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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about the way my family have behaved?

41 replies

BuzzAndWoody · 04/11/2011 12:03

I need to go out in 15 minutes, so I will try to make this as understandable as I can, but I may need to drip feed a bit as there is a lot of background etc.

Here goes....
DH has never really been a fan of BIL (my sisters DH). From the moment they met BIL has made inappropriate comments, been disrespectful, shown aggression, antisocial behaviour etc. I've never been a fan either, but we have both tried to get along with him, and bitten our tongues a lot over several things that have been said and done.

Anyway 2.5 years ago we all had a falling out, and while I managed to patch things up with him for my sisters sake, DH had never had the opportunity as we live 400 miles away from them.

My mum was desperate for them to sort it all out, so she told DH several times that BIL wanted a chance to explain things and to sort everything out. DH was keen to do this, as as far as he is concerned, it's all water under the bridge and forgotten about, despite the fact that he has tried to shake hands and speak to BIL on about 5 occasions since the falling out and has been completely blanked and ignored.

So a couple of weeks ago we were visiting my mum, and my mum asked that they sit down and sort out their differences. As soon as DH went to shake BIL's hand, he just turned around, then when they sat down in the living room to talk, BIL said he was not interested in being friends and that DH was acting like a . In fact he he had never had any intention of making amends, he says that he was "ordered" to do so by my sister and my mum.

Anyway to cut a very long story short, throughout their hour long conversation, he continually threatened DH with physical violence and then eventually he left the room, before turning round coming back in and punching DH, grabbing him by the throat, forcing him down onto the sofa and then headbutting him.

We rang the police and he was arrested, but he put in a counter claim against both myself and my DH as I tried to pull him off DH and DH tried to push him off.

Anyway, I don't really want to go into details of that as I'm not even sure if I am allowed to discuss it, and if not then I may need to pull this, but what has really upset me is that my mum and sister are now completely ignoring me - I have heard nothing from them since - I am not 100% sure, but I think they are annoyed that we pressed charges. I know he is my sister's DH, but I honestly can tell you that I have never been so scared in my life as I was that afternoon. At one point I thought he might kill my DH Sad.

I've got to go now but will check back later.

OP posts:
grovel · 04/11/2011 12:05

YABU. Seems pretty normal to me.

Housewifefromheaven · 04/11/2011 12:11

Why would your dh trying to make amends end with him being head butted? If it was totally unprovoked then I say good riddance to the lot of them. Why would they condone that sort of behaviour?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/11/2011 12:11

Well if your mum saw what happened and is supporting your BIL's violence then that's her choice and it's the wrong one. I don't know what she expected that you'd do, was there anybody else who could have pulled BIL off your husband?

I wonder if the 'make amends' thing was really dreampt up and instigated by your mother. It sounds like something a mother might do. Your BIL has no interest, obviously, in maintaining a family link so just don't bother, really. You can see your sister separately, your mother also, and there's no need to get involved with BIL at all.

You don't need to take this from them, they're in the wrong and if you were worried enough to call the police then so be it. They don't just come and arrest people for no reason in 'domestics'.

I don't think you need to post anymore info either. There's enough here, you're not being unreasonable. You just need to come to terms with the fact that your family is not what you thought it was and you need to decide how you're going to interract with them in future.

manicbmc · 04/11/2011 12:12

Eh? Normal?

Her dh was trying (under order of his mil) to sort out a falling out and let bygones be bygones and he was rewarded with violence. You are right to press charges. If he thinks that's an acceptable way to behave to someone in the family how does he behave at other times?

GodKeepsGiving · 04/11/2011 12:12

Do you think your sister and BIL have lied to your mother about what happened and made it appear that you were being threatening? I can't think of any other explanation - unless there's a chance that DH and BIL knew each other before the latter met your sister. It seems so odd that there would be so much hostility otherwise. I think it must be really upsetting that your mum and sister are ignoring you and I don't really think your mother is being fair. Could there be more to your husband's and BIL's relationship than you are aware of, it is odd that he took such a dislike to your DH from the start.

pigletmania · 04/11/2011 12:20

Yanbu at all. Bil sounds like a nasty piece if work. Have nowt to do with him, instead see your sister on her own. Wonder what he's like to your sister

Original poster
BuzzAndWoody · 04/11/2011 14:30

It ended with DH being headbutted because they were discussing the falling out, and both of them thought they were in the right IYSWIM. DH said something along the lines of, "Things have not been right between you and I from the start, because on the first day you met me you made a comment that I thought was really inappropriate" DH didn't want to repeat it, but BIL kept pushing and pushing, so eventually DH said what it was, and ended up being attacked.
Don't get me wrong - DH was very angry about being put in the situation, and was raising his voice, but he is not a violent person, and would never have expected that it would end up like it did. BIL also pushed me pretty hard, so yes I do have concerns about how he may be with my sister.
My mum didn't actually see it happen - I was the only one in the room. I was pulling at BIL with all of my might and screaming for help at the top of my voice and eventually my sister came in and BIL stood up straight away.

Ideally I would love to be able to stay close to my mum and sister, but my sister went with BIL to press charges against me and DH Shock Sad, and hasn't spoken to me since, and my mum just walked around with a stern face, and didn't make any attempt to see if DH was ok, even though he had a swollen, bleeding nose, burst lip and has been told that two of his teeth may die. She just says that she is not taking sides, which I suppose is understandable, but this just seems like more than that.

I've no idea if they have lied or not, but my guess is that they've bent the truth (or BIL has).

DH and BIL had never met before knowing me and my sister - BIL is just generally not a very nice person, it's not exclusive to DH. I also think there are cultural differences too - BIL is Scottish and DH is Southern English. I have heard on the grapevine that BIL doesn't have a great fondness for those south of the border.

Thank you for all the replies, just not sure whether to contact them (mum and sister) or not. I was quite cross with my mum and let her know before we left, so I just don't know whether to apologise or not.

OP posts:
TimothyClaypoleLover · 04/11/2011 14:37

Mmm, tough one. Tempted to say sod the lot of them if they behave and condone such behaviour. However, given the likelihood that your sister and BIL have probably lied to your mum I would either speak to your mum or write/text to her (if speaking is not possible) stating how upset you are that she is condoning an unprovoked attack on your DH and that if BIL and sister have said any different they are lying. That if she continues to side with them then you have no choice but to cut them out of your lives as their behaviour is unacceptable.

diddl · 04/11/2011 14:47

"BIL said he was not interested in being friends and that DH was acting like a **. In fact he he had never had any intention of making amends, he says that he was "ordered" to do so by my sister and my mum."

If he said that, I can´t understand why it went any further tbh.
Why didn´t your husband just say ok & leave it at that?

mummymccar · 04/11/2011 14:48

I actually gasped reading your OP - how awful! You must be heartbroken at how your sister has acted towards to too. Is this usual behaviour for her? Do you normally have a very close relationship? Tbh, in your position I would be concerned for her too. I'd put some distance between yourself and your sister for the moment - she will be in a situation where she either has to believe him or else she actually wants to, in which case speaking to her right now may make things worse.
Definitely try to talk to your mum though. Make sure she understands that you aren't asking her to take sides, but at the moment she is freezing you out and so she is taking sides in that way. I imagine that BIL and DSis have said something to her.

Afrikasmum · 04/11/2011 16:40

What on earth do YOU want to apologise for? If everything is as you have written you don't owe anyone an apology. I cut myself off from my family years ago and have had nothing but peace and quiet ever since. I know it's hard but my advice would just be to stay away from them all and get on with your life until they come to you - and they will.

CopperLocs · 04/11/2011 18:25

Sometimes blood is not thicker than water...

Unless I've read this wrong, I think your mum has a massive part to play in this. She essentially decieved your DH into thinking BIL was up to this and "forced" BIL into taking part in this. It's never a good idea to try to trick people into having any sort of relationship with eachother.

Fully understand why you called the police. He assaulted somebody. Do your family think this should pass without consequence?

Original poster
BuzzAndWoody · 04/11/2011 18:57

TCLover - I've tried to speak to my mum calmly and I've asked if she can just listen to what I have to say as I was the only one there, but she just said "I don't want to hear it!" I did actually say it anyway but she just nodded and didn't say anything. I think she is also annoyed at DH because he questioned her and was angry about the fact that she'd lied to him. Even if that's the case, I just don't think anyone ever deserves to be physically attacked. They all just seem to think it was a "punch-up" ( which they clearly think is ok) but it really was such a horrible vicious one sided attack. DH did actually leave the room after he was told he had been acting like a but my mum then started shouting about how she might not have a roof over her head soon (her and stepdad are splitting up), and then sped off in her car, so they decided for her sake to try to talk again.

Yes I know it sounds like something from Jeremy Kyle......

OP posts:
stepawayfromtheecclesCakes · 04/11/2011 19:06

I would let things lie for a while and stay out of contact until things have calmed down then try calling a family conference somewhere neutral and possibly public to try and sort things out. In the meantime write everyone a letter putting your point of view across

boohoobabywho · 04/11/2011 19:43

you live 400 miles away... who cares?
its not as though you are going to bump into him on the school run

fedupofnamechanging · 04/11/2011 20:19

So your mum basically engineered this situation and has now washed her hands of it. If she didn't want to be involved, then she shouldn't have interfered in the first place.

Are the police going ahead with the charges? if so, what you saw and did will all come out in court anyway. Has your dh seen a doctor and had his injuries documented by them and by the police?

If this was my family, I would make a last ditch attempt to contact my mum and sister (maybe in writing) and lay it all out, exactly as it happened. If they don't respond well to you, then I'd cut them off. I cannot for the life of me understand how your mother cannot be talking to you, when she has had a huge hand in how events turned out.

Your poor dh. I think you might owe it to him to not have these fucked up people in his life.

Original poster
BuzzAndWoody · 04/11/2011 20:21

Boohoo - I don't give a monkeys about him - but I do care about the way we've been treated and about my relationship with my family.

OP posts:
Original poster
BuzzAndWoody · 04/11/2011 20:28

Karma - I believe they are going ahead with the charges yes, though the Scottish legal system is very different to down here so I'm not really sure how it all works. The police documented the injuries and he also visited A and E and an emergency dentist so yes it's all on record. I really feel so sorry for DH - he's never experienced anything like this in his life. I think I'll leave it a while and then try to contact them via letter.

OP posts:
duvetdayplease · 04/11/2011 20:28

Boohoo - what do you mean 'who cares' - it's her mum and sister, not a passing acquaintance ffs!

OP, no idea really what to say but if your mum and sister are determined to take the course of supporting BIL's version then I guess it is out of your hands. I don't see how you can drop something as serious as this just to keep the peace. Sorry this has happened, sounds very upsetting.

Whatmeworry · 04/11/2011 20:36

Family barneys......no logic to them and it looks like everyone has decided where they stand. Let them contact you.

wheredidiputit · 04/11/2011 20:50

I would actually leave your mum and sister to get on with it. You live 400 miles away get on with your family life.

I'm sorry but your mum has taken side it clear from her actions.

purplepidjin · 04/11/2011 20:51

Is your sister regularly subjected to this kind of abuse, and your Mum desperately trying to keep a link so she can support her if/when she gets out?

SuzyLewis · 04/11/2011 21:20

Shock you poor poor thing, I read most if these posts with my mouth open in amazement... (only noticed when I became very parched and needed squash!)... All jesting aside though, there is absolutely no reason for you or DH to put up with that kind of crap from anyone, and perceived cultural differences are no excuse AT ALL... believe me, there are plenty of aggressive bstardy tats here down South too, he can't use Scottishness as justification. Ridiculous... Please just concentrate on yourself, DH and children, don't let the others get to you. If this involved friends instead of family, you wouldn't think twice about cutting them out of your life. Your mum and sister have behaved appallingly IMHO and you deserve better

SkinnyWhiteBoy · 04/11/2011 23:16

Wow.
As other posters have said - make sure that your DH's injuries are documented.
You did the right thing to press charges.
Violence should never be tolerated.
If he can engage in violence for this, it's highly likely that he's done so before, and might already have a record for it.
I agree with above posters who say your mum has clearly chosen a side.
Have as little to do with her and your sister as you can possibly bring yourself to, and don't feel bad about it. They're the ones who've done wrong.

pictish · 04/11/2011 23:17

What a fucking arsehole!

If they condone and side with that sort of conduct, then it's a big fuck 'em from me!

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