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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my kids r better off without me?

38 replies

Flojo1979 · 03/11/2011 14:50

I dunno whats wrong with me, ppl used to tell me i'm a good mum and i used to beam with pride and totally agree, these days when they say it i think "u've really no idea have u". I feel guilty all the time. My poor poor DS is being emotionally abused, one minute I'm screaming and shouting at him, the next i'm telling him i love him and cuddling him as tho that makes up for it and to hide my guilt. I try to talk to ppl about it and they dont take it seriously, they just say dont be daft u r a good mum. How did i some how lose the ability to communicate with my children, and go from this happy positive praise parenting to this habitual nagging thing i do now? and more importantly how do i get 'the good mum' back?

OP posts:
blackeyedsusan · 03/11/2011 14:51

how old is your ds?

Thingumy · 03/11/2011 14:51

You sound terribly stressed OP.

What changed to make you a 'nag'?

blackeyedsusan · 03/11/2011 14:53

i always get more shouty when stressed or tired. how are things for you sleep/stress wise?

Deargdoom · 03/11/2011 14:54

I think you need to speak to your GP. It sounds like stress/depression and there is help for it. You're probably being too hard on yourself.

DooinMeCleanin · 03/11/2011 14:55

Do you get a break from things or any help with house work etc? I'd go mad if it was just me and the children all day long.

Take some time out for yourself. Go swimming a couple of times a week possible or even just lie down and have a hot bath.

I find it's easier if we get of the house at least once a day, even if it's just for half an hour.

How old is DS and do you have a partner?

YABU btw. You're also being very very very unreasonable for using txt spk. It makes my brain bleed trying to dechiper it. Please desist immediately Grin

whatkatiedidnext31 · 03/11/2011 14:56

I get the feeling there is something else going on? Because I had a near marriage split last year and all the time this was going on, I think I turned into Grotbags where my kids were concerned, now however, I feel a lot nore settled, and this is reflecting on how I deal with the kiddies too.
Is there something else going on? or am I just being a nosery bugger? Wink

Thingumy · 03/11/2011 14:57

Oh fgs-OP is on here feeling despondent and you have to bring up a few abbreviated words.

This place is enough to stress you out more OP! Wink

whatkatiedidnext31 · 03/11/2011 14:57

I cant spell today! haha! apologies x

IneedAbetterNickname · 03/11/2011 14:58

I really really feel for you, and know where you are coming from as this was me. please see someone, dr, hv etc. Having been there, admitting to others is the 1st step. Massive hugs to you.

Original poster
Flojo1979 · 03/11/2011 15:01

My DS is 6 and such a sweet boy. I expect too much from him and fire off on one if he doesnt deliver exactly to my standards. Its awful.

OP posts:
DooinMeCleanin · 03/11/2011 15:02

Do you do anything together? Craft, baking etc?

A trip to the GP wouldn't hurt if you feel things are getting too much.

Original poster
Flojo1979 · 03/11/2011 15:04

Typical day: We get up and I'm in a flap trying to get everything ready for school etc, barking orders at him left right n centre, rush him out door n off to school and realise i havent even said a single nice thing to him. Think later when i pick him up I'll play a game with him (he loves playing games, or maybe just likes the occassional attention he gets). He gets home, i say lets playing such a thing, he replies nah i wonna watch telly, i leave him to watch and he asks me to play when i just start cooking tea, i reply 'tough u had your chance' then bath n bed. No time together. No nice words.

OP posts:
grovel · 03/11/2011 15:08

Cuddle up and read to him in bed.

bogwobbit · 03/11/2011 15:09

Flojo, Your son most definitely wouldn't be better off without you. Tbh, I think you sound like you might be a bit depressed. Sorry, if I'm judging wrongly but is there no-one you could talk to about this? You GP perhaps? It sounds like your unhappiness or stress or whatever is what's causing you to act like this.

birdofparadise · 03/11/2011 15:10

You DO sound like a good mum - you are conscious of days when you have not said/done everything perfectly and reflect on it. You recognise this is not your DS's fault and you attend to all his needs. But you DO sound very stressed and possibly depressed - I know because I have been there and at times like that everything can seem like a drudge and one forgets to have fun. What do you do during the day? Can you make time for any friends or an activity that you really enjoy (even if just going out for a walk, or reading a good book?) Do you have a DP? Does he know how you are feeling?

Good luck.

bogwobbit · 03/11/2011 15:10

Also, about your last post. Weekdays are stressfull and everyone is pressed for time. What about weekends. Can't you make it up to him and spend lots of time together then?

Helltotheno · 03/11/2011 15:10

It doesn't sound good no. But nobody's perfect. At least you're taking a step in the right direction by recognising it. Sounds like there's an underlying issue which maybe a counsellor could help you with?

ShroudOfHamsters · 03/11/2011 15:28

Small changes?

Making sure everything is ready for school the night before, do it just after he's gone to bed? Get up ten minutes earlier and lay breakfast, make sure you sit and eat together?

Chat during bathtime?

It's hard when life is so busy. BUT. Youare a good mother. You can see a problem here, many wouldn't. You want to do your best for him.

Grab a photo of your DS and blu-tak it up somewhere prominent in the kitchen. Somewhere you can see it when you're cooking, running around. Make it remind you of this thread, and how you want your interactions with him to change.

And for yourself too. You sound stressed. Look to care more about you too. A trip to the GP might not be a bad idea. Are you happy in general? Are there other things you're worried about? Do you get a break? If not, there's part of your answer.

Original poster
Flojo1979 · 03/11/2011 16:02

Yeah I'm a bit depressed at the moment, just got out of a bad relationship, seen gp and on anti-depressants which has helped loads with my mood, but that doesnt change the habit i've got into of speaking to my son like shit.
I've taken him on loads of holiday this year and we do stuff together, like at the wkend we made pizzas but i still find myself being negative to him all the time, no matter how many times i tell myself I'm gonna stop.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flojo1979 · 03/11/2011 16:08

I think the small changes thing is probably a good idea. I could try setting the alarm a bit earlier, and where i tend to stick a bowl of coco pops in front of him and take my brew upstairs and get myself dressed n ready, i could be dressed n ready n sit with him. I've just convinced myself that I'm always so negative towards him that the less time I'm around him the less chance there is of me...omg why was i gonna put bullying him? Its true isnt it.

OP posts:
bogwobbit · 03/11/2011 16:12

What about CBT? Could your GP refer you for that? I know people that it's really worked for.
If speaking to your son like shit is a habit, then it can be changed. When he winds you up / annoys you / you feel like verbally abusing him, try to stop and count to ten. Facile and a bit patronising, probably, but hopefully it might work and the bad habit might change.
And I'm sure that you probably think things are much worse than they actually are. It sounds to me as though you do lots of things with your son and you're probably much nicer to him than you think you are. You just tend to remember the bad things rather than the good.

bogwobbit · 03/11/2011 16:13

If it's any consolation I used to be a bit like this to my daughter when she was younger. Shouting at her and losing my temper far too often. She's grown up pretty normal and as far as I know she doesn't hate me.

northernwreck · 03/11/2011 17:58

I know where you are coming from OP-I have been really stressed lately, due to many factors, and have been really shouty, impatient and often downright unfair to my ds. Similar things really-being rushed in the morning, barking orders, expecting too much, being a bitch if I am honest.

I started taking St Johns Wort, to see if it helped a bit, and also Evening Primrose Oil (1000mg) every day because I think having horrendous PMS doesn't help.
I do think it can become a habit, and I agree with counting to ten, taking a deep breath, and remembering that your ds is only little.
Being a lone parent is just really fucking hard. Especially if you are broke/worried about money/lonely.

I recently had a friend staying, and it was so lovely to have someone to hang out with, I realised how much of a grind my life has been lately, and how much I need to socialise sometimes, and have some fun. It's really easy to let the weight of the world sit on your shoulders, and , unfortunately if it's just you and a child sometimes you can take it out on them.

Well done for acknowledging there is a problem. You are not a bad person, because you care how your behaviour affects your ds.
Cut yourself a break, try and get out more, take a deep breath and try and enjoy little moments with your son.
Last night I was knackered and wanted to hang up the washing, but I made myself play cars with ds and he was so happy, his little face was beaming, and even though I really didn't want to play, after I did I felt glad that I had .

OldGreyWassailTest · 03/11/2011 18:02

When I got into a negative phase like you I pretended my son was a little boy who had had a rough life and had been given to me to give him a better one. This worked very well for me and was much better for him.

GodKeepsGiving · 03/11/2011 19:44

OldGreyWassailTest that is a brilliant idea. It is easy to get into negative cycles, especially when you've had a bad time.
OP, your guilt is destructive but paradoxically proves how much you do love your son. You need to have some fun with him and some time for yourself. I do hope you feel better soon Smile