to think my kids r better off without me?

[Flojo1979]

I dunno whats wrong with me, ppl used to tell me i'm a good mum and i used to beam with pride and totally agree, these days when they say it i think "u've really no idea have u". I feel guilty all the time. My poor poor DS is being emotionally abused, one minute I'm screaming and shouting at him, the next i'm telling him i love him and cuddling him as tho that makes up for it and to hide my guilt. I try to talk to ppl about it and they dont take it seriously, they just say dont be daft u r a good mum. How did i some how lose the ability to communicate with my children, and go from this happy positive praise parenting to this habitual nagging thing i do now? and more importantly how do i get 'the good mum' back?

Thank-you for all your supportive messages. I had visions of everyone telling me to ring social services and get them taken away.
This evening was much better, your messages kick started me in to making time for ds and pushing thro with positive praise all the time. I spend time playing with him and cooked him beans on toast for tea, he loved it and thought it was a treat. I guess I don't need to be slaving over peeling veg etc every night when I can be spending time with the kids.
Dd is something else entirely, she just flings herself on the floor kicking and screaming, which is usually when I'm screaming over the top of her to ds to fetch whatever it is at the time to calm her down or get the job done.

Glad you are feeling more positive today.
Look, you are just being honest really. Most of us have our moments, and it does no-one any good to pretend to be perfect because no-one is.
How old is DD?

DD is 2 (3 at end of month). She can be such a joy then with the flick of a switch, without any warning she just throws herself on floor and starts sobbing for seemingly no reason except shes suddenly gone tired, especially on a nursery day, i bearly get thro the front door before she flings herself on the hall floor and we have to step over her and i'm fighting to get her shoes n coat off while yelling thro to DS to come take them off me!

Op - you sound normal to me. A normal Mum who sometimes feels shit for not being perfect. YOu are on here on quite a blazy forum admitting it. So you are brave and honest too.

1. Stop beating yourself up.
2. Tomorrow is a new day spend resolve to do something one:one with your kids. The beauty of kids is they dont care as long as they get your attention.
3. Be kind to yourself stop shouting. Give them three warnings then time out. I rarely get beyond 2 now as they know I mean business. This will take a bit of time though if you have got yourself into a negative shouting role.
4. Keep telling them about all the good they are doing.
5. Print off This Mother is a Saint certificate.

Poor OP. You know you need to change this, it is terribly hard and it can become a habit. I'd suggest a) getting everything ready for school the night before so that you're not stressed in the morning and b) leaving the room before you blurt something out that you don't mean. Those few seconds away from your chilren to think about what you're about to say could make all the difference.

Children pick up on stress and you're stressed to your eyeballs, OP. It's not fair on them and you're getting a bad result which is not fair on you. You are a good mum but you've got to bring this misery to an end, you're the adult and your children need to lean on you, not you them.

Can you get yourself a punchbag installed in your bedroom and go a few rounds on it during stressful times?

Wish you well, get whatever outside help and support you think you need, wherever you can find it.

why did that grinning face appear?

Thanx these msgs really help me to focus on whats important and stop being a control freak about all the little things.

Hi have 2 boys my xwife has poisioned them about me i loved to come home from work to be with them take them to swimming lessons take them to scouts etc i was also one of the leaders i have not seen them for 2 years i am told by my x i am a bad farther/looser all the time in the end it broke me i went on hunger strike a while back for 5 weeks because i was desprate to see my children i suffer with depression take your GP advice also your local Mind can help or get Dr to Re to The Richmond Fellowship i liked to chill out watching tv with the boys also we are the parent suprise them go to the park there are a lot of free places to go i have been through hell when your child has done something good prase them the worst thing for me is i am told my boys dont want to see me which i dont belive and they live in the next village thats really stress full for me.

well, you sound completely normal to me.

I was just like you, always stressed and shouting too much, and feeling totally and completely guilty about shouting so much.

Then two things happened.

My eldest ds told me I shouted too much, and that life would be great if I didn't shout so much ( he was about 9, dd was about 6. ds2 was baby).

So I listened and since then have tried not to shout. (v v hard!!)

I endlessly beat myself up about what a rubbish mother I am, but my kids laugh (21, 18.12)>

The thing is, they always love and forgive me, and it's important you know this too.

And tis v v v v v important that you find great, happy, fulfilling things in your own life that give you the perspective to know how great you are, and how great it is to have your kids, and to be happy together

believe me, i speak from experience! x

here's what I did to try and minimise stress levels in our house:
get all school stuff ready the night before (try it, it really does help)
when my boys (6 and 9) come home from school, 10 mins on the sofa together as a kind of buffer between home and school, to sort of reconnect
a story together every night - the day ends on a positive, relaxed, affectionate note
I still have my screaming banshee moments and I too tend to take out stress on DS1 because he's the older one - I think I expect more from him, even though I hate myself for it

Gooseman that's so sad, why 2 yrs tho? Why hasn't the courts reestablished contact sooner?
Spook that buffer thing is a good idea, I'm usually stressing at him to take his shoes off n go change out of uniform etc.

I can see myself going the way you are, Flojo - when DS was a baby he was such a joy and I couldn't see myself ever shouting at him - but he's nearly 4 now and has developed strikingly obvious traits, stubbornness, not paying attention and dithering about - all from his Dad (and a bit from me too, the stubbornness). It frustrates me rigid with his Dad, and I'm finding I'm responding the same way to DS now too - so getting more irritated with him than I should be for a little boy. It's because he's hitting the same triggers as his Dad does - and I'm not sure how to deal with it either.

I quite like the idea of imagining that he is a poor little boy who had a really tough life before he came to me and I have to make up for it by being much kinder - might try that one. :)

Me too, thumbwitch. I can see myself going that way. I've had awful PND and I really struggle to not shout at my husband and son. I feel like everything they say to me and ask me for is like they're poking me with sticks. I end up yelling a lot. Then I try to make up for it by doing something nice for them like some lovely food and that just stresses me out even more. And then - heaven forbid - the food got burnt or something, then I'd wind up sobbing in the bathroom thinking I must be the worst mum ever.