to my DNeice?

[thesmithandjones]

Right.. (sorry to follow what appears to be the 2nd wedding related thread on here at the moment but..)

Me and DP are in the midst of planning our wedding (relatively small one)

anyway.

I'm not wearing a 'wedding dress' or having flowers or such things. Just a nice green dress and people are just wearing ordinary suits. Doing all decorations/invites/favours/food (to some excent) ourselves.

Anyway DBro expressed to me that my DNeice is a bit upset about not being able to be a bridesmaid (she is 12) as she has never been one.
DP only has a baby neice so she obviously doesn't care
my DSis also has a DD and DS (11 and 13) who don't care, they are just happy that we are having a bouncy castle.

Anyway DNeice (according to DBro) is very upset and very much wants to be a bridesmaid. I've explained the DBro (haven't spoken to DN yet) that it isn't that type of wedding (DBro and Dsis didn't really have those type of weddings either - I was a bridesmaid to some excent at DSis but only because I was too young to be a witness, they both had flowers etc)

There aren't those type of roles at our wedding.

I'm sorry she is upset but at 12...

AIB a tiny bit mean to DN?

Maybe this is just your brother's way of saying that he'd like to be more involved in your wedding? Not that he has any right to be, of course. But if you have a good relationship with him, maybe he just wants to feel he's got a definite role to play - and maybe he doesn't want to say that outright, so he's suggesting his daughter has a role just as a way of making himself feel included?

Obviously, I've no idea about your family dynamics, so do please ignore if this suggestion is completely off the wall!

Also agree that it would be odd to involve just one niece rather than all nieces/nephews in your wedding itself (even if the others are only interested in a bouncy castle!). But if you are having a do after the ceremony, perhaps you could find a role for her/them? E.g. - 'Dear Brother, we aren't having the sort of wedding that involves bridesmaids. But it would be lovely if DN/all the nieces and nephews could help us out at the party we're having afterwards' - she/they could be involved in helping set out stuff to go on the tables/showing people to their seats/making sure that people know where to go for food and drink/taking requests for music - anything you can think of that might be helpful, really!

Whatever you decide, OP, I hope you have a lovely day.

When DH and I got married it was a smallish do (my 2nd) I have a niece who was then 7 and we wanted her as bridesmaid - DH is an only child but has two first cousins one of whom lives away, the other he is very close to. I only really wanted my niece but for the sake of balance we asked the cousin he was close to and lives down the road if her daughter would like to be the other bridesmaid - all was fine until the cousin who lives away made a fuss about her daughter being left out. I had never met the cousin or the daughter - the upshot was I would not be bullied into changing plans and have 3 bridesmaids - they had to decide. In the end the cousin we were close to decided her daughter would not be a bridesmaid as her sister was upset. The girls couldn't have cared less!
Stick to your guns and do what you want to. Everybody has an opinion on weddings - you can't please everyone.

Sometimes you dont get to do what you want to do - at 12 she'll get over it. your DBro was BU to tell you though.

YANBU at all.

You are not having bridesmaids. Therefore she is not being a bridesmaid. That's the end of it.

Alcina nice idea but with my Dro? no definatly not the reason - and that would be a whole other thread. thanks though.

So glad that IANBU. ta

Mmm - isn't she lucky enough to be going to the wedding! I didn't invite any kids to my wedding, and see lots of threads on here about no kids at weddings.

Also, while your other two nieces are happy not to be flowergirls/bridesmaids currently, they may not be happy at all if you choose this neice to be one but not ask them too.

YANBU at all.

Your wedding and all of that... (the usual MN stuff )

However, that kind of wedding doesn't really matter to a 12 year old, ask her and other DN to be bridesmaids, buy a couple of cheap, pretty dresses at Debenhams or somewhere, let them stand somewhere vaguely near the front when you do your vows, have a couple of photos of them - job done Under £100 two very happy little girls and no real change to the wedding for you - what's not to love about that. You can find an important job for Dnephew - he can help the barman/DJ/whatever.

I agree with chipping. Would it really be that bad to buy a couple of dresses & let them stand near looking pretty.

All this 'it's my wedding' business that people get hung up on. There is an easy road, to be kind & thoughtful without changing the nature of your day. Aren't weddings about families too?

Go on be kind.

yanbu, please dont change your plans, i wanted a small wedding, no fuss! my mil told dh's neice (11) that she would be bridesmaid and guilted us into changing our plans and i hated my wedding that was completely taken over and not at all what i wanted!

I think it sounds like its going to be a lovely wedding by the way. I think it makes it so much more personal when you do it yourselves. I dont think any of you are BU. I probably would let her be a bridesmaid because it would make her really happy but on the other hand if you really dont want to that is fair enough too.

YANBU. There are no bridesmaids at this wedding.

I do think your brother was out of order to raise it with you. What possible reason could there be, except to "give you the chance to change your mind" - i.e. for your brother and niece's wishes to override yours? Very rude of your brother, and not a little manipulative, because it could only ever leave you feeling in the wrong, at some level.

Keep your plans as they are.
She is 12, at secondary school in yr 8, not a 5 year old.

Don't change your wedding just because a 12yrold is upset. your brother shouldn't have told you.
She shouldn't think that just because she wants something she only has to get upset and she'll get what she wants. - you aren't having bridesmaids end of

So, are you really considering upping your wedding bill to some considerable degree by upgrading to the sort of do that has bridesmaids? Because it won't end with a cheap dress from Debenhams. This is a slippery slope, you mark my words!