feel she has you on constant call

I know exactly how you feel, XMIL was a nightmare. I don't have to deal with her now thank god.

You need to speak to DH and have a united front about this. Set boundaries now, or you'll be making a rod for your own back!

And gp's do not have legal contact rights, just to clarify. And you are bfing so as much as you'd love to have pil's babysit you just can't right now!

Best of luck!