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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be shocked by this?

45 replies

prioneyes · 06/11/2011 21:10

I helped DH's cousin move some belongings this weekend. She has a son aged 4 and recently moved into a new 2 bed house after leaving her abusive partner.

Her house is lovely and she's obviously put in tons of effort to decorate and make it nice. Her bedroom is amazing. We had 3 carloads of boxes to move and when took them in there was a problem with the loft access so I suggested stacking them on her landing. She said no, because she didn't want her mates to see them, and said to put them in her son's room instead because nobody goes in there.

I was shocked to see that her son's room was literally stuffed with boxes and bags already. There was a path to the bed, and a tv balanced among boxes at the end of the bed, but 90% of the floor space was junk. No toys, no room to play, a horrible place to sleep.

The most odd thing was the incongruity between how perfect and beautiful her room is and how much his room is just a dumping ground.

There's lots of background but I'm trying to keep it short. Am I being a judgemental cowbag or is this really awful?

OP posts:
NoNoNoMYDoIt · 06/11/2011 21:11

does he maybe not sleep in there?

welliesandpyjamas · 06/11/2011 21:12

I don't understand (maybe I need some of that further background?). Basically, she has just moved in and has stacked all the boxes in one room, her son's, rather than around the house?

worraliberty · 06/11/2011 21:12

She's got plenty of time to sort the whole house once she's settled.

As the youngest of five kids, I shared a tiny box room with my 2 sisters.

There was literally no room for anything except a single bed, a bunk bed and a wardrobe.

It didn't bother me, the room was for sleeping in...not playing in.

MogTheForgetfulCat · 06/11/2011 21:13

Sounds v Sad unless it's just a v temporary arrangement and she will unpack all the boxes etc. v soon?

anotheroneintheoven · 06/11/2011 21:13

I think that's a good observation.At aged 4 a child should have anice bedroom.

My bedroom is an absolute shittip.
My sons bedroom is lovely, as is our lounge and other areas, because they come before me.

Might be too quick for you too judge on one visit though

AgentZigzag · 06/11/2011 21:13

Are you saying you think she's considering herself more than her DS?

SuePurblybilt · 06/11/2011 21:13

I am suppressing my judgy pants at the tv in the room of a 4yo as I know that's not the point Grin.
I think it's a bit shit, yes, to have a perfectly done up house and not bother with the child's room. Maybe she's doing his up as a Christmas gift?

squeakytoy · 06/11/2011 21:14

Maybe she co-sleeps.

thisisyesterday · 06/11/2011 21:14

yes maybe he sleeps in with her?

SHRIIIEEEKPoolingBearBlood · 06/11/2011 21:14

he probably shares her bed. DD's room is stuffed with stuff, toys admittedly, but in a "storage" way, not a "playroom" way, and a cot she's never slept in. We need a good sort out. In the meantime, it's not the end of the world

TheArmadillo · 06/11/2011 21:20

my ds is 7yo and still only uses his bedroom for sleeping in and to store his stuff that doesn't fit downstairs. He wouldn't care if it was used as a dumping ground. He prefers to play downstairs and would think we were punishing him if we sent him to play in his bedroom. Maybe hers is the same. He doesn't care and has the rest of his house at his disposal.

I wouldn't judge purely on that.

frutilla · 06/11/2011 21:20

If no one goes in there, maybe she meant that he shares her room as he's not used to the new home and it's a temporary thing. Maybe pop round again in a couple of weeks and check up on the situation....

budgieshell · 06/11/2011 21:20

I would be a bit worried about all those boxes falling over. Most 4 year olds would look in the boxes for toys, he may find things not suitable for him or even dangerous.

Agree with anotheroneintheoven the cildrens rooms would be done up first.

Sirzy · 06/11/2011 21:22

After coming from an abusive household it wouldn't shock me if he was sleeping with mummy for some comfort/security (it wouldn't shock me if he was anyway!)

In which case it makes perfect sense to kep things in the other room while things get sorted

Bohica · 06/11/2011 21:27

Maybe she is putting her sellf first for a change, if she has left an abusive relationship it may feel impportant that her room feels her own and seprcial to her.

She may want the rest of the house to look nice to show she is coping and strong.

And as others said he son may well be sleeping with mummy during the new changes.

Original poster
prioneyes · 06/11/2011 21:27

I know they don't cosleep at present because we originally thought we wouldn't have room to put it in his room, so she said we'd have to stack stuff on his bed and she would let him sleep with her if she could find space for his tv in her room.

They've been there for a few months (the stuff we moved was from her dad's house as he died recently).

I don't mean a small room with some boxes stored in it. It's a big spacious room literally waist-high in random stuff apart from room for the door to open and a path to the bed which is behind the door. I've never seen anything like it.

OP posts:
Bohica · 06/11/2011 21:29

Important and special and her.

should stop typing when exciting things happen on strike back

MrBloomsNursery · 06/11/2011 21:47

Is this really a "shocking" incident for you? Really?

Original poster
prioneyes · 06/11/2011 21:57

I was shocked, yes. I have a child of the same age and he plays in his room often, and I cannot imagine feeling ok about his space being used as storage while my space was pristeen.

She is a very different kind of parent to me and lots of things which work for her would not be ok with me though, hence being unsure whether this is U of me.

OP posts:
Original poster
prioneyes · 06/11/2011 21:58

Pristine? Sorry.

OP posts:
TheFrogs · 06/11/2011 21:58

What's the problem? I've read your op three times and still cant see it. Aren't homes normally a shit tip when folks move in? My ds slept on a blow up bed for three weeks when I was decorating his room...(he loved it!)

JustForThisFred · 06/11/2011 22:00

As they've been there a few months and he's not sharing with her, this is concerning, yes. The rest of the house is like a show home and his room is a dumping ground. It's not good. How well do you get on with her? Could you ask her if she wants some help to sort through the boxes in her DS's room so that he has a safer bedroom & room to play?

Original poster
prioneyes · 06/11/2011 22:10

I get on ok with her I suppose but we live several hours from them so don't see them a lot. She's also the sort of person who might take wild offence at unsolicited offers of help.

Back story - relevant/leading/drip feeding? - there's family tension because she dumps her DS on anyone at weekends to go out with her mates, even though he's sometimes upset and crying for her. So his life isn't very consistent. I know this is causing tension because a few family members have spoken about it to DH and I unprompted.

OP posts:
TheFrogs · 06/11/2011 22:13

Have they been there a few months? Sorry, I missed that. But still, it doesn't seem a huge deal to me. Until my ds hit the dreaded teens he rarely used his room at all, he spent all his time downstairs with me, as dd does now.

TheFrogs · 06/11/2011 22:16

Sorry op, cross posted. In that case, the room probably isnt the issue?