to be shocked by this?

[prioneyes]

I helped DH's cousin move some belongings this weekend. She has a son aged 4 and recently moved into a new 2 bed house after leaving her abusive partner.

Her house is lovely and she's obviously put in tons of effort to decorate and make it nice. Her bedroom is amazing. We had 3 carloads of boxes to move and when took them in there was a problem with the loft access so I suggested stacking them on her landing. She said no, because she didn't want her mates to see them, and said to put them in her son's room instead because nobody goes in there.

I was shocked to see that her son's room was literally stuffed with boxes and bags already. There was a path to the bed, and a tv balanced among boxes at the end of the bed, but 90% of the floor space was junk. No toys, no room to play, a horrible place to sleep.

The most odd thing was the incongruity between how perfect and beautiful her room is and how much his room is just a dumping ground.

There's lots of background but I'm trying to keep it short. Am I being a judgemental cowbag or is this really awful?

Well like I say, there's tons of stuff that is just not how I do things, and it isn't for me to judge. But then something crosses a line between being different to me into being wrong and making me worried. I didn't know whether my opinions were being coloured by other stuff or whether this is genuinely not an ok situation.

So it sounds like the majority consensus is that the bedroom is fine? I worry about the little boy.

Yes, the bedroom is ok for now...what is the worry?

I guess the worry is unreasonable in itself - I am uptight about my DC having consistency, stability, good diet, exercise, blah blah smug blah. She has a completely different way so it isn't for me to decide that she's being a shit parent. But I feel sad for a little boy who, it seems, is frequently palmed off on babysitters when he wants his mum, isn't getting decent food (whole other thread), and is apparently back of the queue for his own space and access to his toys. All after spending his early childhood under the roof of someone who hit his mother.

I just feel on the fence between judgemental and rightly concerned. I was confident it was me at fault for judging but the room really did shock me.

The bedroom thing very much depends on whether he plays in his room - if he only ever sleeps there a path to the bed may be fine for now. I assume she will be unpacking the stuff at some point?
If she is as awful as you describe in other ways though - why on earth are you friends with her?

doesn't sound OK to me and that's ignoring the back story and just going with OP.

It sounds like she's struggling, I would be concerned :(

Yanbu. Although I would be saddened rather than shocked. Personally, I had my childrens room decorated before mine when moving. First rooms to be painted and organized. I wouldn't be impressed at all in a parent who would put themselves first in this manner.

YANBU, especially if they have been living in this house for months. A weekend is fine, months is out of order.

She sounds exactly like my sister. YANBU.

Not good- yanbu

i understand your point OP.

i moved house in july and my dad and cousin helped me move. when dumping boxes i asked them to put them anywhere except in my dses' room. it was the only room i cared about being sorted that first day so that they had a lovely room to sleep and play in. for me it was important that the move from old house to new was a positive thing and their room is the one place they have where they can go to relax alone. i felt it was a priority.

i share your concern OP. i'm a bit surprised it's still like this. my DC's rooms get sorted out first, the rest of the house is a dump - esp my room! it does seem symptomatic of a lack of interest, if I read your posts correctly.

YANBU.

If I had boxes of stuff to hide they would be in my room, not my DCs.

Yanbu she sounds selfish, if it was me the boxes would be in my room

I think the normal priority is nice rooms for kids then sort your own out. No excuse for dumping stuff in childs room after first few weeks, it is a definate indicator of how the child is valued.

I share your concerns. When I moved earlier in the year the DCs were thrilled beyond belief to have the stuff in their rooms sorted and their beds and space established after the discombobulation of all the packing and the move.

If the stuff comes mainly from her father then she really should knuckle down and get it sorted out. She seems to have gone through a lot of trauma though, with her father dying and leaving her abusive partner and maybe going out in weekends is a form of self medication for her? However, I would press her to get her father's stuff sorted. I suggest an intervention with an initial focus on how nice everything is and then cutting to the chase about getting her father's things sorted through and her DS's own space carved out for him. Hard though things have been for her, her DS has had an equally difficult time and she needs to be told that by everyone. She needs to face her respinsibilities.

Thanks for your input everyone.

In answer to RomanKindle, she's DH's cousin and they were effectively brought up together. So her son is my son's cousin. I don't like the way she lives but she has always been kind and generous towards us, and she has had a tough time.

The stuff in question isn't just from her dad. The room was already jam packed with her belongings before we brought the stuff from her dad's house, and even that is mostly things she was storing there. She seems to hoard, which is fine in itself but it is impacting on her DS.

I don't know that there's anything which I can do about it though :(

I don't think the consensus was YABU at all . But I don't see what you can do other than offer to help - if she's putting her needs above his generally, is that likely to change?
As she's had some difficult times recently, could you suggest Homestart or similar?