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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

postponing Xmas for DBil?

39 replies

shamelesslynamechanging · 06/11/2011 23:54

i suspect i'm about to get a kicking for this, so i've namechanged.

We are meant to be having a big family Xmas together at DH's parents.

DBIL got married this year, and his wife has two children. His stepkids will be celebrating Xmas with both their parents and respective families in another city. They'll then be joining DBIL and us at PIL's house on the night of 26th.

FIL wants to delay all of the Xmas festivities to the night of the 26th, esp the present swapping. This would be fine with me if it was only adults, but we've got our kids and we still want to have something on the 25th. Fine to do something additional on the 26th though.

I'm really looking forward to having Christmas with the kids, who are old enough this year to understand what's going on. Also, our kids, being younger, will need to be in bed shortly after the older kids arrive, so they really will miss out on the Xmas party thing with the family.

AIBU to object to FIL's plans? I'm feeling rather miffed about the whole thing. It's a massive pain in the arse getting to their house for Xmas (2 days driving each way) and I'm feeling a lot less like making the effort.

OP posts:

ItWasABoojum · 06/11/2011 23:57

YANBU! So your BIL's stepchildren get two Christmases, one with each family, yet your children have to have theirs postponed and miss out on a large chunk of the party? Sounds spectacularly unfair.

Yourefired · 07/11/2011 00:05

YANBU. Totally agree with boojum's point. You are a family now and can decide what you want to do. Caveat: you in laws are trying very hard to accomodate their child's (your BIL's situation), so be kind, but not accommodating. Boundaries baby!

SeoraeMaeul · 07/11/2011 00:06

My initial thought was you FiL had tried to be inclusive of the new family members and just hasn't thought through the details. If this is the first time it's been raised then go back with an alternative and the reasons why eg young kids, bedtimes, first year they'll understand etc
Chances are he hasn't thought it all out so I would give the benefit of the doubt and try to find a compromise - this won't be the only time this comes up (presumably it will be the same issue every year?) so it's worth spending time working out a good solution.
Btw what does BiL and new SiL think?

Original poster

shamelesslynamechanging · 07/11/2011 00:13

It's a very good question - we don't know if DBIL and DSIL proposed this, or if FIL has just decided this on his own bat. He is prone to getting bees in bonnets, so hopefully this is one of those...

I know it sounds horrible, but it's going to be so tough getting there, I am starting to think i can't be bothered if it's going to be like this. Bit mean, but it's such a big trip to put the kids through and I think I'll be quietly seething all day the 25th if he does go ahead with this plan.

OP posts:

pootlebug · 07/11/2011 00:18

YANBU.

Could you open all your presents from each other Christmas day (i.e. everyone who is there on the day) and then open the presents from/to BIL and family, and maybe save a few from friends or people not coming at all, to open the next evening.

I'm not sure how old your kids are, but mine (2.5 and 3.5 ish this Christmas) will likely find too many presents in one day overwhelming, so it's not a bother to save some. But saving them all is unreasonable, I agree.

Honestly I'd still want Christmas lunch/dinner on Christmas day too. Make a fabulous suet-crust turkey pie for boxing day evening....the best use for turkey leftovers and still feels Christmassy.

ChaoticAngel · 07/11/2011 00:18

YANBU Can you not have 2 celebrations?

missingmumxox · 07/11/2011 01:05

YANBU, but agree with a few posters about keeping something back such as your fil present to your children, but F Christmas's on chrimbo day.
If your children are anything like mine, they do tend to be over excited and are not able to sleep, so i let them stay up, get them ready for bed a usual time, but they can carry on (helps with the lie in in the morning) I tend to find them at various moments asleep, either in their beds, taken themselves off, but at other people in other peoples beds, dog beds chairs. it Christmas normal rule shouldn't apply in all cases.
enjoy, my DB has a step family, but we have no parents, live different sides of the country and so we haven't had Christmas together since our Dad died 8 years ago and that was when our dad died as it was a Christmas, and we have different pressures from inlaws, and also just wanting to injoy our family without travel.

iscream · 07/11/2011 03:51

We have 2 Christmas every year almost, due to my dh's work. It works out great. We save all the presents to the in laws for the day we all gather together, and they save ours, and we have a nice dinner, presents, drinks and so on.
No reason your young ones can't a Christmas morning with their stockings and presents and dinner on the 25th, then have another one at fil's.

Sorted. :)

IDontDoIroning · 07/11/2011 04:46

Are you having to drive for 2 days to get to fils house getting there before Xmas day. If dfil has his way this means you and your family won't have the choice to do Xmas your way before dbil arrives and your dc will have a very miserable Xmas day and most of boxing day.
The fact that you say that boxing night they won't enjoy the party as its close to bedtime suggests to me they aren't very old so even less able to understand why they can't have their Xmas day celebrations.
Sorry but your dfil is bvu if he expect this to happen.
The bils dsc will have had Xmas with their dm and family and they will have had the whole Xmas day thing already so like it or not it's not really going to be as special for them. It will seem like another party not xmas day. Your dc won't have had that, it seems terribly unfair to me.
I'm sure that dfil and dbil woul like the family all together on Xmas day bit sitting round on the 25th doing nothing and pretending it isn't really Xmas day won't really work .
Don't do it.
Sorry I wouldn't drive for 2 days for this sort of Xmas for my dc.
I realise that bil dsc need to be included in the family but it seems that your dc feelings aren't being taken into account at all.
I would be seriously considering not going in advance of Xmas day, setting off boxing day and having the family party when I arrive, that way both sets of dc get a real Xmas day.

Inertia · 07/11/2011 07:28

YANBU. It's not fair on your children.

I would be tempted to day that as they are not celebrating Christmas Day you'll have Christmas at home and travel to see them a couple of days later.

We have a very disjointed family, and it's always been the case that whoever is together on the day celebrates and exchanges presents, and then presents exchanged again as new relatives arrive on a later day.

diddl · 07/11/2011 07:36

If you live close enough, have Christmas Day at yours, & then travel for Boxing Day.

HappyAsASandboy · 07/11/2011 07:39

You and your DC should definitely have Christmas on Christmas day and then another celebration whenever you see DBIL's step-children. After all, that's precisely what the step children are doing!

If I were you, I'd ask DFiL when his house will be celebrating christmas and then go to his house whenever that is. If he's not celebrating christmas on 25th, then he won't mind if you don't arrive until the night of 26th

BalloonSlayer · 07/11/2011 07:48

Well if Christmas at your ILs isn't going to start till the 26th, don't go till the 26th.

Have a nice day as a family at your house and go over on Boxing Day.

It's a really nice thing your FIL is trying to do. I wouldn't be surprised if he is sort of hoping you'll arrive on Boxing Day.

My parents were divorced and Dad often used to work at Christmas, so we'd have our Christmas with him a few days later. It was great, when everyone else was feeling flat because it was all over we'd have another one to look forward to.

Earthymama · 07/11/2011 07:50

When I was little, (back in the Dark Ages) we had Christmas Day at home. I had my stocking with Mam, and my main presents from her, then I saw my grandparents at church. And for a cuppa and piece of cake, pop for me as a treat.
Then we all, aunts, uncles, cousins, eyc assembled at Nan and Bamps on Boxing Day. As we sat there we heard a bell ring, all the little ones would be sent out into the Street to see if Santa and the Reindeers were flying overhead.
When we came back in Father Christmas was next to the fire with all the family presents to share out. Then there was a feast, and singing and I remember it with much affection.
YANBU, you need to create new traditions that ensure everyone, esp your children. Gets a share of Christmas Magic.

I go away at Christmas time, so we have another Christmas with dinner, all the trimmings , crackers and prezzies when we get back.
Tell FiL there must be compromise!

cjbartlett · 07/11/2011 07:50

Stay home for lovely family Xmas
Go to fils on boxing day

TartyMcFarty · 07/11/2011 07:56

YANBU. If he insists in this arrangement, your FIL is making it impossible for you to go at all, what with the 2 days' driving each way. The other thing you need to consider, is if your PIL do relent and celebrate Christmas on the 25th, will it be willingly and enjoyable, or resentfully and therefore miserable?

Where are you stopping on the way? I was going to suggest that if it's with your own parents, you could spend Christmas with them, then continue your journey on boxing day.

ENormaSnob · 07/11/2011 08:21

Yanbu at all.

clam · 07/11/2011 08:39

If the goalposts have changed, then I think you're within your rights to alter your plans. Or certainly renegotiate how it's all going to work.
First thing is to explain (or get your DH to exxplain - they're his parents) your problem with FIL's suggestion. That it's not going to work for you in its current form. Suggest how it could work. If he won't alter his plan, then you'll have to suggest deferring your arrival until Boxing Day evening yourselves.
YANBU - at ALL.

FabbyChic · 07/11/2011 08:45

Dont go, ask them to send your childrens presents, you can't postpone a christmas because of one person that is just mean.

SenoritaViva · 07/11/2011 08:52

I see lots of people saying stay at home for the 25th but if you are due to arrive on 26th and it takes 2 days then you'd spend christmas day driving presumably? If that's the case then not an option at all!

Also agree on holding some presents back for boxing day and explaining to FiL about the issues for you. It is lovely that he's including the new step children into the family but perhaps he has forgotten that they will have a Christmas elsewhere? There are plenty of boxing day traditions he can start to make it feel special, perhaps suggest a few?

How does your DH/DP feel about it?

clam · 07/11/2011 09:01

Ah, 2 days each way. I'd read that as there and back.
Well, in that case, he switches the plan or you don't go?
Shame though. Sounds like he just hasn't thought it through properly. If you point it out to him, he may be more than happy to alter the idea.

TwoIfBySea · 07/11/2011 09:02

This is presumably going to happen every year? Tell FIL that it would be lovely to start a new family tradition.

You have Christmas day as normal but then a big family party on Boxing Day. Start your own family thing - make this work for everyone. Means your dcs get two days of celebration too. Otherwise what are they to do on Christmas? Just sit there?

Fair enough FIL is trying to include the new family members but not at the expense of others. If he makes a big issue out it then go to your parents.

TwoIfBySea · 07/11/2011 09:02

This is presumably going to happen every year? Tell FIL that it would be lovely to start a new family tradition.

Fair enough FIL is trying to include the new family members but not at the expense of others. If he makes a big issue out it then go to your parents.

mummytime · 07/11/2011 09:04

Sorry but if you are in the UK, how does it take 2 days to drive there? Are you in Cornwall and them in Scotland? If it really does take that much time: a) why aren't they keener on celebrating a rare visit from you? b) why don't you fly/take the train etc. c) in future why not celebrate in hired house somewhere inbetween?

Trills · 07/11/2011 09:09

Are your children old enough to read a calendar?

If not then it won't make a difference to them if you do things on the 25th or the 26th. What you do, and whether it is suitable for children their age, does make a difference.

Personally I wouldn't drive for 2 days each way to go to family for a couple of days over Christmas anyway.

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