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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I might be aibu a bit but he is acting like I was COMPLETELY out of order!

43 replies

gremlindolphin · 04/11/2011 14:48

My dh has very random work patterns, has to go abroad at short notice, plans change tc all the time and I generally just get on with what we have to do.

During half term he was first of all going to be away the whole week, then not at all and then finally he did go to Saudi for 2 days (!) returning on the Tuesday.

Several months ago I arranged for my 5 school friends and their children to come for lunch on that Tuesday. We manage to get together once or twice a year now and it was also a chance my friends month old baby.

In the week before when he confirmed he was returning that day he had a complete go at me for arranging this and said i should cancel it as he didn't want to arrive home to a party. He then calmed down and said that as long as he could sleep it would be ok.

I had the lunch, he arrived back shortly before everyone arrived, had lunch with everyone (I had invited a friends husband so he wouldn't be the only boy) and we had a lovely time and they were all gone by 15:00hrs having arrived about 12.

Since then I have never heard the end of it about how selfish I was to plan this event, I should have cancelled it, I have no thought for his feelings etc etc.

I really appreciate how hard he works jet lag, tiredness, stress etc but my event was hardly a regular one.

Anyone?!

OP posts:

Pishtushette · 04/11/2011 19:37

I liked that too. Made me laugh. YANBU.

warthog · 04/11/2011 19:41

what ChippingInAutumnLover said

AnnieLobeseder · 04/11/2011 19:43

I would raise an eyebrow and calmly ask him what exactly makes him and the nap he planned an hour in advance more important than me, my friends and the plans we made months in advance. And for his sake, I'd hope he had a good answer.

Appuskidu · 04/11/2011 19:44

How odd-does he not like other people being in the house?

LuckyRocketshipUnderpants · 04/11/2011 20:25

I love this- "I had invited a friends husband so he wouldn't be the only boy". The only boy. Hee hee. He's certainly acting childish!

Hardgoing · 04/11/2011 20:42

Although there's been some funny remarks on this thread, actually it's quite serious. He's saying you are simply not as important as him in your family. You are second-best and your needs are not as important as his. You know this, so have started keeping quiet and putting up with his going on and on just for a quiet life. That's really sad and if you don't want that in the future, you will have to do something about it.

PigletJohn · 04/11/2011 20:44

Working away from home is very damaging to relationships.

Hands up anyone who didn't already know that?

"He is not the centre of your family!!!!"

He may have noticed that. I bet it makes him feel much better.

Haagendazs · 04/11/2011 20:48

He's being a prize pratt and VU. If he was that tired why didn't he sleep on the flight home?

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/11/2011 22:33

"he does get very fixated on things that I apparently have done wrong on a regular basis"
Well, two possibilities. One - Asperger's. Two - Selfish salf-absorbed me-me-me bastard.
I suspect the second is statistically the most likely.

ChitChattingWithKids · 05/11/2011 12:29

"He is not the centre of your family!!!!"

He may have noticed that. I bet it makes him feel much better.

No, actually, I don't think he has. Otherwise he wouldn't expect everything in the house to be run in order to suit him all the time!

CurlyhairedAssassin · 05/11/2011 12:50

You've got my sympathies, op. Our family life is exactly the same as yours and it's very stressful. Trying to plan events etc is ridiculous in our house. Dh never can say in advance whether he can make things if it's on a working day, for example. The only way he can be sure of attending something like a concert midweek is if he takes annual leave for it. I've lost count of the number of times I've had to let friends down for something I want to attend midweek because DH has rung me last minute to say that he cant get back in time and I can't arrange a babysitter in time.

It's the nature of his job and I really feel for you. You just live with it but it isn't ideal, with constant changes of plans last minute. So I can understand how much you looked forward to the get together you had, especially when it was arranged so far in advance.

But, on the other hand, I could see that for someone whose working life is chaotic and who travels a lot that home becomes a haven for them. I could understand my husband being a bit put out if he had been working away and all he wanted to do when he got home is to kick back on the sofa with a takeaway and instead he has to be all jolly and mingle with people he might not know well etc.

BUT........my husband would be more understanding of the fact that my own social life is constantly turned upside down because of his job and if he dared try and have a proper moan about it to me he would wish he hadn't mentioned it!!! Perhaps you haven't stressed enough in the past how much his job affects you, and yes, you do know that it can't be great for him either and that you appreciate all the extra money etc that it brings but it STILL has a negative impact on family life and you sacrifice things, so HE should have appreciated that he should have sacrificed a few hours on the couch when he got back so that you could go ahead with your long held plans. And he should have done it without a moan. Well, maybe a little one, but to still be going on about it and calling YOU selfish is not on at all. If he can't see that then he's pretty selfish himself.

Georgimama · 05/11/2011 12:56

To still be hectoring your spouse about any one off incident months later is out of order (even if they were originally in the wrong - which you weren't OP). Your husband is selfish and needs to grow up. You need to start standing up for yourself. Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? Seriously?

eurochick · 05/11/2011 12:58

I travel quite a lot for work, often at short notice.

If I was arriving home jet-lagged and knackered I probably wouldn't be overjoyed to find it full of visitors, but I wouldn't think it was in any way my husband's problem or be grumpy about it. Particularly if the social event had been arranged before the trip!

Yellowstone · 05/11/2011 15:15

I think it's been ten days of complaining, not months. But that's ten days too long.

He sounds extremely self-centred OP.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 05/11/2011 16:04

Certainly sounds like there is more to his reaction than meets the eye.

LadyBeagleEyes · 05/11/2011 18:05

It's post's like this that make me ever grateful I'm single.
I also used have to change plans at the last minute all the time for my ex, not any more though.
You really have to talk.

ImperialBlether · 05/11/2011 19:12

I was just going to post that, LadyBeagle! Every time I wish I was with someone, I read a Relationships thread and am so glad I'm not.

TheOriginalFAB · 05/11/2011 19:14

He is being a prat.

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