AIBU to be getting so worked up by overbearing in laws?

[Newmummytobe79]

Sorry for long post - just want to know if my feelings are unreasonable!

I've always had a good relationship with my in laws (PIL and SIL + family) and loved spending time with them (albeit not that often) but since having our DC I'm getting very stressed by them and their overbearing behaviour. I think it stems from SIL not having a great relationship with her inlaws and they're afraid the same will happen with us.

I had a bad birth and have had trouble bonding with DC but am now head over heels in love with DC (7 weeks old). I have always handed baby over to in laws on visits so I am not being over protective.

My MIL is very competitive and has done a few things to upset me and my mum.

It all began when PIL turned up during visiting hours - whilst I was in labour! They then rang my parents to tell them 'how well I was doing' which annoyed my mum as she knew my DH and I wanted to be alone during the birth and respected our wishes.

DC was born via ECS in the early hours, MIL rang my mum to ask if she was going to see me that evening. When my mum let her know she'd be coming to see me at the lunchtime visiting session she said 'oh yes - we're going then too' and rushed to the hospital. I find this very strange and can't understand why she tried to suggest my mum wait until the evening to see her daughter and meet her grandchild. (my parents 1st grandchild - PIL have a number of grandchildren)

There have been a lot of things since including me having to make endless cups of tea during visits so they could sit there and coo over DC, and the moment they found out my sibling and partner had taken baby out in the pram (once around the block!) - they pretty much wheeled DC out of the house on their arrival!

I've always handed baby over to them as soon as they arrive (think DC would be snatched from me if I didn't!) and been as nice as possible but their overbearing ways are now keeping me awake at night - even when DC is sleeping!

My in laws talk to my child in baby voices which drives me mad and one time MIL spent ages (in front of me!) prizing my sleeping childs fingers apart and then back around her finger to shout out - look, DC has grabbed my hand!

This part is petty I know, but I've spent lots of time looking at '1st' items for our DC but to be beaten to buying them by SIL. I know she's being thoughtful but I feel like I'm just the nappy buyer.

I'm also breastfeeding and have been bought bottle brushes by MIL and had comments from SIL about how hard I must be finding it - they make me feel selfish that I'm feeding my DC and they can't.

They get to see DC once or twice a week and I get daily texts asking about DC. If I don't reply within a couple of hours the same text is sent again!

SIL must have told them that I was visiting my parents so the same night they turned up unannounced when my DH and I were spending time with DC after a day full of visitors (including SIL and familiy). My DH works long hours and must have held our DC for 10 minutes that day. It's just all getting a bit too much.

There are loads of other examples, but I won't bore you all, and I know they are excited about DC and want to spend as much time with baby as possible but it's driving me mad and I now feel uneasy with them turning up unannounced.

My mum visits often to help me with housework and shopping - and of course to see our DC, but they don't seem to be able to differenciate between my mum helping me and her 'hogging' their grandchild.

I don't want to discuss this with DH yet as I would be heartbroken if he felt this way about my parents so don't want to put on him. He knows his mum is 'hard work' and often comments about things she's said or done but I don't want to air my feelings to him ... yet.

Am I being unreasonable?

Some really good suggestions already on this thread! I like the idea of starting to establish boundaries with the statements like "It would be lovely to see you on Saturday" rather than "When will you be coming next" !!

I found with my MIL that if I got in first, with an interested question about her own parenting experience..."what did you find helped when DH had colic?" would kind of head her off down a path of memories which probably made her think I was asking for her advice, made her feel valued etc but actually I had no intention of doing anything she'd done!

But it did stop the endless comments about breastfeeding, how she couldn't etc etc

I really don't get this hang-up people have with feeding babies, as if it's the ONLY possible way of getting time/bonding with a baby! You might try really bigging up the MIL when she's giving your baby a cuddle - "Oh you're so gentle with him" or "you're so good at getting the wind to come up" again so she feels valued and good at something, and might stop banging on about the breastfeeding!

Don't tell MIL or SIL what you're thinking of buying or have been looking at - just get what you want and if they turn up with an alternative, smile sweetly and say "Hope you kept the receipt..."

If your DH is making comments about finding his own mother hard work I would suggest that door is wide open for a discussion between you about how you might want to handle the situation.

Good luck

Ah, thank you OP, never before, until now have I been so grateful that my children have such useless couldn't give a shit grandparents. x

Well thank god there are some other mums out there with grandparent problems. My MIL at present is threatening to have a mental breakdown because she hasn't seen the kids over Christmas but that was due to an argument on Christmas Eve where she told me I had ruined my husbands relationship with his brother and I have 'hogged' him ever since we married and my father in law said I was ungrateful and didn't deserve the house they had given me and my husband! Many many problems with them over last 8 years basically due to the fact they continue to push BIL into our lives as he is on his own and they feel sorry for him. I cannot stand the guy, still attached to mother by umbillical cord and is spoilt to death. Told me once that I was a freeloader and that he'd come to our place whenever he wanted to as his parents bought it! Basically they are requesting that every birthday, party, christmas, sports day, school play, and special occassion, I invite them and their other son and basically put a show on to make them feel happy despite the fact that I hate the BIL. So now forever more they expect me to involve them in our special times with our kids (3) despite the fact that it will ruin it for me. My FIL once rang us up (from other fall out) to say that MIL was up all night fretting and pacing the room cos she hadn't seen the kids for 2 weeks and we had better let her see them as she was making herself ill or could top herself! Basically, they are ultra controlling, don't always do what I ask i.e sweet giving, let them ride on back of tractors, take 4 year old in pool without armbands (despite me telling them not a good idea to take them swimming as hard work with 3 kids), gave eldest river water to drink cos she was thirsty which made her violently ill, spoilt my double christening by being rude as I didn't ask for her help to make food, GOD I could go on and on and on.Help me please with your suggestions as I am seriously considering hitting the bottle or divorcing my husband. Who by the way tries to talk to them but the saga returns to it's normal state quickly. Seriously fed up with it all!! Is it me or them being unreasonable?

I'm in the minority but I'd cut your MIL some slack. Sounds to me as though she is mostly motivated by enthusiasm, not spite

Old thread alert!

Robots - so true.

God. I had this level of harassment when ds1 was born. It was awful. I felt stalked and haunted by mil's constant telephone calls.

It's such a bad feeling op. And what's worse, my dh did not want to deal with it at all.

So I had to. I was very firm about when pil could visit. I didn't pick up the phone to them or call back every time at all. I just stopped caring what they thought because I was so they were imposing on my special time with my firstborn.

And keep breast feeding if that's what you want.

Do not leave your baby with people you feel will not respect your wishes I.e. Give the baby formula.

Don't let them walk over you just because you are worries about what they say.

Why are you handing your baby over as well? Just smile and say he's happy on his mum just now thanks. Maybe later.

And she's uncurling his fingers when asleep? What if he wakes him up after you've worked hard to get him to sleep? I'd be really cross as a tired new mum.

I think you might just have to assert yourself and make sure you do not let them walk all over you. Because currently they think they can and it will only get worse.

So ignore those texts and the doorbell. Say "He's actually sleeping. Could you leave him be" and "oh,I find breast feeding really easy and it's the best thing for babies. Shall I show you the research?" and "All babies are different" and regarding baby sitting, "You'll just have to wait and see." all with a beautiful wide smile.

It's only with overbearing, intrusive people that I recommend this kind of behaviour. Once they realise you are a force to be reckoned with, they won't mess with you.

Oh. Old thread.

It's not that old - only November.

Funkyfarmerswife, you might be better off starting your own thread to get some advice.

I posted on here last year when i was pg with my fears about pils and the up coming birth. Most people were very reassuring with a few telling me i was over reacting or being selfish. My friends were sick of me talking about it and said i was being silly.Dh was sick of hearing it and whilst he understood what i was frightened of he assured me tht he would deal with it and not allow it to happen.
It did! It was awfull and everything i had dreaded. The relationship with pils is now strained and i had horrible pnd.
I am still so sad that i wasnt more assertive and dh still feel guilty for assuming his parents would have the decency to do as he had asked them to.
I am back at work tomorrow and im sat here wishing so much of my mat leave hadnt been ruined by all of this.
Do what ever you need to do,you will never get the time back,dont be bullied into feeling pressured to do anything you dont want to.

I am also a mil to a dil and dgs.I completely accept that she has a closer relationship with her Mum and so sees her more and had her around for the birth.I am a Mum and a daughter too.
The fact that i can accept this has allowed us to develop a lovely friendship and thus see my dgs as much as i like.

Not rocket science is it?

And why do some posters always say, "Be grateful they care!" when these gps behaviour is bordering on the obsessive, is overbearing and intrusive?

Be grateful these people think they can do what they want in your home with your baby?

That's nit love. That's looking to control.

I used to get on brilliantly with my mil, then the exact same thing happened when I was pregnant with my DS. It was awful when he was born, and when he was 10 weeks old, my DH had a massive falling out with then because of their controlling nature - they wanted to dictate where we had DS baptised, what clothes he wore to come home from hospital, where, when and how he should be fed, snatching him off me as you have experienced, and I had a traumatic delivery ending in a CS and we went to stay at my parents' house for a week - they had the week off, my mum is a HV so helped me establish BF which I was really struggling with- and the IL basically flipped their lids.

We spent the time from when DS was 10 wks old to about 9 months not speaking to them due to things they said to DH and me when we tried to ask them just to let us parent out son the way we thought best.

We have tried in the intervening time since (DS now 4) to repair the relationship by various means, inviting them to birthday parties, been to their house to try to talk things out, had then to ours to try to talk things out, written a letter between us, but nothing has helped. It's so sad, as now my DH hardly has any contact with them, and we haven't seen them for about 2 yrs.

My mil cannot accept that she has done anything wrong, even accused my DH of lying when he told her I was in tears after she snatched my feeding child from me when they came to visit (yes, she actually pulled him from my arms when I was BF!), and every time we try to build bridges she just throws it back in our faces.

I just wish that things were different, but hey ho, we just have to get on with it and hope she mellows with age. I feel sad for all of us as I feel I am really missing out on a relationship with my il, my DH is missing out on a relationship with his parents, and my son effectively only has one set of (albeit very devoted) grandparents. All because she took offence when my DH asked her not to be quite so forceful with her opinions :-(

You do need to talk to your DH though, as he may not even be aware of how you are feeling - I realise I am an exception where it was my DH who broached the subject with me while I was pregnant - shortly after my mil wanted to come to one of the sweeps, he said oh god I think we need to speak to her - perhaps if we had laid down the rules earlier things would not have got so bad!

Good luck!

Had similar problems with first DC. Excellent relationship with PIL pre pregnancy, then as soon as I announced I was pregnant, my wishes and requests were often ignored. Eg. When we told them I was pregnant and had had a really stressful time with bad nuchal test results (cvs test results had come back clear when we told them but still had to go through 2 heart scans) so please don't buy anything for baby until we've got through this next hurdle - 2 hours later went shopping for loads of stuff, then started talking of ordering loads more 'big' things when we'd had no time to think/research about what brands WE wanted. Continued through pregnancy to the point that pre labour felt I had to send an email explaining hospital rules re visiting and what our wishes were on top of at to prevent our birth experience being spoilt - included sis and my parents in email to show I was treating all the same but was really aimed at IL's who I thought would turn up at hospital during labour.

During pregnancy and baby's first year, we had to have a few 'chats' when we felt they were taking over and doing things we felt we should be the first to experience as parents and politely reminded them they'd had their chance to experience these firsts with their child, now it was our turn. All chats were with both of us present to show we were united on this.

Thankfully, they did get the message and relationship is back to how it was and have had no probs. with DD2. They are now actually a wonderful support with babysitting and giving us lie-in by getting up with the children for us when visiting (better than my parents Infact) so the relationship works both ways.

So what I would say from my experience is do tackle issues early on but with a united front with DH and worded tactfully. Do expect them to be excited as grandparents and allow them to experience 'some' firsts but make sure you are in control of what they are. Make sure you treat both sets of grandparents as equally as you can re visits as they both have the right to have the chance to build the same quality of relationship with your DC regardless of your personal preference. Ask your Mil to help with some of the house work so she can see she is getting equal opportunity to help/see Gc. If they are being pushy re advice, just keep repeating 'I appreciate your input, we've considered your suggestion but have decided to do this instead'.

You should send the first part of that text (obviously not the last sentence!) so they understand the impact on Gc of some of their actions and hopefully it will cause them to adjust their approach. If you don't tell them the impact when asked, they won't know!

Good luck, hope things improve like they did for us.

I have a 10 mo dd and this is how my in laws are, I know they think they are being nice but it's the idea they have some ownership of dd! The best thing I ever did was breastfeed as I used to slope off when it was all getting a bit much. If they ever acted as though they wanted to feed dd I just gave a look to suggest they were actually the selfish ones putting their needs before dds. It's getting better now but you must stay strong, a few times when they came round I didn't actually hand over dd said things like she's just gone to sleep and I'm having a cuddle, again to take that moment away from you they will see it's rude to take the baby. I'm not at all assertive but I had to do this for the sake of everyone and I feel it's set me in good sted for the future. Now we are weaning they just accept when I say no dd can't have a tube of smarties etc. We all get on better for it and when they play with dd now I'm much more relaxed about it. Those early days are precious for everyone so I tried to remember that but they are mostly precious for baby you and dh.