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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

OK, am I too judgemental?

35 replies

Kittenunderbed · 05/11/2011 19:42

I fell out a bit with a friend a few years back. She was in the early stages of a relationship with x, yet was still seeing y. She became pregnant and genuinely did not know the father, which was a large factor in deciding not to keep the baby (potential fathers different races, no chance of covering up!).See no longer saw y (he lived far away) and carried on seeing x. See told x about deciding to abort and he was great, paid for hotel room near hospital to avoid long journey home, train fare and also offered to stand by her. I felt it was very dishonest to take his money and put him through the emothional mill when their was a high chance it wasn't his so we fell out. She has a job and money so it wasn't out of desperation. She also waited so long for time off work (half term) rather than take a few days sick she had to have a surgical abortion, when they'd offered the option of an earlier (7 weeks earlier) date with a simple (well as can be) option of taking a pill to abort. He found those 7 weeks very rough emotionally plus ethically it seemed (to me anyway) a bit off. She said it was to avoid anyone gossiping about the reason for her absence (school wouldn't have asked her but she was worried about potential gossip).

No she's marrying x, and still hasn't told him. I don't think I can go and smile at the event and I feel like making excuses to avoid it. He's an arse imo but I don't think he deserves the lies. He has mentioned when drunk how any future baby will be their second.

OP posts:
Kittenunderbed · 05/11/2011 19:58

Yes Mumbling, I'm running around going 'MWAHAHHAH' in between posts- seriously, no, I just feel sad for them. I wasn't a saint either, and neither was my husband in the early days so I know mistakes are made. We've been honest though. I feel for him, I have no intention of acting on it. YEt on the other hand I don't feel like going. I think other issues have also influenced this and it's not as simple as this one thing, but I don't agree with drinking to this one either.

OP posts:
troisgarcons · 05/11/2011 19:59

Other peoples relationships are a peculiar thing. Outsiders only see the projection someone puts up.

Everyone is entitled to make mistakes in their life, thats experience.

What she did may not sit with moral correctness on your shoulders - but do you really know what their relationship is now like?

Many people have relationships that cross over at the beginning. Seems to me, he has been her rock and she now wants to settle with him. Not your place to queer their pitch I'm afraid.

You are an adult, if you dont want to go to the wedding, then don't.

tethersend · 05/11/2011 19:59

YABU.

For all you know, he may already know about y.

If you can't be friends with her, then don't- it really is that simple. If she knew what you thought, she wouldn't want your friendship anyway.

jackiejones · 05/11/2011 19:59

Don't go OP. Cut all ties, be best for everyone.

Kittenunderbed · 05/11/2011 20:03

trois- that's another issue. From the outside at least he's not a rock, whilst being social and nice to friends I've walked in many a time of him talking to her awfully.

I guess I just don't get it.

I'll leave it, points taken on board- no need to convince further.

OP posts:
troisgarcons · 05/11/2011 20:04

Well, she wants to marry him. And he wants to marry her. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

shineynewthings · 05/11/2011 20:06

You have made a moral judgement about your friend and found her wanting. It's O.K. to cut her out of her life if you find you cannot abide her perceived lack of moral fibre, but you haven't got the right to wish her any unhappiness or creative a feeling of negativity towards her as if she had committed some unforgivable sin.

You're effectively hanging on to something that is dead and buried, and digging it up again and again.

Just cut her off and only be strictly amicable in future and stay away from the wedding.

slavetofilofax · 05/11/2011 20:10

I don't think YABU, I would judge one of my friends differently if I discovered they had quite sickening morals as yours did.

And for that reason, I would definately not go to the wedding.

Kittenunderbed · 05/11/2011 20:13

I wish them happiness and hope they have a long and happy married life and this never comes to light. I'm very serious in saying that, if it did it could have a huge impact on not only their lives but future children. I'd hate to have such a secret hanging over me that could wreck my marriage, a few others know too (obviously y who is still a friend of friends and a few girlfriends). I hope it never comes out, I've never even told my husband about it as it's one of those secrets people do pass on.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 05/11/2011 20:20

Well, I would be judgy about her too.

Not about the parallel relationships. Not about the abortion. Not about the lying to catholic family. Not even about continuing the pregnancy for 7 weeks more than necessary, so she could have it done in half-term rather than take a couple of days sick leave.

But yes, I would judge her for putting x through the emotional wringer when it wasn't necessary for her to do that.

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