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Original poster

TO stop trying to make friends

48 replies

jackiejones · 03/11/2011 09:28

Because in the end most people just let you down? Sad

I moved to a new area six months ago. I have met lots of people and some may become frienships. However I'm not sure I actually want that. Prehaps I'm better off just being with my DH and Dcs.

A couple of months ago I went 'home' to visit my friends, out of my group of 6 friends, only 2 turned up to see me. Sad 1 lied (good old facebook) about why they didn't come, one contacted me to make arrangements which i replied to, then nothing, others just didn't bother. Sad

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fartmeistergeneral · 03/11/2011 09:33

How long had you known them? Is there a chance that a couple didn't get the message? Maybe they had genuine reasons not to turn up. Don't dismiss all future friendships because of one incident.

Original poster
jackiejones · 03/11/2011 09:35

A few years. No all knew apart from 1 who may not have got message but is known for not replying to invites.

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MissPenteuth · 03/11/2011 09:37

Agree with fartmeister; a true friendship is invaluable. Don't give up :)

fartmeistergeneral · 03/11/2011 09:37

It is disappointing, I agree, but should spur you on to make new friends!! Good luck, it sounds like you are well on your way.

I wouldn't cut off all ties with the old bunch, keep in touch and see what happens...

Original poster
jackiejones · 03/11/2011 09:38

I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I put so much into these friendships and it appears I've become very unimportant very quickly.

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Original poster
jackiejones · 03/11/2011 09:40

I'm going to keep in touch with a couple of friends but not the one who was found out lied and the non responder (who I was close to).

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emmam25 · 03/11/2011 09:41

I'm afraid, in my experience, when you move your friendships are tested and the majority will fail.

If you've moved it is always your responsibility to make the effort to go back and see people, organise meet ups etc. You quite often get let down at the last minute and only really, really great friends will bother to visit you (and then it's usually because it's convenient for them eg they are on their way to somewhere else).

Hmm bitter... moi?

Don't avoid making new friends though; just see it for what it is convenience friendship.

fartmeistergeneral · 03/11/2011 09:41

Do you know why they didn't respond though? There could be a good genuine reason. If you were once close it's hard to imagine they just couldn't be bothered. Keep in touch casually through emails or Facebook and see what happens.

valiumredhead · 03/11/2011 09:43

Ime it's hard to keep up with friends once you move away as everyone's lives are so busy these days. It feels worse too when you haven't formed new friendships yet.

Out of a whole bunch of people I considered extremely good friends only 2 keep in regular contact 5 years after I moved away. That's ok, people move on and friendships do come and go.

emmam25 · 03/11/2011 09:44

Jackie - I feel your pain and went through something similar but in time I have made new friendships with people who are lovely and amazing and brilliantly supportive but I know should we move again the same thing will probably happen happen. :(

Original poster
jackiejones · 03/11/2011 09:45

I'm not sure fartmeister. Non responder is rubbish at getting back to texts etc anyway but am deeply saddened that I travelled hundreds of miles and it appears ahe couldn't be arsed. However if she contacts me and it turns out there is a genuine reason then thats different. Smile

I agree emma its so sad. I knew that unltimatley I would probably looses these frinedships, but I travelled all that way and I made the effort Oh well.

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Original poster
jackiejones · 03/11/2011 09:47

Oh emma its horrible isn't it. Sad I'm glad you have made new friends though.

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QuintessentialShadow · 03/11/2011 09:50

You travel hundreds of miles and you TEXT your friends to make arrangements?

Have you kept in touch with them? Spoken to them on the phone? Did they know in advance you were coming?

People dont just drop everything they have going on, for ONE person who has moved away and then text to say she is back. You cant expect to be queen just because you have returned. If you have moved away you need to work extra hard yourself to ensure friendships are kept while you are away. Phonecalls, texts, little cards, etc.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 03/11/2011 09:53

oh jackie!! i'm feeling you right now. i made the decision a couple of weeks ago to stop being the runner. i think i was coming across as needy or something but i have noticed that friendships were only being maintained by my efforts. things like one friend was always ringing to say "can i come round" and then it would turn out she was looking a lift somewhere, or hiding from her mum (she's still at home), or some other reason that she just needed somewhere to sit for a couple of hours. she rang me a couple weeks ago for a lift and i couldn't do it as ds was going to speech therapist. so she hasn't text since (when before it was at least every other day) i'm not going to bother as clearly i was being used and am no longer any use. same with another friend, it was always me asking if she wanted to meet and her always making excuses not to so i have stopped asking and actually she has texted me this week to see if i want to come over for a catch up. i'm just going to stick with what i'm doing now. that way, i know if someone actually wants to see me or if theyre just doing it to keep me quiet. it's tough because you realise who you're friends are andx there arent as many as you thought but at least you know the truth.

Original poster
jackiejones · 03/11/2011 09:54

They had a months notice that I was up and that was there and available over two days. Yes we have kept in touch via facebook and texts - don't do phonecalls.

Actually a very good friend organised an afternoon at hers and asked everyone to come.

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Original poster
jackiejones · 03/11/2011 09:55

booy Its not a nice realisation is it? I think you are doing the right thing. Smile

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valiumredhead · 03/11/2011 09:58

I think you might have to 'do phonecalls' if you want to arrange something concrete. FB isn't enough imo.

JessieLeGrund · 03/11/2011 09:59

Why don't you "do" phone calls. Surely a chat and a laugh over the phone will maintain friendships better than texts or the wretched Facebook.

Original poster
jackiejones · 03/11/2011 10:00

I have an irrational -hatred- dislike of speaking on the phone. Blush

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MistyMountainHop · 03/11/2011 10:01

aww thats sad jackie

maybe concentrate on your new friends from your new area, they may become better friends in time?

FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 03/11/2011 10:01

Tbh, you sound like hard work. Friendships do fall away when you move, that's life. And why are you so furious that one lied? Have you never lied to get put of a social arrangement? Doesn't mean you hate the person who invited you, just that you are tired/busy/arguing with husband and don't want to hurt their feelings.

Don't let it stop you making new friends. But I would try to take them as they come and not expect them to behave on certain ways.

Original poster
jackiejones · 03/11/2011 10:02

Ok then fruitsalad Grin

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Original poster
jackiejones · 03/11/2011 10:02

BTW I'm not furious that she lied just really let down.

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BagofHolly · 03/11/2011 10:03

Heresthethingbooyou, a friend in need is a friend indeed! I wouldn't think twice about a hidden agenda of 'using' you in the examples you mention! They just want to spend time with you, maybe?! If you think badly of other people's motives you're holding them to a standard they don't even know about!

Original poster
jackiejones · 03/11/2011 10:03

Thanks misty Yep agree with all have said don't give up on new friendships. Smile

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