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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to my DNeice?

39 replies

thesmithandjones · 04/11/2011 21:41

Right.. (sorry to follow what appears to be the 2nd wedding related thread on here at the moment but..)

Me and DP are in the midst of planning our wedding (relatively small one)

anyway.

I'm not wearing a 'wedding dress' or having flowers or such things. Just a nice green dress and people are just wearing ordinary suits. Doing all decorations/invites/favours/food (to some excent) ourselves.

Anyway DBro expressed to me that my DNeice is a bit upset about not being able to be a bridesmaid (she is 12) as she has never been one.
DP only has a baby neice so she obviously doesn't care
my DSis also has a DD and DS (11 and 13) who don't care, they are just happy that we are having a bouncy castle.

Anyway DNeice (according to DBro) is very upset and very much wants to be a bridesmaid. I've explained the DBro (haven't spoken to DN yet) that it isn't that type of wedding (DBro and Dsis didn't really have those type of weddings either - I was a bridesmaid to some excent at DSis but only because I was too young to be a witness, they both had flowers etc)

There aren't those type of roles at our wedding.

I'm sorry she is upset but at 12...

AIB a tiny bit mean to DN?

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 04/11/2011 21:43

Nope, of course you're not!

lettinggo · 04/11/2011 21:50

Not at all. You have whatever type of wedding you want. I think your DB was way out of line to even tell you DN was upset. Why didn't he just explain to his daughter that it wasn't happening, get over it.

This is not your problem. She sounds like a precious child and no wonder if her parents try to make you change your wedding plans because she's upset.

hiddenhome · 04/11/2011 21:54

It's your wedding. She'll get over it. She's just lucky she has family tbh. Don't be emotionally blackmailed into changing your plans just to suit this little upstart.

goodasgold · 04/11/2011 21:54

I would buy the 11/12 /13 yos pretty dresses and ask them to be attendents or bridesmaids.

For me getting married was about the vows that I made with dh. My dsis asked if my niece could be a bridesmaid and I agreed. It didn't change anything. Nothing could change the way that dh and I feel for each other. Stray bridesmaids are not going to ruin anything.

PrincessScrumpy · 04/11/2011 22:07

I'd speak to dn - if she realises you're not having any then she'll get over it. I'm still miffed dbro didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid at his wedding (or his wife anyway). I would have said no as I was planning to be pg (and was 6 months gone at the wedding) but they didn't know that.

Could you give her a job to do?

troisgarcons · 04/11/2011 22:28

My bestfriend came from a large extended family and was always a bridemaid. I felt quite left out. So I can see where your DN is coming from.

However it isnt 'that sort of wedding' but it would be nice to give her a role to play. Ring bearer? maid of honour and takes your bouquet at the alter?

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 04/11/2011 22:30

Is she upset or is her mother upset? Grin

startail · 04/11/2011 22:32

12 is just young enough to want one last go at being a little girl and wearing a pretty dress and feeling special. I think it would be kind to give her an excuse without changing the nature of the wedding. I'm all for sensible weddings.

Original poster
thesmithandjones · 04/11/2011 22:32

goddasgold trying to see my nephew in a dress.. Wink

a job okay i could see that - would i have to give other DNs jobs as well then do you think?

trois not having flowers, isn't a maid of honour like a bridesmaid (but would is adult double as witness? and a ring barer seems a bit too much like a wedding with bridesmaids if that makes sence

OP posts:
HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 04/11/2011 22:32

Blush ignore that. God knows what I read Hmm obviously need to go to bed creating situations in my tiny mind of parent wanting child to be pretty bridesmaid princess.

Clearly delusional.

apologies.

Original poster
thesmithandjones · 04/11/2011 22:36

Dont worry hectate ohh and even if it was i wouldn't know - i make a point not to have a deep relationship with SIL. (i'm sure it isn't SIL in this case but it is the sort of thing she would complain about - usually) but going to give her the benifit of saying this all comes from DN herself.

OP posts:
LikeACandleButNotQuite · 04/11/2011 22:39

Even if you were going the whole hog, meringue dress, bridesmaids etc, she may still not be asked. Your DN is NBU to be sad that on this occasion she isn't a bridesmaid, but your DB is BU to say it to you. I think YWBBU to amend your plans to placate her.

It's not always a bad thing for kids to sometimes not get everything they want (nb: I have never been a bridesmaid, and didnt have any at my wedding)

Avenged · 04/11/2011 23:09

Sounds like your DB is emphasising her upset at not being BM, and may be subtly putting pressure on you to change your wedding plans slightly to get his DD what she wants.

FWIW, it's your wedding plans and if you don't want a BM then don't have one.

birdofthenorth · 04/11/2011 23:19

I'm am considerably older than twelve and I was a but miffed when lifelong BF declared she wasn't having any bridesmaids... then I went to her beautiful, relaxed, lovely wedding, got it, and hit over myself Smile Do what you feel is best, but maybe do something little to make special nieces etc feel special etc (ask her to help with something you are homemaking etc)

birdofthenorth · 04/11/2011 23:19

Got over myself, not hit over myself! iPhone of doom

IneedAbetterNickname · 04/11/2011 23:21

I can see where your DN is cominig from, I was desperate to be a bm at that age (was FINALLY one for the 1st time ever this year, age 27!) however, whenever anyone got married, and didnt ask me, my parents just explained that it was their wedding, and therfore up to them. So I would say yanbu.

chocolatehobnobs · 05/11/2011 04:41

To be fair you would have to have all 3 girls or none... The other 2 might not mind not being a bridesmaid now but they might if you favoured another neice. I would stick to your guns but maybe do something nice with DN maybe help her make a corsage or something.

TheQueenOfDeDead · 05/11/2011 05:06

At 12 surely all be a BM entails is wearing a pretty dress and having the title bestowed upon them.

And 12 is still young enough to really really want to be a BM.

Could you not just buy some pretty dresses and sparkly hairbands? You wouldn't have to change your plans at all and I am sure being a BM would eman far more to your DN than not having BM's would mean to you IYKWIM.

lollystix · 05/11/2011 05:32

I was wondering same as Hecate - dn got 'forced' on me' as bridesmaid by SIL and MIL. She was 7 and not girly but they wanted White dress for her and flower basket etc. They even insisted on visiting for a hair trial at my hairdresser for her.

DN had a face on her throughout the day - clearly wasn't interested. What pissed me off a bit is to this day I'm still not good enough to be called 'auntie'.

Your wedding, your rules I say. As you say, it's not that sort of wedding.

sunnydelight · 05/11/2011 06:23

YANBU. You're not having bridesmaids, what is so hard to understand about that. Your brother should have explained this to HIS daughter. I think it's really unfair to lay a guilt trip on you. Don't change your plans, if someone else trys asking for what they want later it will be hard to say no.

FannyNil · 05/11/2011 06:51

Your brother and his family should have dealt with this amongst themselves. It is your wedding, your day. Your neice should have been told that and no-one should have come to you about it. Do not change your plans - have the wedding you want. Hope it's a brilliant day for you all.

fluffystabby · 05/11/2011 07:14

I reckon SIL has put the idea in DNeice's head and primed her and you're perfectly entitled not to have bridesmaids. Your brother needs to explain that to his wife and his daughter and tell them to get over themselves.

YANBU

StillSquiffy · 05/11/2011 07:21

I had a similar wedding and to appease my two DNs I bought them matching multi-coloured dresses from monsoon, called them bridesmaids, and had them walk in front of me to registrar and stand next to me in photos. They were happy with their lot and it solved the same issue I had

AnotherEmptyNest · 05/11/2011 07:31

It's your wedding and you are the bride so it's your business whether you have a bridesmaid or not.

When I married, I asked my sister and DP's sister to be bridesmaids. My sister wanted to choose her own dress and I thought it was my privilege to choose so I said that I was going to choose. My sister was cross and refused to be a bridesmaid. Tough! It was my wedding.

Oh, and, because it was a small wedding, I didn't ask any cousins (I had 13) so an aunt refused to come because I had not asked her daughter to be a bridesmaid.

They'll get over it.

MummyDoIt · 05/11/2011 07:47

We had a very low-key wedding with two grown-up bridesmaids as I didn't want children. My DN was upset not to be asked but I stuck to my guns - my wedding, my way. My mother then bought her a bridesmaid dress to wear on the day and told her she was the 'flower girl'. At the time, I was annoyed but, looking back, I regret not asking her to be bridesmaid. It wouldn't have made that much difference to me on the day to have three people walk behind me instead of two and it would have made a big difference to her.

Mind you, it depends what you give your bridesmaid to wear. Age 11, I was thrilled to be bridesmaid at my sister's wedding until I discovered I was expected to wear a yellow, flowery creation (think 1970s hippy-style).