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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask DC's friend over for lunch?

28 replies

FleeBee · 03/11/2011 17:28

My DC1 is 3 (nearly 4) and goes to a preschool for 5 mornings a week, she's made a lovely friend, Lucy, and they always play together.

DC is always asking me if she can have Lucy round to play, or if she can meet Lucy at the Park, or if Lucy can come for lunch. Which would be absolutely fine with me but I don't know how to explain to DC that Lucy's mum doesn't talk to me!

Just before the nursery broke up for summer holidays, I passed Lucy's mum a note with my number on in case she and Lucy wanted to meet up to play over the holidays. The mum looked really shocked, and I didn't hear from the mum at all over the summer. Once back in September, I saw Lucy and her mum, but didn't mention anything about the holidays as guessed she'd been busy. I always say hello in the morning and goodbye at pick up but the mum really doesn't speak to me. I'm so embarrassed that I've made a mistake with the note, but really just wanted the DC to get together over the holidays.

Now my DC is really, really pestering to play with Lucy after preschool, so I said I'd try and see if it would be OK with Lucy's mum. I feel really uncomfortable trying to start a conversation and really don't want to make the mum feel awkward or put on the spot. So I thought maybe another note just to ask if Lucy would like to come and play after the session. I've got a spare car seat so would be happy to take both DC home and bring Lucy back home after lunch and a few hours play, but after the last note bombed so badly and the silences afterwards I'm wary of doing the wrong thing.

As well as Lucy (who I guess is nearly 4) there is a baby brother about 9 months(ish) they always walk so I guess they live locally, I live further out so always come in the car.

I really don't know what to do! I'd love the DC to play together, as mine seems so fond of her and all nursery staff remark how well they play together. AIBU to send the note? AIBU to think a preschooler might come over to play? AIBU to cause offence or should I just tell my DC that it's not going to happen and to just enjoy playing at preschool. This is her first "friend" that she has made by herself so I'd love for them to get together.

I'm clueless and need advice!

OP posts:
Swankyswishing · 03/11/2011 17:31

How about asking the mum round for a coffee with Lucy and her younger child, so that your daughter and Lucy can play and so that you and her mum can get to know each other. The mum might be shy.

jendot · 03/11/2011 17:36

Just walk up to her bold as brass and say " dd has been asking if Lucy can come over to play one day after school.....? She will either say yes lovely and you can make plans...or she will say no....or make an excuse, then you can just say ok no problems and smile......
I don't get it, whats with the note passing etc?? Its like being at school.

If she says no she says no...you have nothing to be embarrassed about by asking. If she says yes then great. You may find if you make the first move she is a nice lady and you become best of friends.

Original poster
FleeBee · 03/11/2011 17:43

The note was just to give her my number in case she wanted to meet up over the summer break. I just don't seem to be able to start or make a conversation with the mum she really doesn't speak to me. I don't necessarily want to be be best friends for life, just that the kids might get together and play.

In my mind a note meant she could think it over without being put on the spot. Plus I'm apprehensive about approaching her as I'm very shy too. But if it's a bad idea to pass a note I shall forget that idea. Thanks for the advice

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 03/11/2011 17:46

How about talking to her when the kids aren't there so she can say no if she wants without them getting upset. Say x really likes Lucy could she come to play x afternoon?

jendot · 03/11/2011 17:49

If you really can't face the idea of talking to her then a note would be ok.... I personally would find it a bit wierd if someone at preschool walked up to me and handed me a note about inviting dd for a playdate rather than just asked me. But I am a little in your face at times...so maybe not the best person to take advice from!
You are going to have to survive the next 10 years of walking up to strange women to arrange playdates/ taking dd to random groups etc women yelling at you when dd does something untoward etc...even if shy for sanitys sake I would try to conquer this one!
Good luck x

Original poster
FleeBee · 03/11/2011 17:56

Another 10 years? And then to go through it all again with DC2. GULP.

Right I shall pluck the courage ask the mum tomorrow. Good suggestion to do it without DCs being there in case she says no.

OP posts:
dearheart · 03/11/2011 18:04

I would find it odd too - much better to invite the family round with a verbal invitation, I think. But not everyone is into the playdate thing when dcs are that young - I certainly wasn't - so don't take it personally if she isn't interested.

Original poster
FleeBee · 03/11/2011 18:58

OK, if it's a bit too young then I'll leave it, and just explain to my DD that they can play together at nursery.

Thanks for the opinions.

OP posts:
ItsGrimUpNorth · 03/11/2011 19:26

I'd have been delighted if someone had offered a playdate at that age. I would have wanted to come along too at first but generally it would have been fine with me.

Go on. Ask her.

RomanKindle · 03/11/2011 20:20

DD has been to playdates at her nursery friends houses and they have been to us. Always with the parents though. I wouldn't personally be comfortable sending her to someones house if I didn't know them well just yet.
As for the note passing thing - if you just handed a note without a word spoken that would be weird imo but if you had a chat which culminated in you writing your number down for her that's not weird at all imo.
The mum might not be a big talker but she doesn't need to be. Just go up to her and say 'hi - dd has been asking if x could come round and play one day' and she will have to reply! If she says yes then great but if she says no at least you can tell dd you asked.

mamseul · 03/11/2011 20:41

Definitely worth plucking up the courage to ask again, but if you speak rather than write it'll be easier for her to voice any worries - like, not sure if her DD would get upset in a strange home without her - and you can then offer a way round or smile and back away. I do sympathise. It can be hard getting these things going but if this one doesn't work out try not to let it put you off inviting other friends.

Towndon · 03/11/2011 20:41

It would be great to receive this kind of invitation. However I might wonder why the person had never chatted to me informally before.

redwineformethanks · 03/11/2011 21:03

I'd say go for it. I really feel for you as your OP suggests you're not v confident about it. I'd suggest you try to imagine yourself as a very confident person and live your life in those shoes for a few days. Someone approaches you with a hand-written note containing their phone number - great, very personal, they went to the bother of writing it down, that's fine. Maybe you like the idea, but you're busy so don't get round to calling. Doesn't mean you don't like them. You're just busy. Then imagine yourself in a more confident frame of mind "Hi, ........never stops talking about Lucy, so I wondered if she would like to come and play one day next week, maybe Thursday? Would that suit you?" If Mum says yes, that's fine. If she says No, that's OK too. You can suggest another date if you like. My DD has plenty of friends that I'd like to see more, but sadly I'm often too busy / disorganised. If one of them made a bit more effort than the others, then it's likely that's the one we'd see. My top tip would be to avoid suggesting a regular arrangement unless you know the people well. I love seeing people, the more the better, but I do feel wary of committing to do anything on a regular basis.

Towndon · 03/11/2011 21:47

Don't worry if she says no - if you can pluck up courage to ask this person you can ask others too. Your DC will know other children at nursery that she/he could become good friends with as well.

wellwisher · 03/11/2011 21:49

She probably thinks you're a weirdo after the note. Why don't you just talk to her like a normal person? Does she literally blank you and walk off if you try?

Stay123 · 03/11/2011 21:55

I would love someone to pass a note/talk to me to invite my little boy to play but all the mums seem really quiet and never make eye contact. Go on, dive in and ask her. Either your little girl will be delighted if she says yes or if she says no it's not your fault and at least you will have done it and got it off your mind.

mumofthreekids · 03/11/2011 22:02

Please ask her OP - don't let one post saying they are too young put you off! I used to find it nerve-wracking too - almost like asking a man out on a date!!

Tigresswoods · 03/11/2011 22:05

Sounds to me like Lucy's Mum is shy. Shy people are often mistaken for rude.

Do as others have said, invite them all over or suggest a trip to the park?

Good luck. Grin

QuintessentialShadow · 03/11/2011 22:07

I would think the mum found it too early to send her dd home with a stranger for playdates. I think the done thing is to invite mum AND child for coffee, tea and a play. My dc did not have playdates until reception age, and then it was usually with a parent in tow the first couple of times. And yes, I would have found a note odd.

skybluepearl · 03/11/2011 22:25

is mum just a bit shy?

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 03/11/2011 23:23

It's a funny thing! I have DD of 3 and a half and a DD of 7 and I am taking the whole playdate thing much more calmly this time around....DD has asked me bout having friends from preschool over, but I have put her off so far...there's no real need....and I tell DD that she can when she's actually in school!

I don''t really want to seem off putting but if someone asked me I would say yes...the lady you asked sounds shy to me...

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 03/11/2011 23:26

mumofthree Grin that's so right! The fear of rejection! Now I am on DD number two i have realised though that they pick their own mates...no matter HOW some other parents don't like it (me included at times) they know who they like and they go for it.

Original poster
FleeBee · 03/11/2011 23:43

I've tried to chat with the mum about informal things in the past, but I don't get a response back, so I've just stuck to a hello/goodbye/have a good weekend stuff now. The first note, I went over and said that I know the girls are getting to be good friends, so if she felt like meeting up over the holidays, maybe going to the park or something then we'd really like it. And here is my number. I gave her a note with my mobile number and name.

The only reason I thought about Lucy coming to me for a lunch, as I thought it may give the mum a break and the baby may nap after lunch. I don't know if she drives and as I'm not walking distance and couldn't give everyone a lift back from the preschool. My DD keeps saying to me Lucy wants to come and play after nursery, so I keep saying that Lucy has to check with her mummy.

I don't know if the mum is shy or if I've upset/offended her in anyway, I just don't get encouraging vibes! This is the first time my DD has ever shown an interest in a friendship as she was very a shy and reserved girl. She's really coming out of her shell since going to the preschool, so I guess I wanted to encourage her to make friends.

I was made redundant when pg with DC2 , and now I'm at home all day in a new area with my two DC. I quite often don't speak to another soul all day, and now I feel I've lost all skills in personal communication I think I'm going paranoid and slightly bonkers. Which is probably why I'm thinking about passing notes. I guess I need to take the plunge and try talking to the mum.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 03/11/2011 23:48

write a note inviting lucy on specific day and time. write on note that mum and baby are welcome to come too.

redwineformethanks · 04/11/2011 00:01

I think there's nothing wrong with passing a note to her and I'm a little surprised other people think it's odd. Worth bearing in mind that even though you now have quite a lot of free time, other people may not.