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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

OK, am I too judgemental?

35 replies

Kittenunderbed · 05/11/2011 19:42

I fell out a bit with a friend a few years back. She was in the early stages of a relationship with x, yet was still seeing y. She became pregnant and genuinely did not know the father, which was a large factor in deciding not to keep the baby (potential fathers different races, no chance of covering up!).See no longer saw y (he lived far away) and carried on seeing x. See told x about deciding to abort and he was great, paid for hotel room near hospital to avoid long journey home, train fare and also offered to stand by her. I felt it was very dishonest to take his money and put him through the emothional mill when their was a high chance it wasn't his so we fell out. She has a job and money so it wasn't out of desperation. She also waited so long for time off work (half term) rather than take a few days sick she had to have a surgical abortion, when they'd offered the option of an earlier (7 weeks earlier) date with a simple (well as can be) option of taking a pill to abort. He found those 7 weeks very rough emotionally plus ethically it seemed (to me anyway) a bit off. She said it was to avoid anyone gossiping about the reason for her absence (school wouldn't have asked her but she was worried about potential gossip).

No she's marrying x, and still hasn't told him. I don't think I can go and smile at the event and I feel like making excuses to avoid it. He's an arse imo but I don't think he deserves the lies. He has mentioned when drunk how any future baby will be their second.

OP posts:
Kittenunderbed · 05/11/2011 19:44

Oh that reads badly, apologises. A bit of stream of consciousness.

Forgot to say she thought it was mor elikely baby belonged to y, but was unsure.

OP posts:
jackiejones · 05/11/2011 19:46

YABU I'm afraid it really is none of your beeswax.

531800000008 · 05/11/2011 19:46

confused dot com

antsypants · 05/11/2011 19:47

Yes, you are being too judgemental, you were not her and were not in her position, they are obviously happy, why would you think you have any right to interfere with that because your sensibilities are offended?

Stay out of it and don't go.

jackiejones · 05/11/2011 19:47

Whats the time of work and have a surgical got to do with it? Confused

Kittenunderbed · 05/11/2011 19:47

Oh I never say anything, bar anonymously online. It just grates to actually turn up and smile and she chunders on about how perfect it all is.

OP posts:
fuckityfuckfuckfuck · 05/11/2011 19:47

I don't see that any of it is any of your business tbh.

jackiejones · 05/11/2011 19:48

But you need to ask yourself why it grated on you kitten?

Mollydoggerson · 05/11/2011 19:48

She sounds totally selfish. I would avoid.

jackiejones · 05/11/2011 19:48

Grates

worraliberty · 05/11/2011 19:48

She's made a mistake and now she's putting it all behind her and starting a new life.

If you can't put it behind you (even though it didn't affect you) then pretend you're busy and let them have their happy day without you.

blackoutthesun · 05/11/2011 19:49

yabu - what has it got to do with you?

Kittenunderbed · 05/11/2011 19:50

Far enough, got my answer. fuckity, it became my business as I did night after night of hand-holding through the whole mess. Hours of calls and visits and her pouring her heart out to me. I was there for her. Fell out right at the end when he offered money and she took it instead of saying what she said she was going to do, just deal with it alone and keep quiet-ish.

OP posts:
LineRunnerBonfireMother · 05/11/2011 19:50

You seem to know an awful lot, yet very little.

I think you just have to leave these people to live their lives. If you don't wish to accept an invitation, then don't. You send your apologies and best wishes for the day. You don't hang out with them. You certainly don't drink with them. Not if one of them offends your personal moral code.

You move along.

antsypants · 05/11/2011 19:50

Why would it grate on you? If anything it should make you feel a little sad, she had to go through the stress of a termination and all the feelings that inevitably brings up and she will never be able to really be honest about her feelings with her husband. Seems a real shame to me, but not something you have a right to poke your oar in about.

jackiejones · 05/11/2011 19:51

Oh right so you were there for her and then deserted her when she did something you didn't agree with? Hmm

Kittenunderbed · 05/11/2011 19:52

Jackie- it probably got to me simply because she spent so many hours telling me about the whole thing. I was worn out by the end of it. I had to lie about her whereabouts to her family for her (Catholic)

OP posts:
jackiejones · 05/11/2011 19:53

Well prehaps just cut all contact then? You don't seem like a very good friend though.

Kittenunderbed · 05/11/2011 19:53

Nope I was with her until the end, we fell out after when she told me he'd paid for the lot.Not fell out as in never spoke again, but I told her my opinion honestly and she ignored me for a month.

OP posts:
WardrobeYeti · 05/11/2011 19:54

I feel sorry for her soon to be husband. He sounds scarred by the whole thing and was deceived by her in a terrible way.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 05/11/2011 19:55

So are you feeling all powerful now you have the knowledge of this and he doesn't.

jackiejones · 05/11/2011 19:55

Oh right, so she fell out with you then, sort of? I'd just make an excuse and not go. I think you have judged her harshly. I had a termination myself, knew from 4 weeks, didn't terminate until 9 weeks because I wanted to be sure.

antsypants · 05/11/2011 19:56

So you have a woman who comes from a catholic family, has made the mistake of being involved with two men, who decided to have a termination, she has forged a successful relationship and is getting married, and the only thing her so called friend can do is piss all over it.

Sounds to me like she is better off without your friendship

jackiejones · 05/11/2011 19:56

Yes future DH has been decieved but do you think he would be any better off knowing, no.

ThePieSmuggler · 05/11/2011 19:58

I'm sort of sitting on the fence here - whilst I agree with previous posters that really it isn't your business, I know that if a friend of mine did this it would definitely affect the way I felt about her. Regardless of the (perceived) rights/wrongs of the situation if a friend did something that I personally felt uncomfortable about then I would find it impossible not to judge slightly. I think that's human nature to a degree, or possibly I'm just a judgeypanted cow Grin