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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have half-expected a birthday card from dh, never mind a present, not just a last minute bunch of flowers?

39 replies

MrsJasonBourne · 06/11/2011 09:16

I was rushing around town yesterday to buy, among other things, a card, present & wrap for a little girl I hardly know whose party we were invited to.

So it's my birthday today and the last minute rush that dh went off on yesterday was for a bunch of flowers. They're nice flowers, but no card, or present. He knows damn well my favourite author always has a book out around my birthday and he couldn't even manage a quick Amazon order. Even the card he got the dc's to write in was an old one that came free in the post with something.

I mean he did go out yesterday. He could have at least got a card to write something nice in. And recently he was on about replacing a ring of mine that broke.

AIBU? Should I just resign myself to a life of being taken for granted? I know worse things happen but just feel a bit sad about it.

Sad
OP posts:
ZonkedOut · 06/11/2011 09:19

Happy birthday!
And no, it's not unreasonable to expect a card and present from your DH on your birthday!

Sirzy · 06/11/2011 09:19

Does he normally send cards?

Tbh since having Ds I hardly bother with my birthday, if I get something great if not I'm not going to kick up a fuss!

cjbartlett · 06/11/2011 09:19

Well it's only 9.19am
Maybe he's going to take you out for lunch

WardrobeYeti · 06/11/2011 09:20

"AIBU? Should I just resign myself to a life of being taken for granted?"

No. I am not spoiled by any means but I work damn hard all year and expect a little gratitude on my birthday- it's not wrong that you want a little thought to go into your day. A half-assed present is horrible to get and there's nothing wrong with pulling them up on it and telling them you're upset. The truth is they usually know what they've given is a bit crap and feel bad but hope you won't say anything.

duvetdayplease · 06/11/2011 09:20

hello, I think it;s not unreasonable to expect a bit more effort and to feel special. Is this a lower standard than usual or is he always a bit crap with presents?

I had an issue with my husband, he listened and has now shaped up a lot. I think it is ok to ask your partner to make you feel special.

But I wouldn't go ballistic as he did remember!

Happy Birthday btw

Original poster
MrsJasonBourne · 06/11/2011 09:23

My family are coming round later and then we're taking the dc's out later to his family's so I don't think there'll be anything else.

He does usually get me a card and a present, and a card from the dc's that at least says 'mummy' on it.

Obviously I just wasn't worth the effort this year. Obviously all that cooking, cleaning, childcare and general domestic servitude isn't cutting it anymore. Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsJasonBourne · 06/11/2011 09:24

Oh and thank you for the Happy Birthdays!

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 06/11/2011 09:27

Happy Birthday!

But please don't feel taken for granted just because you didn't get the birthday you expected. YANBU to feel upset over this, but birthdays are not a true mark of someone's appreciation for you. I would much rather have a considerate partner who treated me 'right' all year round, rather than made an effort on one particular day.

Nanny0gg · 06/11/2011 09:27

What is his reaction likely to be if you mention it?
And I assume you make a bit of a fuss on his birthday?

Nanny0gg · 06/11/2011 09:28

Oops - Happy Birthday!

Tortington · 06/11/2011 09:30

happy birthday!

have you told him he's a cunt?

BTW

one year about 10 years ago, dh forgot my birthday and went to tesco on the way home from work

he bought.....not a card.....not flowers....not make up....

he bought me a carrier bag full of blue WKD.

no, he has never been allowed to forget that monumental fuck up

OriginalPoster · 06/11/2011 09:34

Maybe he has clubbed up with the rest of your family for a surprise?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/11/2011 09:34

YANBU. Tell him straight that you're disappointed at his thoughlessness this year and that you feel unappreciated. For the future, leave nothing to chance. Christmas is coming up so tell him exactly what you want in plenty of time. No excuses that way.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/11/2011 09:35

"I would much rather have a considerate partner who treated me 'right' all year round, rather than made an effort on one particular day."

I think most normal people quite rightly expect both Hmm

Original poster
MrsJasonBourne · 06/11/2011 09:40

Thanks all. It's not just me then. He is a bit clueless tbh, his dad's even worse which is where I think he gets that attitude from! I think I'll have to have a word. He does usually do something for my birthday, this is a bit of a first.

Oh and NannyOgg I was actually expecting a bit of Sam Vimes this morning. Guess I'll have to buy it myself.

OP posts:
Shakey1500 · 06/11/2011 09:42

About 8 years ago on my birthday there was no card. DH had obviously forgotten and upon seeing my crestfallen face disappeared into the bedroom and returned with £60 from our savings pot, handed it over with the biggest cliché saying of....

"Here you go...buy yourself smething nice"

My crestfallen face turned into a thunderous one and I made damned sure he never did it again Grin

TidyDancer · 06/11/2011 09:42

I think you've read that wrong Cogito. What's the point of having a partner who is shit all year round but brings out the big guns on birthdays? Why shouldn't someone be great to you every day?

You've taken that to me that I think birthdays shouldn't be great and you are wrong. I just think people should be treated well every day.

Perhaps I'm in the minority there though. Hmm

Shakey1500 · 06/11/2011 09:43

Sorry, forgot to say Happy Birthday!

TidyDancer · 06/11/2011 09:43

Taken that to mean, is what I meant.

troisgarcons · 06/11/2011 09:45

It's a bit child-like for adults to expect a brass band on their birthday.

I never quite get this thing of sending cards to someone you live with. Whats that all about?

grovel · 06/11/2011 09:47

Happy Birthday

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/11/2011 09:47

"I think you've read that wrong Cogito."

No I haven't. You said that birthdays are not a mark of someone's appreciation and it's more important they are kind the rest of the time. I disagree. I think a loving partner should be kind and considerate all year round as a given and should be capable of making a particular effort on special occasions.

TidyDancer · 06/11/2011 09:52

Yes you have. If you treat birthdays as the mark of someone's appreciation of you, what does that say? That all is okay if they're not great the rest of the year? I personally feel that if DP did a last minute dash on my birthday that while I would feel disappointed he hadn't done more, I certainly wouldn't feel taken advantage of or that he wasn't loving and kind because of it. I would feel that he made a mistake. That's all. Maybe we're just more laidback though, I don't know.

It certainly is more important that they are kind the rest of the time aside from birthdays. It's obviously fine that you disagree, but I do find that a bit sad really if I'm honest. :(

Shakey1500 · 06/11/2011 09:58

I agree that it's perfectly reasonable for someone to be appreciative all year round and make a bit of a splash on a birthday. Why not? I don't see it as a "gauge" on an "all round attentiveness" scale. Birthdays are celebrated for a reason. It brings us joy, makes us feel a tiny bit more special on that particular day. If a partner hasn't recognised that, then it's disappointing.

TidyDancer · 06/11/2011 10:00

Of course it's disappointing Shakey, but it's not the be all and end all. The OP has every right to be upset over this, but I would hate to see her thinking this means her DH doesn't care. Sometimes when people forget things, they just forget. It's not a mark of anything more sinister.

My BIL is an absolute shit with things like this and has upset people in the past because of it, but absolutely means nothing by it.