to ask DC's friend over for lunch?

[FleeBee]

My DC1 is 3 (nearly 4) and goes to a preschool for 5 mornings a week, she's made a lovely friend, Lucy, and they always play together.

DC is always asking me if she can have Lucy round to play, or if she can meet Lucy at the Park, or if Lucy can come for lunch. Which would be absolutely fine with me but I don't know how to explain to DC that Lucy's mum doesn't talk to me!

Just before the nursery broke up for summer holidays, I passed Lucy's mum a note with my number on in case she and Lucy wanted to meet up to play over the holidays. The mum looked really shocked, and I didn't hear from the mum at all over the summer. Once back in September, I saw Lucy and her mum, but didn't mention anything about the holidays as guessed she'd been busy. I always say hello in the morning and goodbye at pick up but the mum really doesn't speak to me. I'm so embarrassed that I've made a mistake with the note, but really just wanted the DC to get together over the holidays.

Now my DC is really, really pestering to play with Lucy after preschool, so I said I'd try and see if it would be OK with Lucy's mum. I feel really uncomfortable trying to start a conversation and really don't want to make the mum feel awkward or put on the spot. So I thought maybe another note just to ask if Lucy would like to come and play after the session. I've got a spare car seat so would be happy to take both DC home and bring Lucy back home after lunch and a few hours play, but after the last note bombed so badly and the silences afterwards I'm wary of doing the wrong thing.

As well as Lucy (who I guess is nearly 4) there is a baby brother about 9 months(ish) they always walk so I guess they live locally, I live further out so always come in the car.

I really don't know what to do! I'd love the DC to play together, as mine seems so fond of her and all nursery staff remark how well they play together. AIBU to send the note? AIBU to think a preschooler might come over to play? AIBU to cause offence or should I just tell my DC that it's not going to happen and to just enjoy playing at preschool. This is her first "friend" that she has made by herself so I'd love for them to get together.

I'm clueless and need advice!

Honestly, just ask her. All this note passing is a bit daft. The worst that will happen is that she will say 'No thank you, we don't do playdates' then at least you will be able to say to your DD 'I know you would like Lucy to come and play but her Mummy said she isn't allowed to until she's older' or something instead of dragging it out. The best that could happen is that you break the ice with another shy person and your DD gets to have Lucy over to play. Go on - you can do it!!

Oh and they definitely aren't too young!

I also vote for just asking her, but dont take it personally if she skirts round the invite and doesnt come.

I have no intention of doing these playdate things, im shy and busy, i have my own friends and familys kids round enough to get into the school kids too, when DS is old enough to play out (seems about 6 here, pretty safe villiage type place) then he can play with kids in the street and be in and out of each other houses, but i just dont want to sit and make small talk with a mom from nursery while my son will be just as happy with out the pal there. slightly anti social, yes, but really nothing against the invitee :)

Reading your last post, I would suggest you go to baby and toddler groups if their are any in your area. It sounds like you could use some company and might get to know a few new people. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, but I was in your situation (new area with a small child) and found it really helped to see some adult faces even if only at groups.

Apart from that, do invite the other mum for coffee/tea along with Lucy and the baby, most people wouldn't be comfortable with their DC going on a playdate with someone unless they know the parents well.

It is odd that she won't talk to you, though. You can try to make inroads, but might have to accept that a playdate won't happen.