TO stop trying to make friends

[jackiejones]

Because in the end most people just let you down?

I moved to a new area six months ago. I have met lots of people and some may become frienships. However I'm not sure I actually want that. Prehaps I'm better off just being with my DH and Dcs.

A couple of months ago I went 'home' to visit my friends, out of my group of 6 friends, only 2 turned up to see me. 1 lied (good old facebook) about why they didn't come, one contacted me to make arrangements which i replied to, then nothing, others just didn't bother.

She gave you notice though OP? She didn't not just turn up?

NO she didn't turn up when she said she would.

Ah ok, I'd be a bit pissy about that too but at least you had a good evening with the others?

Yes I did, was good to see the others. I need to go now, thanks.

no bag. it became obvious over time what was happening. she used to talk about this guy that she couldn't stand, he liked her and she knew it. he kept texting asking her to go out for meals and to the cinema and she went (she has a longterm boyfriend) to 'keep him sweet' (her words) so that she had a lift whenever she needed one. the guy creeped her out but she humoured him because he was useful. then i noticed she wasn't in contact with him much anymore, why? she had another mug to take his place. there were lots of little things over time that made me realise we weren't real friends, i was just useful to her.

I think you have a slightly strange attitude towards friendships, perhaps you were part of a large group (more than 6) and it's inevitable that not all of those friends would be equally close or equally available if you turn up for two days. It may be that the friend who lied about what she was up to is having marital problems, or a stressful time at work. It doesn't sound like you would know that as you only communicate on Facebook in which people don't tend to write their real worries and problems.

These friendships do sound rather superficial. To be honest, not liking speaking on the phone is going to strain friendships, I have a lovely friend who I have known for years, and she never ever uses the phone, for about ten years this was fine, but now I am very busy (and have lots of other friends too who don't get phoned enough) and our friendship has dropped away because of her dislike of phoning. I simply dont' know what is going on in her life, and although I would love to see her, I have very limited time and so tend to invest in friendships where I speak to my friends more and have kept up with their lives.

I would make friends where you are, but be aware that only one or two may go on to be really true friends who will turn out in any circumstances to see you. Others may be more convenient friendships based on shared lives at the time. There's nothing wrong with that.

Not a problem that they didn't all come. But out of the 4, I would of expected to see 4 of them at some point over the weekend.

Re: facebook, speak privatley on chat. I do take on board what you say about phoning. Although I can't see why you think I have a strange attutuide to friendship.

Honestly OP, out of 4 friends I would LIKE to see all of them but it would be far more realistic to end up seeing 2 even with a month's notice.

Sorry out of 6 see 4.

I hate speaking on the phone too Jackie. I can cope with it at work but have little routines to help me get through it. I just seem to lose my mojo on the phone - can't think of what to say etc and it is very strained. My friends actually all understand this about me because it extends to struggling even with booking restaurants, ordering takeaways etc (thank goodness for fllmybelly and the internet age). If they are good friends it should not matter but do yours know that you struggle with the phone or have you tried to keep it a sectret?

well it's much easier to drop out/not bother if communication is not verbal or face to face - they know you're not going to drop in or ring them up to bollock them!

I don't think you have a weird attitude Jackie!

I have friends who I would never call; it's just not the way our friendship works but we stay in touch closely via email/fb messages/ text messages in a way that is more akin to a traditional pen pal.

I guess it also hurts when you make the effort for them.

If my old friend who moved away when we were at school ever text me to say she was home I would always move things around to make time to see her; I valued the fact that she has made the effort to drive halfway down the country!

That said I have really good friends who have let me down in one instance but been super in another. So you do just have to take people as you find them if you want to have plenty of friends!

The phone thing isn't weird. Personally I find it hard to make phone calls since having children due to time/commitments etc but always much prefer talking face to face where you can see facial expressions.

I think if you only gave a month's notice and organised by text and you admit one of them probably didn't even see the message then you did really well getting 2 people to organise a nice afternoon at someone's house to see you!!!

My weekends are fully booked now til after Christmas, and I am not even particularly popular! Stuff comes up all the time. A month isn't that long in terms of notice - I organised (well I didn't, someone else did) our school reunion Christmas night out in August to get a date when everyone could make it. And I'm still double-booked that night as I forgot a friend's 30th birthday party.

Honestly, most friends are for fun and laughs, not deep stuff. If you have one friend who you can really rely on to help you out when the shit hits the fan then you are very lucky. I wouldn't take it personally that only 2 people came. As others have said, the one who lied could have done so for any number of reasons. I organised a big night out a while ago and a friend and her husband cancelled with no explanation at the last minute - turned out they were rowing all weekend and are now divorcing . It's not necessarily any indicator that they dislike you or don't care about you. Sometimes things come up. This friend has lied to save your feelings.

Oh chin up, yes lots of people are a bit rubbish and unreliable but you don't have to delete them from your life. Maybe try and meet some people more locally so that it's less hard work to maintain the friendship? Then you can have more 'fun friends' and cherish the one or two close friends you have, rather than expecting everyone to offer you 'true' friendship.

I'm not saying its weird not to talk on the phone, but you can't then expect to have a close personal relationship with each of 6 people to the extent that you really know what's going on in their lives. Friendships rely on personal interaction, seeing people or talking with them. Facebook friends isn't quite the same thing, as someone said, it's more like penpals but you can't then be upset that you don't have a close relationship with them or they don't prioritize your visit.

If you have unrealistic expectations of friends who are busy with busy lives, you will always be disappointed. Two people did come to see you and still want to be friends. Expecting large gangs of people to drop everything to see you is unrealistic unless you spend a lot of time nurturing those friendships inbetween.

PS I never talk to friends on the phone unless desperately urgent that I talk to them immediately for some reason. I don't think it's wierd. It's modern life.

Emsyj, that might be the case, but then people do get busy, have kids, live other lives, move away, there's so many posts on here about people who don't have friends. A few texts now and again might work for a long-distance friend for the first year or two, but ten years down the line, no, I don't believe if you don't make time to talk with people on a one-to-one you end up with deep friendships, the kind you can call when the shit hits the fan or the kind where they just have to see you. Unless you live close to someone and can see them physically, or have a friendship going back twenty years which is unshakeable, most friendships need regular contact, or they fizzle out (which is what the OP has found out basically).

You sound quite pessimistic with a miserable "oh poor me" attitude. I find people with that kind of attitude hard work to be around and wouldn't try too hard to keep the friendship going.

Never having friends again for the rest of your life is not really a happy/positive option is it? Or are you just wallowing in misery because you like it there?

Maybe you need to look at who you are making friends with and why. Focus on being a good friend to good people, be more positive and see what grows out of a change of attitude.

Emsyj- although I agree with you that not all friends need to be of the deep and meaningful variety, and hanging out with people in the same situation can also be fun as long as you don't expect too much from them years later/when you move.

I guess I agree that if you have a very close 'would call you in the middle of the night in an emergency if I needed help' friend, it would be very hard to maintain that friendship via text/Facebook. I have never done that, as my closest friends live nearby. When we moved away for a few years, we visited regularly as all our friends and family are here - and they both visited me too.

I didn't phone them but we exchanged frequent long e-mails! And I saw them at least every other month anyway.

I suppose I am saying that if you move away, you have to re-categorise that set of friends as 'fun friends' unless you make an effort to maintain the close friendship.

I'm in a similar boat as I moved away from my friends a year ago. I had loads of friends that I saw regularly; out of these, three or four (those I had most in common with) have come to visit/been in regular text or FB contact. The others, if they're around when I go back it's lovely to see them but I don't expect a huge effort from them. Life's just too busy. Think of it like changing jobs, you might get on with all 50 people in your office but when you go to a new job you'll only keep in touch with a couple that you got on with best.

Focus on making new friends - I have put a lot of effort into meeting people in my new area and met some lovely people as a result.

Yes I am wallowing in self pity and freely admit it. As I already said I am going to try and make friends here.

I am going to keep in touch with a couple of people. Life moves on I guess.

I do find it a bit odd that friends you've been there for, that have been there for you, that you see most weeks, go on nights ou with etc can 't fit you in for a few hours with a months notice. especially after you've travelled hundeds of miles (with littlies), paid for petrol, a hotel, food etc. Ok there might be a wedding or something that is important that might stop them.

Prehaps I am hard work, but if the tables are turned I would defintley move things around to catch up with an old friend. Anyway now I know who I'm going to keep up with and who I'm not.

The whole phone thing, A) I have amental block B) When do you speak tp folk on the phone? In the day I'd be interupted by my little ones constantly and in the evening I so exhauseted and just want to veg out with DH.

Emails are good, you can chat in them, send loads back and forth.

Phoning, if you don't like it you don't like it, but you can make time for it if you want to. I have a friend who has three children who phones me when she just has the one (say children gone out with dad). Sunday afternoons when the children are watching a film. Or one evening, if it's once a month or even a couple of times a year, it's still touching base.

I think it's a mistake to ditch time with friends completely when you have children (and since coming on MN and reading so many posters saying they have no friends/have lost touch with friends/friends have let them down, I believe that more and more).

However, I probably wouldn't try and keep up with 6 friends all at once, unless they were very old friends and part of a group. Even then, I have friends that I am closer to than others in a group. I would only call perhaps two or three of them, and keep in email/text touch with the others and see if they were free next time I was around (and not be insulted if they didn't make it one time).