To be upset about the way my family have behaved?

[BuzzAndWoody]

I need to go out in 15 minutes, so I will try to make this as understandable as I can, but I may need to drip feed a bit as there is a lot of background etc.

Here goes....
DH has never really been a fan of BIL (my sisters DH). From the moment they met BIL has made inappropriate comments, been disrespectful, shown aggression, antisocial behaviour etc. I've never been a fan either, but we have both tried to get along with him, and bitten our tongues a lot over several things that have been said and done.

Anyway 2.5 years ago we all had a falling out, and while I managed to patch things up with him for my sisters sake, DH had never had the opportunity as we live 400 miles away from them.

My mum was desperate for them to sort it all out, so she told DH several times that BIL wanted a chance to explain things and to sort everything out. DH was keen to do this, as as far as he is concerned, it's all water under the bridge and forgotten about, despite the fact that he has tried to shake hands and speak to BIL on about 5 occasions since the falling out and has been completely blanked and ignored.

So a couple of weeks ago we were visiting my mum, and my mum asked that they sit down and sort out their differences. As soon as DH went to shake BIL's hand, he just turned around, then when they sat down in the living room to talk, BIL said he was not interested in being friends and that DH was acting like a . In fact he he had never had any intention of making amends, he says that he was "ordered" to do so by my sister and my mum.

Anyway to cut a very long story short, throughout their hour long conversation, he continually threatened DH with physical violence and then eventually he left the room, before turning round coming back in and punching DH, grabbing him by the throat, forcing him down onto the sofa and then headbutting him.

We rang the police and he was arrested, but he put in a counter claim against both myself and my DH as I tried to pull him off DH and DH tried to push him off.

Anyway, I don't really want to go into details of that as I'm not even sure if I am allowed to discuss it, and if not then I may need to pull this, but what has really upset me is that my mum and sister are now completely ignoring me - I have heard nothing from them since - I am not 100% sure, but I think they are annoyed that we pressed charges. I know he is my sister's DH, but I honestly can tell you that I have never been so scared in my life as I was that afternoon. At one point I thought he might kill my DH .

I've got to go now but will check back later.

How awful for you and DH. DM does have to take some responsibility for lying and engineering the situation.
For whatever reason your sister cannot or will not take your side against her DH maybe he hits her too?I understand how upset you are that your mum does not support you. I would write to your mum and sis and say you will not contact them again until they are no longer protecting this animal.

Does your mum live near to your sister & BIL?

Might explain why she isn´t saying anything against them.

I can´t help thinking, with others that your sister is scared of him-since she wasnß,´t there, she shouldn´t be getting involved imo.

He sounds an absolute thug.

I think you need to let your sister know you'll always have a sofa ready for her, frankly I'm worried she's a DV vistim and am praying she doesn't have kids with this man. I don't think this sicko will be your BIL forever somehow.

Leave your Mum be for 6 months. She's trying to create the Brady family with a feral animal. At the moment pressing charges shatters her iillusions of family unity, but with time she'll see unprovoked violence in her living room is beyond disrrespectable to herself. She wants the Waltons but she's got Jeremy Kyle. It must have been a massive shock. You are her daughter, so she'll come round with enough time under the bridge. Let her know you love her, but that your love doesn't extend to taking beatings from random low lifes for no good reason.

I'd having nothing to do with the brother in law ever again. You didn't choose this man to become part of your family, he's sick so keep him away. If you have kids then part of raising them is protecting them, this man shouldn't come anywhere near your children, ever. He's far from a good role model.

You did right with the police and you and your husband need to support each other through any court proceedings that might come from this and then move on together.

I would let your mum and sister make the first move. I'm afraid your mum appears to be making a pretty clear statement by not getting in touch.

Your BIL being Scottish is totally irrelevant and don't really see why you would mention it. He's just a thuggish twat and would be so whatever his nationality. I hope it all works out for you though, and your mum sees sense.

Diddl - yes my mum lives near to them and also employs BIL as a manager for one of her businesses. I can't be sure but I do think that has something to do with it.

Unfortunately they do have two children together, who were two rooms away with my ds when this incident happened. TBH that has worried me too . They are all under 4.

Megatron - I only mentioned BIL being Scottish to put into context the possible reason that he may have had to be at odds with DH. BIL is a supporter of a football team that have very sectarian views, and I've been told that that will be a factor in his attitude to DH. I wasn't saying anything negative about BIL being Scottish - I am myself.

For the time being just be grateful you live 400 miles away from them all, and see what comes about with the charges. Your poor DH, hope he is ok now.

You mum is totally out of line taking sides, even if it was about pressing charges, you said that BIL pressed counter charges, so it's like one rule for them and one rule for you guys. Hard as it is (and they are your family, not that that's your fault!) maybe a "their loss" attitude towards them for the time being? Maybe a bit harsh....but it all sounds like an episode of JK!

"employs BIL as a manager for one of her businesses."

Blimey, it gets worse!

I agree that you sound well out of it tbh.

How often do you see your mum & sister & is this likely to change things?

I can see from your mum & sister´s point of view that they are "stuck" in that they have to deal with him from day to day & I suppose are trying to make their lives as easy as possible.

In some ways I can´t really see why your mum would be so bothered about her sons in law not getting on-given the distance between you & the times that yohat you might all be together.

sorry if my previous message stirred it up a bit.... my intnention was meant in the same spirit as wheredidiputit but she was clearer than me.

let them get on with it and have a lovely time with your DH and DC and thank your lucky stars you are 400 miles away from all that nastiness.

Some people seem to live in an episode of Jeremy Kyle.

What an awful situation for you and DH.

I think perhaps your BIL spun some tale about your DH starting it. Your DSis probably believes him because she has to - either because she is a victim herself or because she doesn't want to let herself believe he could be like that. I think probably the latter, because he stopped as soon as she came in.

Your DM might be similarly deluding herself, she too has a stake in not believing he could be a thug. People often believe what's easier for them to accept until they have no choice.

That doesn't excuse them, though, and it doesn't make things any easier for you. I would agree with the people who suggest leaving it be for a while. It sounds like they won't listen to you anyway. Maybe a letter to your mum, if you need to give it another try. You must be worried about your DSis and their DCs too, make sure that comes out in the letter.

Other than that, I doubt there's anything you can really do, sadly. Do not drop the charges, though, people like that need to face the justice system or they will think they can get away with it.

Good luck, and I hope your DH heals up well.

I think you have behaved beautifully OP because I can safely say that my finger nails would have been deeply embedded in that thugs retinas in the same situation (which really wouldn't have helped things on your part)

Does BIL have any previous records of violent behavior known to the police?

Sorry only just seen the rest of the responses.

Because of the distance, I would probably normally see my mum every few months (either me going up or her coming down) and my sister less, as she never comes to visit. I am used to speaking to them quite a lot on the phone though. I completely agree that I can't understand why she was so desperate for them to get on. Because she is in the process of splitting up with her DH (not my dad), I do think she probably felt that she wanted everyone to stick together and support her, and in that respect I feel sorry for her, but there's no way that we can just put this all behind us now.

HowlingBitch - I did actually swipe at him at one point , but I missed (not sure what is worse TBH), but only as a knee-jerk reaction to him pushing me in the chest. TBH I was a bit worried that he was going to start on me next.
I have no idea if he has any violent behaviour known to the police. I think he was convicted of fraud though a few years ago?

I suppose the main reason why I came on here is because my mum had told my dad what had happened, and he is a pretty fair and level headed guy, and he said that as he wasn't there, he is not taking sides. He also said that it takes the "bigger man to hold out the olive branch". I did however explain to him that DH has held out the olive branch on several occasions in the past few years and had it thrown back in his face.

After speaking to him it made me wonder whether or not I should try to smooth things over, but I still feel so angry and upset.

Thank you for all your kindness towards DH - he is much better now thank you.

Do not try to smoothe things over, you and your DH have done nothing to deserve what your BIL did.

It down to your mother, sister or BIL to make amends now. Everything your done over the years has been thrown back in your face.

"Whatever they think, they are taking BIL's side because nobody who cared equally about both parties could possible ignore or defend BIL's behaviour. It is unforgivable. Yet they are obviously only too willing to forgive him even though he hasn't apologised, hasn't tried to make ammends and instead has been even more spiteful after the event by trying to press charges against the person that he punched and head butted."

That is exactly the way I see it CustardCake. After speaking to my dad, I was honestly starting to think that I was losing the plot for thinking that way.

The day after it happened, my stepdad told DH that he had acted like a school kid going to the police like the teachers in the playground . I honestly just cannot put into words how perplexed I am by some of the views that these people have.