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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I might be aibu a bit but he is acting like I was COMPLETELY out of order!

43 replies

gremlindolphin · 04/11/2011 14:48

My dh has very random work patterns, has to go abroad at short notice, plans change tc all the time and I generally just get on with what we have to do.

During half term he was first of all going to be away the whole week, then not at all and then finally he did go to Saudi for 2 days (!) returning on the Tuesday.

Several months ago I arranged for my 5 school friends and their children to come for lunch on that Tuesday. We manage to get together once or twice a year now and it was also a chance my friends month old baby.

In the week before when he confirmed he was returning that day he had a complete go at me for arranging this and said i should cancel it as he didn't want to arrive home to a party. He then calmed down and said that as long as he could sleep it would be ok.

I had the lunch, he arrived back shortly before everyone arrived, had lunch with everyone (I had invited a friends husband so he wouldn't be the only boy) and we had a lovely time and they were all gone by 15:00hrs having arrived about 12.

Since then I have never heard the end of it about how selfish I was to plan this event, I should have cancelled it, I have no thought for his feelings etc etc.

I really appreciate how hard he works jet lag, tiredness, stress etc but my event was hardly a regular one.

Anyone?!

OP posts:
TheAnnoyingOrange · 04/11/2011 14:51

Why does he keep going on about it? That's strange behaviour, especially from a man. Sounds like there is a bigger issue here.

mrskeithlemon · 04/11/2011 14:53

YANBU, he is. You are expected to cancel plans for him all the time I should imagine.

dreamingbohemian · 04/11/2011 14:57

I don't think you were BU at all!

If his schedule is really that erratic then it would be very unfair to expect you to rearrange your life around what he's doing all the time.

If he was that exhausted when he came home, he could have gone to bed, I'm sure no one would have been offended. It's not great to come home to a party but you make some polite small talk and excuse yourself, what's the big deal?

I think he's extremely unreasonable to still be complaining about it. Are you having some other problems?

ChippingInAutumnLover · 04/11/2011 14:58

Tell him to STFU & to go and have a good long think about how you are permanently changing things to accommodate his travelling. You never know if you are coming or going - I, for one, could not live like that. I don't mind the travelling for work, but the constantly changing plans and going at the drop of a hat I couldn't cope with. He's bloody lucky to have found someone so willing & able to go with the flow like you do.

He actually expects you, not only to be flexible as a family, but to drop your own plans when it suits him? Tell him to fuck off and when he gets there to fuck off again - until he appreciates the whole world does not revolve around him.

Frankly, after this, he would be having to sort a whole lot of incidental things that you normally do for the family/him when he changes plans and I'd be telling him that if he makes plans for family time in the holidays then he'd better bloody stick to them.

He's being unreasonable & selfish.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 04/11/2011 15:00

Of course YANBU. He can't expect you to tiptoe around especially when his schedule is so unpredictable. He could have just excused himself and gone to bed if he was exhausted.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 04/11/2011 15:00

Nope, you were in the right. Why on earth coudn't he just be pleased that you were meeting up with your friends after all this time, say hi and ask them how they all were and head off to bed for some presumably much needed sleep? Confused

Rhubarb0oooo · 04/11/2011 15:02

I agree with TheAnnoyingOrange, who is very annoying indeed! Wink

It sounds as though there are bigger issues here and he's picking on that one thing rather than tackle the big picture. You need to sit down with him and find out what's going on. It could be that he's getting depressed and the travelling is finally wearing him down, the fact that you were having fun and meeting friends could have left him jealous and he realises what he is missing by all this chopping and changing he has to do.

Whilst it's not great for you, it must be a nightmare for him having to re-arrange his schedule and change plans all the time.

You seriously need to chat rather than go in all guns a'blazing and accuse him of being a selfish pig.

rabbitfeet · 04/11/2011 15:02

I agree with TheAnnoyingOrange - there's a bigger issue at play here

trixymalixy · 04/11/2011 15:33

YA most definitely NBU!!

pictish · 04/11/2011 15:35

YANBU! Tell him to get over himself big time!
What a self important tosspot!

AnnieLobeseder · 04/11/2011 15:39

He's being completely unreasonable and out of order. Are you sure he's not having a go at you to distract you from something you might be mad at him about?

CheeseandPickledOnion · 04/11/2011 15:46

Out of order. I bet you're constantly re-arranging things, getting driven nuts at all your plans changing and having idea where or when he's going to be around.

He needs to wind his neck in. You can't alway change long held plans.

DoMeDon · 04/11/2011 15:51

This is about more than lunch

what is the real issue? Have you always changed plans before and shocked him by refusing? Or do you always do what you like regardless of his comings/goings and he is upset you don't care?

YANBU at all to continue with life and see friends. HIBU and a giant baby.

Original poster
gremlindolphin · 04/11/2011 16:16

Thank you for all your lovely responses, some of which have really made me laugh so thank you!

Not really sure what is going on but he does get very fixated on things that I apparently have done wrong on a regular basis which makes everything quite wearisome.

He is not the easiest person to talk to about this esp when he is in one of his fixations and when he is not I don't say anything because I prefer an easy life which isn't very good really.

OP posts:
activate · 04/11/2011 16:28

oh he's a tosser ignore him

you were not unreasonable to organise something and because his plans changed does not mean your life gets put on hold

ChaoticAngel · 04/11/2011 16:41

YANBU He is being a selfish twat.

Snorbs · 04/11/2011 16:48

Not really sure what is going on but he does get very fixated on things that I apparently have done wrong on a regular basis which makes everything quite wearisome.

Ah, right, so this lunch thing isn't important to him in and of itself, it's more that it's simply the latest bat he is using to beat you with.

Once he's got bored of this one I'm sure he'll go off and find something new to harangue you about.

AVoidkaTheKillerZombies · 04/11/2011 16:49

He is still going on about it - how odd.

LydiaWickham · 04/11/2011 16:52

Well, if you normally say nothing, this is your chance to tell him how his behaviour affects you, as he obviously doesn't think that it does.

I'd get shouty over this, if he gets fixated on things you do wrong, do you point out his failings, or does he think he is perfect and you should be gratefully arranging your life around his every need and whim? Or does he think it doesn't matter if you are inconvienced by his schedule and behaviour because you're less important than him? Should you have cancelled your guests because your friends don't matter? Or should you not have friends and really just focus on looking after him?

Really, either he's a bastard, or he's so self absorbed he's not thought about your feelings and needs.

ChitChattingWithKids · 04/11/2011 17:01

I'm in a similar situation with my DH's work. He works long hours, will often have to do 1 or 2 days travel at the drop of a hat, and also has several round the world trips to factor into the situation throughout the year.

Usually I will work things around his travel plans as best as I can, changing my plans if need be, but I would have done exactly the same thing in your situation and I would have had a real go at DH if he had dared criticise me for it.

He is not the centre of your family!!!!

Besides, napping in the middle of the day is the worst way to get over jet lag. If you nap in the middle of the day you then won't sleep as well the following night.

So tell him HE is being a twat firstly for having a go at you the one time you don't bend over backwards to accommodate his constantly changing plans, and for the fact that you arranged for some lively company to keep him going when he was so tired!!!

WardrobeYeti · 04/11/2011 17:07

He needs you to be the bad guy. You do something wrong, he clings onto it, you stay the bad guy until you do something else. It was months ago and it wasn't even that big a deal and he's STILL talking about it like it was yesterday. It's wrong that this is how he thinks of you inside his head when you haven't done anything. It's warped.

fedupofnamechanging · 04/11/2011 17:11

I'm with Chipping. Your 'd'h sounds like a bully and I think you need to stick up for yourself. Telling him to fuck the fuck off, would be a good place to start.

cuteboots · 04/11/2011 17:15

tell him to wind his neck in and get a grip. You cant live your life around him especially if his plans can change at such short notice.

CopperLocs · 04/11/2011 17:53

Tell him to build a bridge and get over it. The world does not revolve around him.

Original poster
gremlindolphin · 04/11/2011 19:22

Thank you for your responses. They all help!

I particularly like ChippinginAutumn Lover - Tell him to fuck off and when he gets there to fuck off again.

x

OP posts:
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